Changes

Changes

Index finger flexing on and off my fully lit screen. “What do I even reply to this?” I say to myself through the tears. I click in and out. Starting, erasing, and retyping my message. “Is there even a point?” My biggest insecurities being shoved down my throat by my own destructive thoughts. Im always the one who cares more, tries more, gives up last.

I respect your decision

One of the biggest lies. I didn’t respect it. I didn’t understand it. But I had to be okay with it.

In that moment I decided I would never give anyone the power to break me again. I’ve said this a million times…..but I meant it this time.I put to much into the people I care about most. In a matter of 5 months I had experienced some of the biggest heartbreaks while trying to heal from my past. “Now? Now is the time you want to walk out”, I think to myself, “This is when you decide to hurt me?” Timing is everything and at the time I thought this was the worst thing that could happen. Who Chooses to give up on someone they care about during times like these?

I could never do this to you

The same 7 words I thought to myself for each individual betrayal. “This is a permanent decision to a very temporary situation.” I spoke out loud as if I could be heard through the just sent message. This is something that I won’t be able to forgive. How could I? I know myself and as bad as I didn’t want it to be true……I knew in that moment my view of you had changed. I could never look at you the same way I once did.

After weeks of self pity and displaced anger I began to pick myself back up. There is nothing like a heartbreak to make you start your soul journey.

In 2015 after my life actually began to take flight I embarked on a spiritual journey. Derailment happened as it will and In November of 2016 I went through an Evolution course taught by Truth Irvine. It was one of the greatest things I could have done. I learned how to love myself, put me first, set boundaries, and let go of so much trauma. I felt renewed. I remember waking up on morning and thinking I had finally reached enlightenment. I forced myself to be happy every morning and I just knew that I had really understood the meaning of that insightful weekend. Do I have to say it or do you already know what’s coming next?

Yea you’re right….I was wrong. I didn’t know crap about enlightenment. Two failed pregnancies later and I was right back in the darkness that I was trying so hard to escape. I let it consume me. Drinking, partying, and all the escapades to numb the hurt that I didn’t want to address. If I push it down and don’t think about it then it’s not real. It never happened right? My idea of dealing with my shit was pretending it didn’t exist.

Years of doing this brought me to two tours in outpatient therapy due to a failed suicide attempt and on the verge of another. 5 days out of the week I was either in group, individual, or processing therapy and classes. It wasn’t until the second go around that I really understood the key ingredient I had been missing all these years. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be anxious.

It is what it is

Those key words. I can’t judge the emotions. What good is that going to do? I can’t change the people around me. I can either express myself and my feelings to the person at hand and if that doesn’t work then accept it or let them go. In the previous heartbreaks I spoke of in the beginning I chose to accept one and let the other two go. Learning that you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick is something I find myself saying daily. I’ve taught people in the past how they can treat me by what I’ve allowed them to do or them see others do. I’ve allowed people to hurt me, walk away, and then waltz right back in again. That wasn’t healthy or healing for me.

This time around I feel so well rounded. Knowing that it’s okay to not be okay is so healing in itself. Just realizing the judging of my thoughts and emotions and letting them just be that. Emotions without judgement is so peaceful in a way. I’m not saying I don’t cry or get angry because I do, but I don’t root myself in it. I’m not living there any longer. An hour or two and then I wash my hands of it till the tomorrow when I allocate time for it again.

During the past 2 months I’ve said goodbye to people I never thought I’d let go of, left my job of 8+ years, strengthened some friendships with some old friends, made some new friends, saying no more….especially to people who don’t contribute to my growth, and started school for a career in a field I wanted to join right after high school. So many changes that I never would have done before. I’m a firm believer that rock bottom can be the solid foundation you can build up from.

I am communicating how I feel in a more productive way as well. Depression, anger and frustration can be brought on by lack of communication or understanding. I’m learning to admit when I’m wrong and stand my ground when I’m not. I express my feelings and don’t allow them to be diminished.

I think there is some type of ease in knowing that things will never be perfect, but they will be okay. You will be happy as long as you allow yourself to be the main source of happiness. At the end of the day you have yourself and that has to be enough.

