Finding My Way Back From OZ

Finding My Way Back From OZ

A mixture of lavender and over cooked corn tortilla shells was the scent I remember from that day. I can’t remember my thoughts before, the color of my shirt, the location of where I even found the pills, but I can remember the smell that filled the air. It’s ironic isn’t it. Lavender. The calming, stress reducing, essential oil. That’s what I smelt, yet there was no ounce of calm in my body the moment my mouth touched that orange pill bottle.

Reading my text messages from earlier that day nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Complaining to my boyfriend about what a stressful day I was having at work wasn’t off kilter seeing how everyday this year had been intensely overwhelming. I ate lunch with my usual lunch group, talked our usual talks, did my normal work routine. Yet my world went black at some point.

There are a number of things I told the doctors, but nothing after the fact that I can say was the true blue reason of why. I remember taking my father to the behavioral health center after a drug induced psychosis. One of the questions was, “why are you here?” My dad explained he felt like he was trapped in OZ like Dorothy and he needed help finding his way back. There are things that happen in your life that might not hit you right there in that moment. It might be days, weeks, even years later before you finally feel what you should have felt then. But sooner or later the pain you’ve pushed down catches up to you. I finally understood what my father meant by that. I’d clicked my heels a million times, but still couldn’t escape the confines of my own personal OZ.

“What triggered your breakdown?” I was asked. It could have been a number of things, but I do recall before leaving work a coworker stopped and told me that we would be losing our health insurance. Because our job has decided that we are not and I quote “their problem”. How lovely and compassionate. Before kaiser I had medi-cal. My kaiser OB reviewed my charts from my first pregnancy and came to the conclusion that it was indeed a viable pregnancy. Yet my medi-cal doctors didn’t have the time or education to figure out what was going on with my body causing me the pain. They just decided that the pregnancy needed to be terminated. So hearing that I might have to go back to these doctors broke me. I still hadn’t really dealt with the trauma of losing my angels. I just stuffed it deep down hoping it would disappear just ask quickly as they did. Driving home my mind started spinning, calling people to get comfort and understanding, but no one really knows how to comfort you when you cant explain to them what is making you feel the way you do. I have a tendency to have every bad thing that’s ever happened to me crash down upon me when I’m stressed out. It’s like I’m going through it all a new. No words were going to make me feel better. In that moment I had never felt more isolated and alone. I was sad, extremely tired of being this sad, and I just wanted it to stop.

Depression is an evil thing to live with. Most people don’t understand it or even try to grasp how you are feeling. In a room full of people you still can feel so alone. You can’t call into work on your weakest days with the reason being you are depressed without some snarky retort. It’s not an acceptable reason in their eyes. You can’t cancel plans with friends or family because you can’t stop crying without a cure all remark of “can’t you just be happy”. As if it were that easy.

Depression had consumed my souls once again and this time I was ready to let it have me.

I don’t remember much after that. I remember going upstairs to work on some shirts for a friend and that is about it. Bits and pieces of a heated conversation between my boyfriend and I. Then the blackness.

I don’t remember what happened after my world went dark, but I do remember coming too and calling my best friend to take me to the hospital. In that moment I knew I made a mistake. My heart began to race. Not from the pills, but from the thought of making a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My boyfriend tried to talk to me but I can’t recall a word he said. My mind was else where I thought of how if I were to die by my own hand that I wouldn’t go to heaven and see my babies I so desperately longed for every second of every day. I thought of my little rebellious ones and who was going to look after and fight for them if I wasn’t around. I thought of my best friends and how they would wonder why I didn’t talk to them more about the sadness in my soul. But most of all I thought of my Papa and how his heart couldn’t take another loss.

Regret set in around the same time as the nausea and foggy bits. They escorted me to a room with a guard where I waited to purge the poison I had ingested. With every heave I cried. Once again alone with my thoughts. For hours I tried to sleep but my nightmares consumed me.

I was given the option of inpatient or an outpatient program. I could do out patient if my friends agreed to sign saying they would ensure I wouldn’t hurt myself again. With the burden of my life being on my friends I knew I had to focus on getting my heart healthy. Over a month in a program called IOP and I was feeling better and ready to go back to work and be around the world again with all their harsh judgment and criticism. I had two more classes when I received a text saying I would be changing classrooms when I returned to work. Inside I was shattered. This would be the second time my job had decided to retaliate against me during a hard time in my life. But I just replied with excitement. Change is something people going through things can’t really handle. Those two more classes turned into another month in therapy.

