If you think it, so it will be

As we drove on and on past road constructions on countless amounts of detours I never thought today would be the day one of my intentions would come true. When we arrived at the cemetery I thought his only plan was to visit our sweet Nanas and pay our respects. As I knelt down to wipe the rubbish off of her tombstone, he dropped to one knee. “I had to make sure your Nana was here with you for this”, he said. I thought he was joking. Through the weeks he had been pretending to do so and I just assumed this was the same. I was filled with a million different emotions but I couldn’t help but want to look to the heavens and smile at my Nana. 
Officially engaged! If you remember back to the vision board post it was one of the big things I put on there. When you love someone you kinda just want the whole shebang to start right away.

I’m always preaching the power of manifesting the life you want. Take time this week to write out a few intentions and see the magic that can happen.

Sincerely me

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Don’t forget what you deserve 

“You’re stupid if you think this is going to make a difference.” Negative clouds have been casted over me lately. With every quick check at my labels to ensure I’m not consuming any animal products I get a look, criticism, or a chuckle. Since becoming vegan I’ve been catching a lot of heat from people around me. A fluid exchange of words have turned it bullets and daggers of differencing opinions. When did being different turn into a bad thing?

In life we all encounter people who enjoy the argument, the gossip, or just making people feel plain old shitty. I’ve equipped myself with love and light when it comes to dealing with people like this, but with me changing my lifestyle so drastically I’ve been like a toilet just waiting for the negative critics to squat down and shit. We’ve all been there. You can’t ever be good enough for everyone, sometimes you just have to own who you are and be yourself. People are going to say what they want to say, but you don’t have to tolerate it. Below are some of my ways of handling, coping, and dealing with negative clouds not producing any colorful rainbows in your life.

1) Say how you feel about what the person is saying without playing the victim role. Be matter of fact and to the point. You don’t have to play into the theatrics.

2) If you have stated to these certain people who you feel about their actions and they continue to act with disrespect, distance yourself.
Example: I was really close with a girl. Extremely good friends, somethings transpired that deeply hurt my feelings, I never received an apology. I began to set boundaries. I stopped coming around. Only when it was a must did I see her. I began to feel better because I wasn’t lowering myself and allowing someone to treat me poorly.

3) Don’t allow them to pretend like nothing happened. A lot of times when people wrong you, they will drop it and pretend everything is okay. Do not allow people to do this. You are showing them that they are able to say or do whatever they want to you and the next day things will be fine. You need people who are going to raise your vibration, people who are willing to right their wrongs.

4) On days when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the words and actions of others I meditate. A good 10 to 15 mins is all I really need, but it can vary from person to person. It just allows me to get back into the now and focus on my journey.

5) Get it out. Don’t hold back how you are feeling. If you don’t think in that moment you can justly and calmly express yourself. Tell them you are upset and would like to take a minute to regroup so you don’t say something you don’t mean.

Remember you are an extraordinary human. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. You don’t have to allow people to say things that hurt you in anyway. Big or small. 

You find out who your friends are

These past couple months I have relied on the support and love of my friends. I have leaned on them and used many as a crutch when I could no longer walk. Many days I felt as if my life was over and I was just navigating through a dream that I couldn’t wake from. Without many of them I don’t think I would be able to smile on most days.

When I found out I was going to be having a baby I told a handful of people I considered to be my close friends. They were supportive at the time and I felt happy to know that my baby would be entering this world so loved! It’s not until you go through something hard in life that you really find out who loves you unconditionally. When I lost the baby a lot of people I considered to be a big part of my world forgot how to be human. They stopped checking on me, never asked how I was doing, and became people I once knew. I felt alone. We all have experience heart-break from a love lost, but imagine a group of people breaking your heart all at once. I was so depressed, I found comfort in my boyfriend and depended on him to give me guidance. He expressed to me how I should not worry about those people because if I didn’t matter to them, they shouldn’t matter to me. It wasn’t until then that I started to really notice the lovely souls around me.