Sincerely me

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Finding My Way Back From OZ

Finding My Way Back From OZ

A mixture of lavender and over cooked corn tortilla shells was the scent I remember from that day. I can’t remember my thoughts before, the color of my shirt, the location of where I even found the pills, but I can remember the smell that filled the air. It’s ironic isn’t it. Lavender. The calming, stress reducing, essential oil. That’s what I smelt, yet there was no ounce of calm in my body the moment my mouth touched that orange pill bottle.

Reading my text messages from earlier that day nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Complaining to my boyfriend about what a stressful day I was having at work wasn’t off kilter seeing how everyday this year had been intensely overwhelming. I ate lunch with my usual lunch group, talked our usual talks, did my normal work routine. Yet my world went black at some point.

There are a number of things I told the doctors, but nothing after the fact that I can say was the true blue reason of why. I remember taking my father to the behavioral health center after a drug induced psychosis. One of the questions was, “why are you here?” My dad explained he felt like he was trapped in OZ like Dorothy and he needed help finding his way back. There are things that happen in your life that might not hit you right there in that moment. It might be days, weeks, even years later before you finally feel what you should have felt then. But sooner or later the pain you’ve pushed down catches up to you. I finally understood what my father meant by that. I’d clicked my heels a million times, but still couldn’t escape the confines of my own personal OZ.

“What triggered your breakdown?” I was asked. It could have been a number of things, but I do recall before leaving work a coworker stopped and told me that we would be losing our health insurance. Because our job has decided that we are not and I quote “their problem”. How lovely and compassionate. Before kaiser I had medi-cal. My kaiser OB reviewed my charts from my first pregnancy and came to the conclusion that it was indeed a viable pregnancy. Yet my medi-cal doctors didn’t have the time or education to figure out what was going on with my body causing me the pain. They just decided that the pregnancy needed to be terminated. So hearing that I might have to go back to these doctors broke me. I still hadn’t really dealt with the trauma of losing my angels. I just stuffed it deep down hoping it would disappear just ask quickly as they did. Driving home my mind started spinning, calling people to get comfort and understanding, but no one really knows how to comfort you when you cant explain to them what is making you feel the way you do. I have a tendency to have every bad thing that’s ever happened to me crash down upon me when I’m stressed out. It’s like I’m going through it all a new. No words were going to make me feel better. In that moment I had never felt more isolated and alone. I was sad, extremely tired of being this sad, and I just wanted it to stop.

Depression is an evil thing to live with. Most people don’t understand it or even try to grasp how you are feeling. In a room full of people you still can feel so alone. You can’t call into work on your weakest days with the reason being you are depressed without some snarky retort. It’s not an acceptable reason in their eyes. You can’t cancel plans with friends or family because you can’t stop crying without a cure all remark of “can’t you just be happy”. As if it were that easy.

Depression had consumed my souls once again and this time I was ready to let it have me.

I don’t remember much after that. I remember going upstairs to work on some shirts for a friend and that is about it. Bits and pieces of a heated conversation between my boyfriend and I. Then the blackness.

I don’t remember what happened after my world went dark, but I do remember coming too and calling my best friend to take me to the hospital. In that moment I knew I made a mistake. My heart began to race. Not from the pills, but from the thought of making a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My boyfriend tried to talk to me but I can’t recall a word he said. My mind was else where I thought of how if I were to die by my own hand that I wouldn’t go to heaven and see my babies I so desperately longed for every second of every day. I thought of my little rebellious ones and who was going to look after and fight for them if I wasn’t around. I thought of my best friends and how they would wonder why I didn’t talk to them more about the sadness in my soul. But most of all I thought of my Papa and how his heart couldn’t take another loss.

Regret set in around the same time as the nausea and foggy bits. They escorted me to a room with a guard where I waited to purge the poison I had ingested. With every heave I cried. Once again alone with my thoughts. For hours I tried to sleep but my nightmares consumed me.

