Ive been dreading this moment. The moment when I can longer cling to the hope that by some miracle you could still be growing in my belly into my beautiful little baby. As my body contracts trying to release any piece I have left of you I weep. Weep for the Christmas I won’t share with you, the first birthday, the first moment I feel you kick. It is my job to keep you safe. I am your mother and by some sick twisted fate it is my body that is killing you. The pain I am feeling is worth every excruciating moment. It lets me know you were real, you existed. You were and forever will be my baby.
As I sit in the egg shell colored bath, submerged in a heap of bubbles I rub my stomach and sing to you. The same german nursery rhymes your nana above sang to me and will continue to sing to you when you meet her in heaven. I hope you don’t feel pain. I guess that’s the beauty of being 4 weeks as morbid as it might be. As the tears fall I imagine you stroking my cheek and telling me everything is going to be okay.
The days that will follow won’t be the same. I will continue to move through life as normal as normal could possibly be after a ordeal like this. I will return to work with a smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside. People will try to console me with “you’re in a better place” “at least i know i can get pregnat” “you can always try again” not knowing that those cliche words ignorantly thrown together in a sad excuse of condolance are far from what i want to hear at the moment. The only piece of sufficient help i need these days is a hug. A piece of me was taken away to heaven with you my little bean.
Seeing your cousins won’t have the same joy it used to. More like a sad reminder that you should be here. I saw your cousin Gianna Friday. She would have loved you. As I looked at her sweet face as we played with her legos together I imagined you beside us. Laughing and pretending alongside us. You guys would have been inseparable like me and your aunt Brittany. I wanted to mention you to her, but she’s to little to understand. When I am with her I will cherish her more now I think. I imagine you would have had her quirky personality.
I will try again, but not for another you. Not a replacement. But for a little brother or sister for you. Your memory will live on through them. I will always wonder if you would have resembled them. I will speak of you to them. I got a bear made the day after I found out I would be losing you. It gives me comfort. I take it everywhere. When we have another baby I will let them have it. So they to have a piece of their older sibling. You will still have the duties and responsibility that comes along with the title. Make sure to steer them in the right direction. You will be their protector just as I protect your uncle Marcus. The only difference is you will do it from a special place called heaven.
Every morning I wake up with sore breasts. The sickening reminder that I was once pregnant and lost a child is smeared in my face everyday. I have nauseous sensations randomly throughout the day. I asked the doctors if they were certain you were gone. They repeated the same line I heard once before. With the slow dropping levels I will still experience these symptoms until you and any reminisce are no more.
You are on my mind in all that I do. Every day to day routine is full of thoughts of you. You keep me fighting these days. I bring you up often. I never wonder if people are tired of hearing about you. Your aunt Ris has been my biggest supporter. Shes gone through this with her two babies as well. As for now we are left loving you from a far and it has to be good enough for now.
February 3, 2016 was the happiest day of my life. As me and your daddy drove to get a new board game he had been wanting for sometime, my thoughts were focused on you. With his hand on my stomach and both our brains wrapped around the beautiful future we would have with you I couldn’t help but worry. The spotting had begun that morning but all my research said it was normal. I tried to manifest the best life with you such an healthy and amazing pregnancy I kept saying inside my head. That day was the happiest day of my life and every day since I knew you existed.
It was January 28th. I woke up feeling different. Fluttered feelings were growing inside my tummy. We had been trying to conceive but the tests I took four days earlier were big fat negatives. My period came, or so I thought so I believed I missed out this month. When my period ended 3 days early I thought maybe I should test again. So while I rushed to get ready for work I took a test and left out the door. I assumed it would be the same one blue line I had been seeing so I didn’t stay to see the heartbreaking results. I went about my day as normal. When I got home I still didn’t think to check the test. Your daddy came home and we began doing some yard work. at 6:08 pm on January 28th I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and remembered “oh the test!” I looked in the window sill where I had set it and saw two blue lines! I had this whole precious way of announcing it to your father but I couldn’t control myself. I ran into the backyard and yelled over the hum of the lawnmower, “I’m pregnant.” I was gripping that test with all my might. I don’t think he believed me because he just smiled and kept about his business. I ran over to him and showed him. Your father is a funny guy. He said something snarky and I told him I would test again. I took 3 more that night and all positive. My heart began to sing.
That night we told your Uncle Doug and David. You are so loved. When we went to sleep I slept with my hand touching my stomach so softly and imagining our beautiful future. The next couple days were full of talks about you and how we would announce it to everyone. I told your adopted grandmother and one of my good friends. They were both so happy for me. Every time I saw them they smiled. The handful of people I told were happy for me. They knew how long I waited for you. Everyday just kept getting better and better.
On Thursday the bleeding increased. I began to cramp. I tried to get through work but 2 o clock came and I couldn’t stand it. I turned to my friend Hannah amd told her what was happening. She told me to go. The drive to the ER I didn’t think I would be told that I would never get to see your beautiful face. I tried to keep my thoughts positive as they oked and dug in my veins trying to find a way to fill the veil. The pain I went through those 5 hours was worth it because I thought I’d be receiving good news. The emergency room was full of of people, but I felt alone like it was just me and you. I held my tummy and tried to show you all the love I could. Waiting for the results of my levels felt like I was waiting on a death sentence.
On Thursday February 4th, 2016 was one of the worst days of my life. I went home and cried most of the night. A rollercoaster of hope and grief filled my heart. I held on to the thought of you waiting for my level retest on Saturday to confirm the fact that I would be childless.
I never got to hear your heartbeat, never got to see if you would have my eyes, but I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this whole world. I leaned on the support of your aunts Channa and Caitlyn, they helped me see that you were just to beautiful for this world. Your Aunt Marisa said it best, you are not alone. You will be held so tight by your great Nana and your two cousins in heaven. They will show you all the love we wish we could have showed you here on earth. You were only known for a short while but I will love you every second I’m alive. God were you loved down here. I will send you love, kisses, and hugs everyday. I was pregnant for a handful of days that i knew of and they were the most magical, emotional, days I’ve ever experienced. I will hold my stomach as I talk to you and imagine phantom kicks. You’re our angel. I love you my sweet precious baby. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, you made me a mommy.