Slumped over my tablet trying to muster up the courage to dig deep and talk about why I’m embarking on this spiritual journey… . When you wake up one day and realize that your life is going to hell in a hand basket you try to think of every way to stop it. I was recently diagnosed with manic depression so I started seeing a therapist to try to get a grip on things. Between the visits and the numbing effects of my Latuda I thought that would jump start some type of change in myself. Coming to terms with having depression is emotionally draining all in itself. During one of my visits with the therapist she mentioned how her daughter was bipolar and went on a trip to Europe to get some clarity. Knowing my financial situation I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility for me so I started googling and found some articles on ‘Spiritual Journeys’. Changing the way you think about things that negatively affect you and trying to manifest the greatest life possible for yourself really appealed to the chaotic manic state of mind I was in. Owning up to who you are and what is going on in your mind is a really tough battle, But on this magical journey in finding myself and becoming a person I love I knew revisiting my childhood and trying to change the way I handled certain situations would be the only way for healing.
The things you go through in your life really do define who you are as a person. Thinking back on my early years I can see why I’m so fearful of being rejected and unloved. I was born in a small town in the local hospital with my mother and father being the only people from my family in the room to welcome me into the world. My grandparents were too embarrassed by the fact that I was African American to come and support my mother during labor. During my first couple of days in the world a handful of people from my family came to visit me, but only to see how “dark” I was. Now don’t let this seem like I don’t love my family because I do. They mean so much to me. I adore my older cousins on my grandmother’s side and I appreciate how supportive they have always been. After I left the hospital my grandparents finally broke down to come and see me and embraced me with open arms. They fell in love with me instantly.
My relationship with my grandparents was more like they we’re my actual parents. They looked after me while my mom was battling her own form of depression and loved me more than I could ever put into words. Everything good that has ever happened to be I contribute to the both of them. In 2007 I lost my biggest fan to breast cancer. She was the one who understood me most and in her eyes I could do no wrong. That chapter in my life has been a grey cloud that follows me everywhere I go. Since then it seems harder and harder to push on. There are not a lot of people in my life who I know without a shadow of a doubt love me unconditionally but my Nana did.
Most of my traumatic memories began in my early years. My mother and I lived in a tiny triplex and that is where I spent my crucial years of childhood. My father moved in shortly after we got settled in. My father was not perfect man. He loved me with all that he could, but imagine how hard it is to love someone when you don’t really love yourself. My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship. I lived in this triplex until I was four and I remember most of the things that took place in that home. Think about that for a second ..what do you remember during those years? Most people can’t remember anything that early, but I can recall every bloody lip and black eye my mother encountered during that time. I don’t think at the time my father truly understood how damaging that was for me. My father wasn’t a monster, I was and have always been petrified of the dark, late at night when my mother was sleeping I would crawl out of my crib and tip toe into the room and he would let me in on his side of the bed. The craziest part of it all is I felt safe right there with my father. Even after all the things I saw him do to my mother I still felt safe beside him every night.
The things that I experienced in my younger years and how I let them affect me molded me into a person who doesn’t let the right people in and throws the good people away.
My mother, who I blame for everything I endured , changed in my teen years into a bitter, hateful, woman who resented me for reasons I won’t even try to wrap my head around. For 10 years of my life I felt so abandoned by a man who I thought was my father only for her to tell me that there was another potential canidet. My mother robbed me of getting the chance to have any meaningful connection to either of them. Not only did I feel like she didn’t want me, but I felt like both of my father’s threw me away as well. A lot of my life was feelings of not being good enough. My self-esteem was and is still extremely low.
If I were to continue on with every negative thing that took place in my life, I feel like I could type for hours, but this isn’t what this journey is all about. I want to free myself of the negativity that took place back then. I want it to define me as a strong individual that can do anything she sets her mind to. I don’t want to be this person who is just walking through life with no real purpose or sense of direction. I’m hoping that by reading some of the things that I said you can connect to me on some type of level. Everyone goes through harsh things in life, it’s how we come out of them that really matters.
I want to post every Monday my goals for the week, some of my thoughts about the week, and some positive affirmations to help me manifest the best week possible. Every Sunday I will let you know how the week went, talk about this amazing book I’m reading by Boni Lonnsburry called The Map, and give you some tips and advice on how I’m handling this spiritual journey maybe in hopes of somehow helping you with yours. I really look forward to this experience and hope that you are ready for this amazing transformation I’m going to go through.