I was given the option of inpatient or an outpatient program. I could do out patient if my friends agreed to sign saying they would ensure I wouldn’t hurt myself again. With the burden of my life being on my friends I knew I had to focus on getting my heart healthy. Over a month in a program called IOP and I was feeling better and ready to go back to work and be around the world again with all their harsh judgment and criticism. I had two more classes when I received a text saying I would be changing classrooms when I returned to work. Inside I was shattered. This would be the second time my job had decided to retaliate against me during a hard time in my life. But I just replied with excitement. Change is something people going through things can’t really handle. Those two more classes turned into another month in therapy.

Tip toeing through conversations. Every choice word well planned and thought out. I felt equipped to handle the world around me with my tool belt full of new knowledge and understanding of my emotional experiences with the stress of my job, the loss of my babies, and the broken ness of my family. “It is what it is” was my mind set returning to the real world. You can’t change people or situations…..but you can accept them and change the way you allow it to effect you. Catty remarks of “how nice of you to come back” were a great welcoming from a few. If they only could experience half the things I’ve had to maybe they would have a heart and not be so callous. But an overwhelming amount of love and support was also showered upon me from several people as well. For those people I am grateful. You never know what someone is going through so why not just be kind?

Life after a breakdown doesn’t feel like life at all. I feel as if I’m floating, just making it through everyday like a dream. I didn’t know how to quit interact with others. “What were they thinking of me?” “Do they think I’m weak?” So many thoughts creeping through my mind.

During these challenging times I’ve learned that I need to ask for help when I need it. My job is just that, a job. It’s not my whole life. If I need to take a day, a week, a month off to gain mental clarity then I need to do just that. Some people are cruel and I just avoid those people. Not everyone is going to understand what you are going through, but some are willing to try. I still look through my therapy notebook on trying days. I’m not fine, but I’m getting better. Stress management is definitely something I am working on. After the loss of my babies I was told often how strong I was. I didn’t feel very strong. I felt weak and bruised. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I urge you to hug your “strong friends”, Show people who seem distant a little more compassion then usual. You never really know what anyone is going through in life. The people with the biggest smiles and deepest laughs can be the ones hiding the most pain in their hearts.

Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

The Butterfly 

The Butterfly 


I look for signs in every part of my day. A beautiful humming bird is usually my Nana, a sweet dotted ladybug is your oldest sister Elowyn, those magical dragonflies are our sweet Jane, and yesterday when that butterfly entered our classroom…. I knew it was you. I wished and I prayed for you for a very long time. The short week I knew of you I loved you more than words could express. Pregnancy is a really interesting experience. You create this little miracle that you haven’t met yet, but you love it like your whole world depends on it and it alone. You want to protect it from anything that might cause it harm. Including yourself.
This time I was very proactive. I immediately contacted my doctor and began the pokes and the probes. With every prick of the needle I feared if this were the day I would hear that horrific word “ectopic”. I looked for every sign and symptom like the last. But nothing, until the bleeding came. I knew in that moment I had lost you. Shortly after I got the call from the doctor saying she was sorry, but my levels were fading and you were gone. I excused myself to the restroom and cried. “How could this be happening again?” ,I thought to myself, “How can God be so cruel?” I tried my best to compose myself deciding to stay and finish the rest of the day at work so I didn’t have to be at home alone. I went back to the class and began working trying to keep the tears at bay. And then there you were, a beautiful light green butterfly fluttering around our classroom. Looking for a quick way out as soon as you entered. How metaphorical to our situation. Just as quick as we said hello it was already time to say goodbye. I knew I had to be the one to set you free. I approached you and you did not fly away, i sent you all the love I had in my heart and I let you go. 
At the beginning of finding out I was pregnant with you my biggest fear was ectopic pregnancy again. I knew that this time I wouldn’t have the heart to be the one to end your fate. My soul wouldn’t allow it. My biggest regret till this day that eats at me every moment of every day is choosing my life over Elowyn and Janes. The soul person put here to protect them was the one who took them from this world. I knew it would kill me to do it again so I would have to risk it all with you. That’s the conundrum of this whole thing. Yes I am very sad and hear broken that I will not have you in my arms, but I’m relieved that I did everything in my power to protect you this time. You are not leaving at the hands of me.
So I will be seeing you my sweet girl. In every passing butterfly. Sending you love and hugs with every prayer at night. You were wanted and wished for. Created with love beyond this worlds ability to express. You were just to good for this Earth and God knew it. I’ll dream of you until we see each other in heaven.
Love you my little butterfly

Kindness is so gangster…..

