Cleaning my room the other day I came across my first hospital bracelet. The first time it was confirmed that I was pregnant with her and also that I was losing her. It brought back a rush of emotions. I packed it away in her memory box. In our hearts, the ones who loved my little bird so much, she was a she from the beginning. I think that’s something that makes it easier. You have all these unanswered questions when you lose a child in early pregnancy. Whats the gender? What would it have looked like?  But if you start to imagine your baby, healing becomes easier.

Ive been beyond depressed with everything that has transpired. I don’t want to leave my bed, I dont want to see friends, being around children is extremely excruciating. Its a pain I havent felt before. I had been avoiding my doctors visits and refusing blood draws because it meant number one, I would have to be in a waiting room full of new and expecting mothers and number two…… seeing my hcg levels drop would mean you were really gone.

Last Friday I finally went in and my levels were decreasing as expected. I broke down. They sent me to see the counselor. I could barely get a word out between the tears and trying to catch my breath. She told me I was severely depressed. “Ya think”, I thought. She recommended I take some time off from work and really work on getting better, but to me work helps. Its a routine. It forces me to get up and put a smile on no matter how fake. She prescribed me some prozac and told me she wants to see me every Friday. Leaving there I couldn’t help but think about something she had said. “You’re sick”, she said, “depression is like any other disease. If you had cancer would you refuse to see a doctor? No you would get treatment so you can get better. Marissa, I want to help you get better and I want you to want this as well. Its not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. ” Before losing my baby I was doing better. I was working on becoming a better me. I set off on a spiritual journey of self improvement and enlightenment. I was happy. I was able to combate my bipolar mania and depression with meditation, yoga, blogging, reading, and manifesting. I was active in my friends lives. Now I’ve lost all that and have distanced myself from the ones I love.

My friend recently sent me a picture

It has inspired me to do better. To feel better. In no way will I ever forget the fact that I was once pregnant with a beautiful baby. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I AM A MOTHER. I’m just a mommy to a beautiful Angel baby who lives in heaven. Growing up I always said I wanted to be the best mom I could be for my child. I can’t be a good mom to anyone if I am so sad that I can’t even find the strength to brush my hair on some days. I will not plant my roots in this depressing state I’m in. I will fight on. Its not going to be easy and I know that, but I’ve got some great people willing to help carry me when I cant stand to walk anymore. Im gonna be okay.