Tip toeing through conversations. Every choice word well planned and thought out. I felt equipped to handle the world around me with my tool belt full of new knowledge and understanding of my emotional experiences with the stress of my job, the loss of my babies, and the broken ness of my family. “It is what it is” was my mind set returning to the real world. You can’t change people or situations…..but you can accept them and change the way you allow it to effect you. Catty remarks of “how nice of you to come back” were a great welcoming from a few. If they only could experience half the things I’ve had to maybe they would have a heart and not be so callous. But an overwhelming amount of love and support was also showered upon me from several people as well. For those people I am grateful. You never know what someone is going through so why not just be kind?

Life after a breakdown doesn’t feel like life at all. I feel as if I’m floating, just making it through everyday like a dream. I didn’t know how to quit interact with others. “What were they thinking of me?” “Do they think I’m weak?” So many thoughts creeping through my mind.

During these challenging times I’ve learned that I need to ask for help when I need it. My job is just that, a job. It’s not my whole life. If I need to take a day, a week, a month off to gain mental clarity then I need to do just that. Some people are cruel and I just avoid those people. Not everyone is going to understand what you are going through, but some are willing to try. I still look through my therapy notebook on trying days. I’m not fine, but I’m getting better. Stress management is definitely something I am working on. After the loss of my babies I was told often how strong I was. I didn’t feel very strong. I felt weak and bruised. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I urge you to hug your “strong friends”, Show people who seem distant a little more compassion then usual. You never really know what anyone is going through in life. The people with the biggest smiles and deepest laughs can be the ones hiding the most pain in their hearts.

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Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

Kindness is so gangster…..

Kindness is so gangster…..

The world can be a scary place to live. Especially when you’re in jr high school. In school I got bullied a lot. I was the quirky kid. I had “friends”, but they always picked on me for being weird. Weird to them wasn’t that I played with Yugioh cards or acted out Pokémon in the field like the rest of the kids they labeled “weird”. My weirdness was the fact that I was nice. They would tease me trying to get me to react in a volatile way. Always uping it a notch further. The last straw was when my mom bought me this cheerleading outfit from Limited Too. I was so excited to wear it the following Monday because it was sports theme for spirit week. My mom was hesitant about letting me wear it to school because she didn’t want me to ruin it. After hours of heavy persuading I finally convinced her I would take good care of it. That Monday I strutted into school feeling so cool. I couldn’t wait for my friends to see me. I told one of my friends about my moms fear of it getting messed up and she laughed. During lunch we are on the bleachers, there was a lot of whispering and more side conversations then usual. I started to notice that I wasn’t apart of them. I packed up my stuff and began to walk off the bleachers when one of the girls behind me called my name. As I turned around another girl behind me poured a cup of juice over my head. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry. I kept asking “why did you do that?” “Did you do it on purpose?” as I sobbed. No one answered, they just laughed. One of the girls began to call me names, “you’re so stupid”, she said. I felt the anger start to build. Without thinking I punched her in the face. She fell off the bleachers. I had never felt so horrible in my whole life. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to kill my kindness and I let them win. 
That weekend was my grandparents weekend to have me so I went over to visit. My Nana had heard how I was suspended and wanted to talk about what happened. I told her how the girls called me names and said I was too nice. That I was weird because I didn’t stick up for myself. I explained how I felt after they poured the juice on me and how cruel they were for laughing and calling me names after. I told her they had it coming. My Nana had never looked so disappointed. She said,” there will be times in your life when you get knocked down and you want to knock someone down with you, but don’t. You are a Cupples, your stronger then that” I knew that what I had done was wrong, but it felt good to make her pay for calling me names. “Don’t let the world change who you are. Only me, your papa, and you know who you really are and I love the Rissy you are. Don’t let it weaken you. Don’t let this world change that.” Since that talk with my Nana I have always tried to stay true to me. Never let the world or things that happen change who I am.
Struggling with trying to conceive a child and have it implant in the right location as changed me. It’s weakened me. I have been at rock bottom for a long time because of this. I find myself in this constant struggle of “fake it till you make it”. This whole ordeal has made me into a different person. At first I was trying to be so nice to people because I started to realize you never know what others might be going through so treat them with kindness. When I realized that was turning me into a doormat I began treating people the same way they treated me. Like total and utter shit. Ignoring them how they did me, giving them shit the same way they would, being very petty, lowering myself to their level. One day I took a hard look in the mirror and started to cry. I let the world change me. Every experience I tried to block and and keep strong I let in and make me into a person I am not. 
If I’ve said it once in these blogs I’ve said it a million times, “rock bottom became the very foundation I rebuilt myself on”. I’m not perfect, I’m learning everyday just like the rest of you. This spiritual journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a journey. But I try not to give up. I roll with the bunches…… sometimes I’m just rolling for longer then I expected. Things that shifted me before aren’t shifting me in this present time so I will have to keep tinkering with things till I find what works for me to have my spiritual enlightenment again. It’s a process and a journey, but I’m grateful for the people along for the ride. I kinda forgot how gangster it is to be kind to everyone know matter what.
Sincerely 