Kindness is so gangster…..

The world can be a scary place to live. Especially when you’re in jr high school. In school I got bullied a lot. I was the quirky kid. I had “friends”, but they always picked on me for being weird. Weird to them wasn’t that I played with Yugioh cards or acted out Pokémon in the field like the rest of the kids they labeled “weird”. My weirdness was the fact that I was nice. They would tease me trying to get me to react in a volatile way. Always uping it a notch further. The last straw was when my mom bought me this cheerleading outfit from Limited Too. I was so excited to wear it the following Monday because it was sports theme for spirit week. My mom was hesitant about letting me wear it to school because she didn’t want me to ruin it. After hours of heavy persuading I finally convinced her I would take good care of it. That Monday I strutted into school feeling so cool. I couldn’t wait for my friends to see me. I told one of my friends about my moms fear of it getting messed up and she laughed. During lunch we are on the bleachers, there was a lot of whispering and more side conversations then usual. I started to notice that I wasn’t apart of them. I packed up my stuff and began to walk off the bleachers when one of the girls behind me called my name. As I turned around another girl behind me poured a cup of juice over my head. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry. I kept asking “why did you do that?” “Did you do it on purpose?” as I sobbed. No one answered, they just laughed. One of the girls began to call me names, “you’re so stupid”, she said. I felt the anger start to build. Without thinking I punched her in the face. She fell off the bleachers. I had never felt so horrible in my whole life. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to kill my kindness and I let them win. 
That weekend was my grandparents weekend to have me so I went over to visit. My Nana had heard how I was suspended and wanted to talk about what happened. I told her how the girls called me names and said I was too nice. That I was weird because I didn’t stick up for myself. I explained how I felt after they poured the juice on me and how cruel they were for laughing and calling me names after. I told her they had it coming. My Nana had never looked so disappointed. She said,” there will be times in your life when you get knocked down and you want to knock someone down with you, but don’t. You are a Cupples, your stronger then that” I knew that what I had done was wrong, but it felt good to make her pay for calling me names. “Don’t let the world change who you are. Only me, your papa, and you know who you really are and I love the Rissy you are. Don’t let it weaken you. Don’t let this world change that.” Since that talk with my Nana I have always tried to stay true to me. Never let the world or things that happen change who I am.
Struggling with trying to conceive a child and have it implant in the right location as changed me. It’s weakened me. I have been at rock bottom for a long time because of this. I find myself in this constant struggle of “fake it till you make it”. This whole ordeal has made me into a different person. At first I was trying to be so nice to people because I started to realize you never know what others might be going through so treat them with kindness. When I realized that was turning me into a doormat I began treating people the same way they treated me. Like total and utter shit. Ignoring them how they did me, giving them shit the same way they would, being very petty, lowering myself to their level. One day I took a hard look in the mirror and started to cry. I let the world change me. Every experience I tried to block and and keep strong I let in and make me into a person I am not. 
If I’ve said it once in these blogs I’ve said it a million times, “rock bottom became the very foundation I rebuilt myself on”. I’m not perfect, I’m learning everyday just like the rest of you. This spiritual journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a journey. But I try not to give up. I roll with the bunches…… sometimes I’m just rolling for longer then I expected. Things that shifted me before aren’t shifting me in this present time so I will have to keep tinkering with things till I find what works for me to have my spiritual enlightenment again. It’s a process and a journey, but I’m grateful for the people along for the ride. I kinda forgot how gangster it is to be kind to everyone know matter what.
Sincerely 

