Waking up with my heart pounding with feelings of breathlessness. I dreaded the day ahead. This was a constant battle for me after my breakup. I was so consumed with the dire need to see him, to feel him, to breathe in his scent. It was like I was withdrawing from a drug.
The old mess of a girl that I was always became so dependent on her partner. I had a clingy vibe to me. My significant other and I spent every waking moment together. I was no longer a “me” I was always referred to as a “we” or “you guys”. I had a bad case of codependency.
The years after my breakup I struggled so hard to find myself again. During that relationship lost all of who I was and who I used to be. My friends were replaced with his, my family taken over and flipped into as well. Love can do that to you sometimes. If you submerge yourself so deeply in someone as much as I did it can control you. I needed a rehab to get clean of him. I needed my ex like you need air to breathe. So cliche and over used, but its true. When we went our separate ways I couldn’t function alone. I developed a need to call him, Skype him, text him multiple times a day. He was my drug and I needed a fix. I dragged the non existent relationship on for months.
During this spiritual quest I have learned the power of being alone. Ive gained myself again. I am an “I” I am Marissa. It has never felt so good to enjoy my alone time.
With my current partner I don’t need him. Which sounds as if I don’t love him nearly as much, but I don’t believe that to be the case. I could live without my current partner. Id be sad and I’m sure I’d lose sleep, but I’d function. Id pick myself up by the boot straps and continue to live. I think thats the beauty of it all. I chose him every single day. I have decided on him. I want him. Thats what makes it so special. I don’t feel like my oxygen supply has been cut off when he leaves for trips. I miss him, but I manage without him. Its a simplistic kind of love, but its amazing.
You have to be you. Don’t consume yourself with someone else. Making them your sole reason for existence. You lose yourself. I have been working so hard these past years with trying to find myself again and its been the toughest battle yet. Im not completely there, but I’m a work in progress and you know what, that’s okay. I am me.
As I read the text message I received from my mother telling me that my father was in jail I had a plethora of emotions take place inside of me.
The last time I saw him he was dressed in a soiled grey sweat suit with rips along the seams. He was homeless and on drugs. My body felt numb as I fought back the tears. Seeing your father like that is painful. I pulled over and tried to talk to him. As he struggled to get to his feet I noticed the dried blood on his pants. He whimpered solemnly that he had been hit by a car the day before. I panicked and called my mother. I needed someone’s help. I couldn’t handle this on my own. When she arrived he asked if we could get him some food and take him to the behavioral health center. My father felt like he had lost his mind. The car ride to the hospital felt like old times again. He was his happy joking self. We we’re a family for the short ten mins. It was nice. As we entered the glass automatic doors it was as if a switch turned on the rage and confusion inside him. I retrieved the paperwork and began answering the questions on behalf of my father. The answer he gave for the last question will forever be engraved in my mind….. What brings you in today? “Rissy you know Dorothy and how she’s trapped in OZ? I feel like I’m trapped and I just want to go home. ” said my father. I began to cry. For 5 grueling hours I sat in the room with my father as he came in and out of sanity. I cringed with every hurtful thing he screamed. Finally they sedated him and we we’re asked to leave. That was the last time I saw my father. He was released after his 72 hour hold and I hadn’t seen him since.
With this call I felt at ease knowing he was safe and also out of the cold, but at the same time I felt discouraged. I realized in that moment that I can’t save him. This is his battle, not mine. This will be his fourth time being arrested for drug charges. I have a feeling he is going away for a long time. It puts a thousands bullets in my heart. I am on this amazing spiritual quest and I feel like every other week there is a new test. Im feeling like once i get over one rock another is thrown at me. Knowing that you can’t change someone is the hardest pain to bare. I can’t save him if he won’t accept my help. I feel like he is trapped in a rapid sea of waves and sharks and I’m right next to him begging him to grab ahold of the rope to the rescue boat.
On this journey Ive encountered a lot of opsticles and I’m scratching and fighting to survive them all. I didn’t know how tough I was until I looked at the amount of poop that is thrown my way and how i can still manage to wake up every morning with a smile. I am a divine amazing woman, with a heart as pure as gold. I understand that I cant change people, but I can pray. I can put positive vibes out into the world and hopefully they will reach the depths of my fathers soul that Im needing them to reach. Im feeling alone, like I’m slowly losing everyone Ive ever loved, but I cant let it weaken me. I can’t stop this journey. These blogs every week keep me motivated. They keep me strong.
I will not stop.
We all go through times in our life when our self esteem is so shot we can barely muster up enough positive feelings about ourselves to step outside. That was me most of my life. Id say from the ages 11 until a couple weeks ago I had the lowest self esteem. I didn’t truly love myself. Standing in front of my full length finger smudged mirror I saw myself for who I really was, a beautiful mixed woman with gorgeous curls and curves in all the right places. Its taken me some time to see that.
Growing up I was built different then my family. My skin was darker, my hair was curly, my lips bigger. I felt different and to me different was ugly. Half my life I battled self hatred. I wanted lighter skin, straight hair, and to be paper thin like my older cousins.