Me

Keep keeping on

Some days I feel like I’m okay. That this experience has toughened my soul and nothing can break me like losing them did. Other days I’m not sure how much more I can take. Between the unkind world around me and the ache in my heart I feel defeated and weakened inside. I feel empowered to take the life that lays before me and turn this mess of raw emotion and my broken heart into something beautifully reborn and brand new. I begin my spiritual journey full of pep and positivity to be broken down once again by my imaginary memories in my mind. I envision them as small children maybe 3-5 so happy and full of life. My happiness and eagerness to push forward quickly dissipates. I’m sucked back into the darkness. Waiting in that dark, cold, lonely room for the shot that ends their short lives. 
How do you escape the demons in your mind? I truly want to be happy again. Over the last 10 years since my Nana died I feel as if I’ve worked so hard to rebuild myself. I’ve fought to become the person I used to be. I feel as if with every triumph I’m presented with another obstacle. I fall into a self hatred phase and begin to blame myself for all the bad in my life. The unavoidable, nothing I can do about it things that just happen, some how in my mind become something I could have avoided or stopped. It’s a vicious cycle that is hard to escape. 
I recently began yoga and meditation which in the beginning of battling my depression helped a lot. I know it’s just the start but I’m not noticing results as fast as I want which is making it harder to stay focused and continue with it. I find myself dreading going into work again. You can’t control your environment in society. You can’t make people be kind of positive. I find myself getting sucked into the bleakness around me. My happiest time being the walk of solitude to the place where I eat lunch and the after school bell. I consider taking a leave to just focus on me and rebuilding my happiness and positive energy. 
My emotions are like a ping pong ball bouncing from wall to wall. Up and down, high to extreme low. On the verge of tears with any talk of pregnancy or babies. Fitting back my true emotions with my well rehearsed fake smile. I want so badly to feel as happy as I was the day I saw that one word “pregnant”! 
I have so much to be looking forward to. My best friend is getting married, I was asked to be her bridesmaid, I got into a program for school that I’ve been wanting to get into for over a year, I raised enough money to cover my first test to see where The blockage that is causing the ectopic pregnancies is located; however, I’m so unhappy. I’m fearful of getting the test done and wasting my donations on being told that I am blocked and there is nothing they can do to remove it. Once again my mind goes to the worst possible answer. Sometimes I feel as if I brought this upon myself, always fearing if I was infertile and if I could ever get pregnant. Now my worst fear is in a way coming true. Yes I can create life, but I can’t keep it and protect it. 
I’m looking forward to summer vacation. My first spiritual journey began to flourish during my summer vacation I believe last year. I have long days to myself to really focus on the me and the person I want to become. I can reconnect with my emotions and how to handle the good and extinguish the bad. I’m able to be one with Mother Earth and embrace all the beauty she has to offer. I’m hoping that’s all I need this time again. Just a little R&R to get back on the right path.
Sincerely Me

Surviving Through The Madness

Surviving Through The Madness

Rocking back and forth on an uncertain cliff. “Should I give up or continue the good fight?” I preach words of fighting through the darkness and just faking it until you make it, but in the end do I really believe it myself? How easy would it be to just throw my hands in the air and bow out with my dignity still intact? These are things I ask myself everyday.

Recently I was approached by a long lost friend to hear out a gifted individual who helped impact her life in a very positive way. I was a little skeptical but still wanted to give it a chance. I’m feeling broken and lost. Unable to muster up the energy to believe my own lies of happiness. I need a map through this dark hole I’ve found myself in and if this girl can help me I’m willing to give it a shot.

With a little bit of skepticism and a small amount of hope I began to ask my questions, afraid of the answers I’d get in return. The first response threw me for a loop. I was shaken to my core. I knew that things would need to change. I can’t continue on this path. But how? How do I find the light when there is so much darkness around me? I used to be able to pretend enough to actually believe it myself. It got so good at faking it that I was no longer acting, that I was actually happy. This time is different, this feels much worse.