Me

Fake It Till You Make It…..again 

“You’re fine” “Everything is okay” “Just breathe” I tell myself as I see the beetle emerge from my freshly cleaned clothes. Any other day I would have completely lost my shit, maybe even thrown all the clothes away, and spiral into an anxiety induced itching frenzy; However, today I’m deciding to breathe. I reach for a shirt hung up in my closet and take the basket to the laundry to re wash it. One win for Marissa, anxiety zero. I go about my day as nothing ever happened. The next morning me and my fiancé have a nice day planned of beach festivities. It’s the Saturday before I go back to work so we want to get out and spend time together at our favorite place. I go into my clothes hamper once again to find my baiting suit. I pull it out with force because it’s stuck under a heap of graphic tees and cut off capris. I feel something crawling on my arm as I dislodged the suit. I look down and it’s a spider. Anxiety and panic start to send me into overdrive but I breathe. “You’re fine, everything is okay.” I tell myself. I walk the spider outside and remain calm. “Don’t ruin this day.” 
The day was amazing. The sun was shining, the sand was warm, and bub was content with the crowd. The day couldn’t have been better. After the beach we headed to our usual vegan restaurant where I over stuffed myself on foods I couldn’t just go to a Denys and eat back home. I felt like I could burst. People have been monitoring my eating and mentioning things like portion control which has got me in a tail spin of calorie counting and over analyzing my eating habits. Which I know shouldn’t affect me because since going vegan I’ve done nothing but lose weight no matter how much I eat. You shouldn’t ever comment on how a person recovering from an eating disorder eats. It can send them right back to where they started. Which is what all this food was starting to do to me. “Marissa, you haven’t eaten all day, you’re fine.” I try to tell myself. But I decided that would be it for the day depending on what the scale said when I got home. “I can eat veggies Sunday if increased. Summer is approaching. You don’t want to look like a wha…” “Stop!” I tell myself. I don’t want to ruin this day. 
On the drive home I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I felt very anxious and panicky. Obsessing over things that I couldn’t control. The glare of the sun, that I had loved before, the speed of traffic, colors of vehicles….things that I usually don’t worry about. I tried to breathe. But the breath wouldn’t come. When I walked through the front door I was overwhelmed with the heaping mounds of clothes I felt like I needed to wash. I decided I would take all my clothes to the laundromat. I thought of my car and how it would need to be cleaned before I could load my clothes in. I could feel myself spiraling wanting so bad to stay grounded. The cracks where my vents are, the scuffs on my walls. The color of my carpet, the dishes in the sink, the scum in the shower, everything started flooding in. I broke. My fiancé asked if I was okay. I began to tell him all the things running through my mind. As I started he interrupted in hopes of helping me not spiral out of control but i was already to far gone. His voice changed in my head. No longer his. It was like one of those whistles that make dogs cringe. I couldn’t take it. I just needed him to be quiet. A tiny piece of my brain was telling me to calm down. Everything was okay, just breathe, but I couldn’t. I screamed shut up and ran to the bathroom. In hopes of calming down I took off my shirts to enter the shower. “Stop! It’s not clean! You’ll just get dirty!” I tell myself. I grab the Ajax and rag and start scrubbing. My fiancé comes in and tells me this isn’t normal as he tries to take the rag from my hands. In a sobbing desperate final plea I beg him to leave me alone, I just need to shower. He reminds me that I had already showered. I try to explain to him but by now all logic is gone. I just need to get clean, I need the itching to stop I cry. He finally leaves me to my cleaning. 

