“Hello, Marissa. Yes this is ****** school district. You will be starting the year off in Room ****” said the sweetest voice on the other end of my cell phone. My heart dropped a bit. I explained that there had to be some mistake, I was moved back to my old classroom during summer school. My home. The only place I felt comfortable to be myself. But she insisted that it wasn’t a mistake. I thanked her and ended the call solemnly.
I had gone through a lot over the past couple years and the only place I could leave it all behind was at my job. I worked with a lovely group of women in a beautifully structured and organized classroom. These women we’re and still are like my sisters. They empower me and build me up on my weakest days. Knowing that I would have to spend another school year with out my support system shattered pieces of my soul. I felt like I was being bullied. Ever since my boyfriend left the school I had nothing but problems. I got submerged in the mass of chaos and negativity his teaching days left behind. He got out but I was left with the lions like a sheep trying to stay alive. I will never really understand how people who know nothing about you could try to break you down so low until you are nothing and feel okay about it. Thats what my job was doing to me.
I began the school year feeling defeated. Not that I didn’t enjoy my new coworkers, because I do. They are pretty amazing. But I wasn’t at home. I work with children who have autism. Its challenging but I wouldn’t trade my job for all the money in the world. In my old class I worked as a “communication diva”. I taught the children how to appropriately communicate. Hearing children speak their first words and blossom into these beautiful beings is a blessing that I adore. In my new class there wasn’t time for that. Most of our day is spent running around and putting out fires. I don’t get the joy of teaching anymore. By the time I get home Im emotionally and physically drained from all the commotion from the hours at work. I don’t want to talk or move because of all the noise that I had to endure throughout the day. I find myself stressed because my kiddos aren’t learning. These are critical years in an autistic childs life and I felt like I was a contributor to the lack of learning. My brother has autism so I can’t help but view these children as if they are him. Its hard to witness a sinking ship and not have enough man power to save it.
I was stressed everyday entering work and everyday leaving. Last week during recess one of my coworkers said, “not my monkey, not my zoo.” I let it sink in. This is not my problem. I cant control what is happening around me. I can’t encourage the administration to see that this isn’t working. But what I can do is come into work with a positive attitude. For some of these kids I might be the only love and compassion they receive in a day so why not be the brightest spark. So I came in the next day with a smile. I greeted my kiddos with a cheerful good morning and manifested for it to be a good day. There were a few bumps along the way but I left there this week determined to make this school year the best yet.
Monday morning Im going to walk onto campus with the widest smile. Im going to be positive if it kills me. I lost my way but I refuse to let this break me. Im going to nourish my friendships with my old coworkers. I will make time for them outside of work. I will spend my breaks and lunches with them catching up and laughing instead of venting and rants. My work days will be filled with laughter instead of anxiety. Some people will try to steer you from your path, but you can’t allow it. They can try, but I’m not a sheep anymore. I have to remind myself that I am Marjorie`s granddaughter and I am a Lion! I am on a spiritual journey and I am in the midst of an awakening. I think I needed those simple little words to become a mantra. “Not my monkey, not my zoo.”
This week has been a rough one. Ive been struggling with my anxiety which brings on my depression. I had been wallowing in my self pity for a couple days when I decided that I needed to get back on track. I have this problem where when one bad thing happens to me I fall into a dark place and I am surrounded by all the terrible things that have taken place in my life. During the beginning of this journey I read that you have to be specific about your manifestations. Write them with detail. Well my intentions have been manifesting. Bad news first. One of my intentions manifested but not quiet the way I was expecting. It was created just the way I wrote it, but not how I needed it to be. It caused a rift in my life and really put me in a funk. I felt discouraged from my journey and stopped reading my book. I stopped noticing all the positive things around me. I felt very negative. I started feeling hopeless like before. It wasnt until i started feeling like life maybe wasnt worth living that I knew I needed to help myself through this. I started telling myself that there is light at the end of this tunnel. I joined a support group, made an appointment with my counselor, and started focusing on the positives. Im feeling like my spiritual journey is back on track.
Now for the good. I applied as a bartender and had an interview. The manager told me he liked my vibe and that he would offer me a position as soon as I got my certificate. I went home and buckled down on started an online bartending school. I took my test and today I received my certificate! Seeing one of my intentions manifest just the way I hoped was the motivation I needed. Seven of my 19 intentions have already started showing themselves to me. I am creating the life I want.