There has been only one time in my life when I felt this low, the day that my Nana passed away. The feeling of hopelessness set it immediately. No words could fix the pain that was radiating through my soul. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with her. When people speak of a “broken heart” it’s a true statement. My heart literally felt broken. I just knew that if the doctors would give me an x-ray that it would prove I had a hole in my heart where my Nana had once been. Well it is the same now. I feel physically weak. I barely sleep, force myself to eat, forgetting things that I should easily remember. I feel lost. Like I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up.

As I pry myself out of bed in the mornings I whisper to myself, “you can do this” “you are strong” “you have to make it through just one more day” soon enough that one more day turns into another….and another…..and another. I allow myself ten minutes to cry and let it all out so I can continue on with my day. Thoughts of those sweet angels frequent my brain and I’m filled with intense sadness. I excuse myself to the restroom and allow myself to weep. The work day ends and I return home. I’m angry by this point. Mad at the parents who have children that they neglect. Mad at people who don’t understand my sadness. Mad at people who have the audacity to try to hurt others. I’m just angry. I don’t want to talk, to engage. I feel like I’ve paid my dues for the day.

At the beginning of my journey I set out to find the old me. To “manifest a little mess” which if you haven’t been following my blog, is my nickname since I was a child. I wanted to find the old me that had been absent for quite some time. I found her. Life was good. Really good! But somewhere along the way she vanished again. I was rereading past blogs trying to see what I did different the last time around. Trying to find some sanity through all my madness.

I’m going to rediscover my love for meditation. I remember just drifting off into my own world and returning zen and at peace. Lately the thought of it makes me irate; however, I know I need it. I need to tap back into my spiritual being. I’ve become so cynical and negative in all this. As much as I can’t even fathom the idea now I know I need to get back to the gym. Working out always makes me happy in the long run. It’s me time, but me time that I can’t just sit and cry during. My plan of action is to attempt making time for yoga in the morning before I go to work again. In some type of grand illusion to get me centered and rejuvenated for the chaos at work.

I know life is tough right now. Things are not easy. As much as I want to quit my job, give up on school, distance myself from my friends, become a recluse…… I know that isn’t going to help me through this. I need my work to distract me and keep some sort of normalcy going on. I need my friends to lift me up when my legs give out beneath me. For now I’ll continue to “fake it till I make it” in high hopes of actually making it through all this. Just bare with me. Love me a little louder, hug me a lot tighter, and be patient with me. I’m trying as hard as I can muster.

Fake It Till You Make It…..again 

“You’re fine” “Everything is okay” “Just breathe” I tell myself as I see the beetle emerge from my freshly cleaned clothes. Any other day I would have completely lost my shit, maybe even thrown all the clothes away, and spiral into an anxiety induced itching frenzy; However, today I’m deciding to breathe. I reach for a shirt hung up in my closet and take the basket to the laundry to re wash it. One win for Marissa, anxiety zero. I go about my day as nothing ever happened. The next morning me and my fiancé have a nice day planned of beach festivities. It’s the Saturday before I go back to work so we want to get out and spend time together at our favorite place. I go into my clothes hamper once again to find my baiting suit. I pull it out with force because it’s stuck under a heap of graphic tees and cut off capris. I feel something crawling on my arm as I dislodged the suit. I look down and it’s a spider. Anxiety and panic start to send me into overdrive but I breathe. “You’re fine, everything is okay.” I tell myself. I walk the spider outside and remain calm. “Don’t ruin this day.” 
The day was amazing. The sun was shining, the sand was warm, and bub was content with the crowd. The day couldn’t have been better. After the beach we headed to our usual vegan restaurant where I over stuffed myself on foods I couldn’t just go to a Denys and eat back home. I felt like I could burst. People have been monitoring my eating and mentioning things like portion control which has got me in a tail spin of calorie counting and over analyzing my eating habits. Which I know shouldn’t affect me because since going vegan I’ve done nothing but lose weight no matter how much I eat. You shouldn’t ever comment on how a person recovering from an eating disorder eats. It can send them right back to where they started. Which is what all this food was starting to do to me. “Marissa, you haven’t eaten all day, you’re fine.” I try to tell myself. But I decided that would be it for the day depending on what the scale said when I got home. “I can eat veggies Sunday if increased. Summer is approaching. You don’t want to look like a wha…” “Stop!” I tell myself. I don’t want to ruin this day. 
On the drive home I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I felt very anxious and panicky. Obsessing over things that I couldn’t control. The glare of the sun, that I had loved before, the speed of traffic, colors of vehicles….things that I usually don’t worry about. I tried to breathe. But the breath wouldn’t come. When I walked through the front door I was overwhelmed with the heaping mounds of clothes I felt like I needed to wash. I decided I would take all my clothes to the laundromat. I thought of my car and how it would need to be cleaned before I could load my clothes in. I could feel myself spiraling wanting so bad to stay grounded. The cracks where my vents are, the scuffs on my walls. The color of my carpet, the dishes in the sink, the scum in the shower, everything started flooding in. I broke. My fiancé asked if I was okay. I began to tell him all the things running through my mind. As I started he interrupted in hopes of helping me not spiral out of control but i was already to far gone. His voice changed in my head. No longer his. It was like one of those whistles that make dogs cringe. I couldn’t take it. I just needed him to be quiet. A tiny piece of my brain was telling me to calm down. Everything was okay, just breathe, but I couldn’t. I screamed shut up and ran to the bathroom. In hopes of calming down I took off my shirts to enter the shower. “Stop! It’s not clean! You’ll just get dirty!” I tell myself. I grab the Ajax and rag and start scrubbing. My fiancé comes in and tells me this isn’t normal as he tries to take the rag from my hands. In a sobbing desperate final plea I beg him to leave me alone, I just need to shower. He reminds me that I had already showered. I try to explain to him but by now all logic is gone. I just need to get clean, I need the itching to stop I cry. He finally leaves me to my cleaning. 