I developed an eating disorder and would stuff my face with hearts stars and rainbows lucky charm cereal until I felt like I was going to pop. Id sit in front of that mirror for hours criticizing myself. “You’re so disgusting”, I’d repeat to myself. Id hurl myself over the toilet with the end of my toothbrush down my throat in an effort to cleanse myself of the food sinning I’d done hours before. Pushing at my stomach with a fist and a closed hand eliminating all that I could until I was left dry heaving and coughing up acid. Years and years of binging and purging and all that it got me was a sore throat and brittle feeling teeth.
I longed to be fair skinned like my family. Praying to God to make me look like them as I smeared my mothers face lightning cream all over my body and lying about where it had all vanished to. Adding cap fulls of bleach to my bath water hoping it would work on me like it did on my brothers tank tops. Crying because my mother wouldnt allow me to dye my hair blonde so I damaged it by soaking it in a bowl of peroxide.
The experiments I attempted to fix myself into the person I thought I should be left me feeling broken. Never good enough in any relationship. My love life was a chaotic whirl wind. I couldn’t expect anyone to fully love me when I didn’t even love myself. Id retort to every compliment with a negative jab at myself or I’d insult my own weight. It wasn’t until I started this journey that I truly got it. I was wishing on that 11:11 for all the wrong things. I pleaded for someone to love me for all that I was when in actuality I needed to love myself.
Years of beating myself over the head with a bag of rocks disguised as funny jokes about myself and coping for the fact that I felt as if I wasn’t good enough has been stopped in its tracks with the power of self love. I am divine! I am exceptional in all the ways I can be. You have got to learn to adore yourself. Build yourself up. No one can make you feel good enough. Its an inner truth we all posses. You just gotta believe in yourself. Its amazing how different you will see things when you embrace yourself and love you for you.
Its been a process but its nice to see results. I wake up in the mornings and tell myself I am beautiful, I try to embrace compliments with thank you’s instead of shrugging them off. I tell myself how divine I am everyday! I write it out, say it out loud, say it to others. I make it my truth. I hope you can all experience the power of self love and acceptance. It truly is amazing.
As I write to you Im sitting on a lush patch of green grass wet from the days rain. Im feeling calm and inspired while I listen to the pit pat of the raindrops as they fall so gracefully on my umbrella. Today I was feeling earthy. I had a sudden pull to leave my warm cozy sanctuary of a home and submerge myself into the outdoors. This journey has really opened up my inner earth Goddesses. I feel more inclined to go to the city and hike rather then shop.
Today it is raining and I feel the need to be standing open armed in the rain. It feels warm as the droplets land on my skin. I feel at peace. Im in the middle of my spiritual awakening, I can feel the changes occur. I’ve been feeling peppy and motivated to stay in the here and now. I submerged myself into the river and let the rain fall onto me. It was a freeing and cleansing experience. As the water ran down my body I felt the negative experiences from prior weeks wash away. All the depression I had been feeling was no more. I feel refreshed and balanced for the week ahead.
Rain has a way of making things look refreshed and vibrant. It allows things to grow, it nourishes the soil. Just like the trees I was amongst today I to am feel empowered and uplifted by these energizing droplets.
Laying in my bed with a million thoughts racing through my head, I started to think to myself how easy this journey felt in the beginning. Mind you I was off work and had ample amounts of free time on my hands. Now that I’ve began my hectic work life back up I feel swamped and drained. I’ve forgotten to read my intentions this week and I feel a little guilty. One simple thing that I literally have posted everywhere and I couldn’t make time for it. Time management has always been one of my issues. I wait until the last moment for everything. For the month of November Im going to challenge myself to make time for the things that are important to me. I downloaded an app called Cozi.
Its a planner that you can have with your family and friends. You add a event and whoever you have in your circle can view it. Im going to schedule reminders throughout the day to read my intentions. What better way to manifest a good life then by reading them out loud multiple times a day. Also Im challenging myself to make it to meditation class at least 2 times this month. I usually meditate at home or in my car before work, but if like to take this class my friend keeps raving about. I notice a big difference in my attitude the days I don’t meditate. I need to allow myself time throughout this month to do these things because they are extremely beneficial. I find myself sinking back into depression lately and I start to 2nd guess this process. Was it just the mania talking in the beginning? I can’t allow these thoughts to take hold and cloud my judgment. I need to remain positive. Focused on the things I can change and not fret to much on the things I can’t.
I’ve been feeling alone since I started making positive changes. I’ve noticed old friends not wanting to be around me and it started to make me feel like this journey was the cause. Talking to one of my closet and most dearest friends about how I was feeling really put things into perspective. As we mature we change, we grow. We don’t all stay the same. In the past couple of weeks I’ve been really trying to change my outlook on life. I’ve been focusing more on making thibgs positive. Some people don’t luke to see you doing well, they don’t enjoy seeing yoy happy. Those people are not your friends. Friends want to grow together. She told me the people that are discluding you from things and discouraging you from continuing on on this journey are still in the same place they were in when you first met. They don’t allow themselves to grow and don’t want to see you blossom. Its a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but I think she’s right. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Cherish the time you had with them and let them go. Maybe they will be back for another when the time is right.
November is full of endless possibilities. New friends, new routines, and loads of time for all of it. Im looking forward to all the positive energy and vibes that November holds for me. Another year older and I’m only getting wiser with my age. This journey has been exactly what I needed.