I am a believer of this process. You have to be mindful that your intentions my not happen the way you thought. That’s okay. Just rewrite them and try again. We’re only human so we will still have our down days and once again, that is okay. I am not letting that brief moment of depression define me and make me lose hope on how great my life is and is going to be.
Having bipolar disorder and trying to remain in this positive state of kind I’ve been working on while not taking medication has been a battle. For the most part I am so proud of how ove pushed through. I’ve had a couple low points, but I am so blessed to have such great support system. They are the for me when I can’t bear anymore. Without them I dont know where I’d be.
I don’t talk to many people about having bipolar disorder because its something I haven’t fully excepted myself. I have extreme episodes of depression and mania. There isn’t a lot of inbetween with me. This journey has really helped me keep a level head. I can say thay I’ve felt more joy in these past couple weeks than I’ve ever experienced. Watching my life manifest into the life I want right before my eyes has been so amazing and helps motivate me to keep pushing. I wake up every morning with a main goal of being happy. Thos of you thay struggle with bipolar depression know how hard it can be to even fathom the idea of a happy life. For such a long time I didnt even feel like I deserved it. Reading in the book The Map and hearing how divine we all are and how special we can be has helped change my belief. We all deserve happiness.
I went to knightsferry yesterday with some friends for a spontaneous trip. I just soaked it all in. I made sure to admire all the beauty and remind myself to save these mental snapshots for the next time I feel sad. I went on a trip when I was 14 to the Grand Canyon and couldn’t see its beauty. To go from that girl to someone wanting to remember every moment of this trip os a big accomplishment.
We all go through our own struggles in life and wake up fighting our battles, but along the way just keep your eyes on the beauty around you. It’s these little things that keep us fighting. Its your own special medicine whenever the sadness hits.
You’re not alone.
As my eyes stared pleading into his, willing him to remember the me he used to love, a tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t spoke to my Papa for the past two and a half years, except for the awkward hug at my uncles funeral. My Papa started drinking after my Nana died and the bottle of Brandy caused his health to decline. My mother took advantage of the fact that he was having memory lapses and moved in. The same person who spent most of her life feuding with him, attempting to turn me against him was now living under his roof. Within a couple of months she managed to push away everyone who truly loved him. My Uncle, who lived with my grandparents most of my life, was issued a restraining order and kicked out with nothing left to his name under false allegations. I attended the court hearings and after five grueling attempts to explain the situation to the judge I had to walk away from the drama. My depression kicked in and I fell apart. I stopped showing up to work, I gained weight from eating my feelings, and I started to rethink my whole life along with the memories. “How could he do this?”, I would say to myself as I sobbed in the shower, “How could he disown everyone who has ever truly loved him?” Every memory I have is filled with this man who has turned his back on me. For months I received calls and Facebook messages from my mother tearing me down and beating me up emotionally till I felt like I had no fight left. I finally blocked her on Facebook and ignored every call. I began to rebuild my shattered life and start the healing process.
When I entered the hospital room and saw my Papa laying there with that pale look on his face I felt my knees tremble. I hate seeing him like that, so defeated by the world around him and his life choices catching up to him. I looked my mother in the eyes and felt the rage start to swell up inside me. I hated her for him looking like this. I blamed her! I started to say something that would be like gas to a fire and something stopped me.”I intend to forgive my mother and I intend to let go of any anger or negative feelings I might harbor against her,” my inner self said. I took some deep breathes and repeated that several times. I felt like a lost a brick. I felt lighter.
Learning to forgive is a huge part of my spiritual journey. You cant move on and grow as a person if you continue to hold onto the past. I have done a pretty good job at forgiving most of the people in my life that have wronged me, but with my mother I knew it would be tough. Being confronted with her in the room with my grandfather made it a little easier. I didn’t want him to sense my negative energy that I felt towards her and I knew in that moment that I had to let it go. Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they talk about someone they have negative feelings towards? Its scary isn’t it. so much hate and hostility. I’m tired of being that person. The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. So when you attempt to forgive someone keep that in mind. I can say I truly do forgive her, she is my mother. She gave me life and for that I love her. Continuing to say to myself , ” I intend to forgive my mother,” is a great way of continuing to manifest that feeling of forgiveness. I owe myself that ability and power to forgive. Think about what an amazing power that is, forgiving someone takes away their ability to cause you anymore negative emotions. Blame and resentment can take over your whole life if you let them. Allow yourself to forgive at least two people this week and comment below an let me know how it made you feel. truly forgive them, let it all go. It is such an amazing release.