As I finish washing the Ajax from the freshly scrubbed walls I start to feel a sense of relief. I step in and scrub my hair, body, under my nails, and I’m finally free. 
Anxiety and panic attacks are something I deal with everyday. They haven’t gotten this bad in such a long time. I reached out to my tribe and was reminded of how far I’ve come and received so much love and support my heart could explode. One of my favorites is to just dance. Dance it all away. When I feel the emotions coming to just feel it. Stay with it until there is emptiness and remain in it. I am every day battling something but I am not alone. I have to remind myself of that when I’m at my weakest. For those of you that suffer from anxiety you might also have some obsession like I do. During this time it’s hard to make the emotions and feelings stop. A friend told me to embrace it. Look at myself in the mirror and don’t break eye contact. Allow the feelings to come. Breathe it out. Cry, scream, but don’t break the gaze. Remind myself that I am loved. The commonly talked about “Fake it till you make it”. I’ve learned some amazing self help and coping techniques. I know when I’m going through it that it’s hard to remember them, but I know that I just if I want to avoid days like Saturday. I am in recovery, I am loved, I am good enough. Peoples opinions are just that, theirs to have but not to affect me or define who I am. Anxiety 1 Marissa 1 and feeling strong.

Sincerely Me

You’re one of the good ones

“I’ll make you fear me, you know what I’m capable of! You should be afraid!” Words jabbed into my heart like a knife. This coming from the man I went to bat for a couple years ago. The look of hate and anger in his eyes showed me just how wrong I was to believe he would never put a hand on someone he loved. My Uncle knows that I am a victim of domestic violence; however this man is no longer my uncle. The cocktail of substances that he chooses to consume has taken over and he has lost who he was. My Uncle would never treat  me in such a way. He was gone and it was time to morn another loss.


This week has been a challenging one for me. My great uncle passed away after a long fight with hepatitis. It created liver cancer and he went out with his boots one. My uncle was a kind man. Such a gentle soul. He was the “Cupples” I strived to be like. Not like this monster before me spitting as he spoke in my face chest to chest. In previous blogs I wrote about going to court with my uncle and standing beside him as he told the judge he never layer a finger on my grandfather. Now I’m seeing first hand that this must have been a lie. I felt foolish in that moment. It was like the world around me got quiet as he was in my face trying to take up for a man who he weeks ago decided would be “dead to him”. I remembered how he used to be and recalled all the events and details up until this point. When did he stray? When did he become this man before me? Name calling, spewing violence during such a hard time. Something I’ve noticed is death causes people to act in such a hateful way. This day was not the time nor the place for him to get so out of control. 

I speak of forgiveness often. You must forgive people, not for them, but for yourself. What a load to carry with you. Hate and anger toward someone else for wronging you. You can choose to forgive them, not forget and allow them to do the same, but forgive them and move on with no burden or weight. But with my uncle it would be hard. I gave up so much for him because I believed him. With help of others along the years with brainwashing me against my family. Pitting me against certain people. I believed he was right and my papa must have lost his mind. My uncle could never do such a thing. But I’m sure now after these series of devastating events that I was wrong.

How do you forgive someone who has wronged you so bad? I’m not quit sure. I’m finding myself letting go of him. Lately when I’m wrong by someone so harshly It’s like my mind won’t allow me to see the wrong doing. Only to good memories. I feel as if they have passed to another side where I can no longer speak with them. And only the bad person that’s stolen their body remains. Their heart and soul is in a better place and I can speak to them as if I’m speaking to a lost loved one in heaven. I get the urge to call them during times I usually would but just like people in heaven you remember you can’t. It’s hard, but I think it’s my coping mechanism. 

Times like these make it hard for me. As most of you know I’m fighting bipolar depression everyday. I choose to do so with no medication. Is it recommended, no, but I have to do what I feel is right for myself. I’ve been having dark thoughts lately with all that is going on. But I have a great support system that keeps me going. You can’t stop the good fight. I believe I was put on this earth for a purpose. All of us were. We are divine creatures created to do good. Even when life gets rough don’t let it change who you are. My Nana used to tell me,”dont let the world turn your heart cold, you’re one of the good ones.” You’re must remember that during hard times. As much as I want to close everyone out, turn of my lights, and lock my doors I can’t. I’ve worked so hard these past years since beginning this spiritual journey to open up, branch out, and just love people with all I’ve got. If they don’t reciprocate it that’s fine, let them go. But don’t let it define your. Don’t let it turn your heart dark.

I suggest everyone blog, vlog, write, sing about their emotions. Just get it out. It’s the best medicine. If people wanted you to write highly of them, they should have behaved better.