As I finish washing the Ajax from the freshly scrubbed walls I start to feel a sense of relief. I step in and scrub my hair, body, under my nails, and I’m finally free. 
Anxiety and panic attacks are something I deal with everyday. They haven’t gotten this bad in such a long time. I reached out to my tribe and was reminded of how far I’ve come and received so much love and support my heart could explode. One of my favorites is to just dance. Dance it all away. When I feel the emotions coming to just feel it. Stay with it until there is emptiness and remain in it. I am every day battling something but I am not alone. I have to remind myself of that when I’m at my weakest. For those of you that suffer from anxiety you might also have some obsession like I do. During this time it’s hard to make the emotions and feelings stop. A friend told me to embrace it. Look at myself in the mirror and don’t break eye contact. Allow the feelings to come. Breathe it out. Cry, scream, but don’t break the gaze. Remind myself that I am loved. The commonly talked about “Fake it till you make it”. I’ve learned some amazing self help and coping techniques. I know when I’m going through it that it’s hard to remember them, but I know that I just if I want to avoid days like Saturday. I am in recovery, I am loved, I am good enough. Peoples opinions are just that, theirs to have but not to affect me or define who I am. Anxiety 1 Marissa 1 and feeling strong.

Sincerely Me

Back on Track

Back on Track

Since the days of my Evo training I’ve been scared and vulnerable when entering the new world around me. For those of you who don’t know I finally took the step and attended a sort of spiritual emotionally healing training a couple weekends ago. Entering the training I wasn’t sure of what to expect. I thought it was going to be a lot of chanting and meditation; However I was wrong. This training was so life changing I wish I never had to leave. We went in as strangers and left as a family. I myself left so ready to take on the world around me with my new found tools. I felt a switch turn on inside me and I was ready to heal.

During the training we worked on anger, trama, and many other things. Things I won’t ruin for you in case you ever have the amazing opportunity to take the course, which I will say a million times over, has changed my life. From previous blogs you all know how I’ve felt hurt and betrayed by several people, I’ve also experienced a lot of loss that I felt I’d never be able to heal from. Since taking this training I can say those portions of my life I’m feeling much better about.

I see things a little differently now. I’m attempting to not get so angry and hurt by people and their actions. I tell myself I have a choice for it to affect me or not. It’s really been helping me. Before I would allow myself to be so hurt and affected by people and tge things they did or said to me. Now I just keep it out of my bubble. I’m feeling much happier and the people around me can tell that I’ve had a spiritual shift. It feels amazing to be back on track.

Some updates:

1) operation manifesting a little mess has began again so love and baby dust sent our way is much needed❤

2) I’m available again for any help you guys might need along your journey. My email is theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

3) medication free again. Since the training I’ve stopped taking my anxiety and depression medication and I’m feeling much better. I don’t recommend you do so without discussing it with your doctor or medical professional. But for me it’s the choice I’ve had to make.

4)  Still vegan and going strong. It could have a lot to do with the better state of mind I’m in as well.

In closing I want you to all know I enjoy getting your emails and hearing from you. It’s nice to be so supported and encouraged. I hope the nest for all of you along your spiritual quest.