I have never felt so blessed during such a hard time. I have two amazing people who I have the pleasure to see Monday through Friday for a majority of my day, they have been my humor, my strength, my backbone on days that I didn’t think I would be able to make it through a work day. I am so happy to call them my friends. I have an amazing person who greats me everyday before work with a smile, even for the short walk we have to the sign in office i feel the love and compassion. I have 3 of the most amazing woman who I call my best friends. They have been there for me no matter what time it is day or night just to hear me out no matter how crazy the conversation might be. I have a gracious and kind-hearted boyfriend that has taken the brunt of my pain and stifled away his own just to help me heal. When your busy looking at all the bad in your life, you tend to miss out on a lot of the good. I was so busy worrying about the friends that I had lost I wasnt paying attention to the ones I had gained.

Before the loss of my beautiful angel I was on this magical journey of self discovering, spiritual healing, and enlightenment. I learned amazing techniques on how to channel my positive energy and really manifest something great, but with all the hurt I had been experiencing I lost sight of that. I am grateful for the support I have gotten these past couple months because without it I don’t think I would have survived. It was a lot of little things that amazing people did for me that helped me focus on the one big thing….I am alive! I have suffered from something traumatic, but I made it out alive. I have to keep living. That doesn’t mean waking up everyday and doing things the same way I did them before, it means loving each day and the people I get the share it with. You only get this one life, don’t waste it on people who you mean nothing to. Cherish the ones who make your energy vibrate stronger.

You hit like a ………

Cleaning my room the other day I came across my first hospital bracelet. The first time it was confirmed that I was pregnant with her and also that I was losing her. It brought back a rush of emotions. I packed it away in her memory box. In our hearts, the ones who loved my little bird so much, she was a she from the beginning. I think that’s something that makes it easier. You have all these unanswered questions when you lose a child in early pregnancy. Whats the gender? What would it have looked like?  But if you start to imagine your baby, healing becomes easier.

Ive been beyond depressed with everything that has transpired. I don’t want to leave my bed, I dont want to see friends, being around children is extremely excruciating. Its a pain I havent felt before. I had been avoiding my doctors visits and refusing blood draws because it meant number one, I would have to be in a waiting room full of new and expecting mothers and number two…… seeing my hcg levels drop would mean you were really gone.

Last Friday I finally went in and my levels were decreasing as expected. I broke down. They sent me to see the counselor. I could barely get a word out between the tears and trying to catch my breath. She told me I was severely depressed. “Ya think”, I thought. She recommended I take some time off from work and really work on getting better, but to me work helps. Its a routine. It forces me to get up and put a smile on no matter how fake. She prescribed me some prozac and told me she wants to see me every Friday. Leaving there I couldn’t help but think about something she had said. “You’re sick”, she said, “depression is like any other disease. If you had cancer would you refuse to see a doctor? No you would get treatment so you can get better. Marissa, I want to help you get better and I want you to want this as well. Its not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. ” Before losing my baby I was doing better. I was working on becoming a better me. I set off on a spiritual journey of self improvement and enlightenment. I was happy. I was able to combate my bipolar mania and depression with meditation, yoga, blogging, reading, and manifesting. I was active in my friends lives. Now I’ve lost all that and have distanced myself from the ones I love.

My friend recently sent me a picture

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It has inspired me to do better. To feel better. In no way will I ever forget the fact that I was once pregnant with a beautiful baby. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I AM A MOTHER. I’m just a mommy to a beautiful Angel baby who lives in heaven. Growing up I always said I wanted to be the best mom I could be for my child. I can’t be a good mom to anyone if I am so sad that I can’t even find the strength to brush my hair on some days. I will not plant my roots in this depressing state I’m in. I will fight on. Its not going to be easy and I know that, but I’ve got some great people willing to help carry me when I cant stand to walk anymore. Im gonna be okay.

The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

Learning to Forgive

As my eyes stared pleading into his, willing him to remember the me he used to love, a tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t spoke to my Papa for the past two and a half years, except for the awkward hug at my uncles funeral. My Papa started drinking after my Nana died and the bottle of Brandy caused his health to decline. My mother took advantage of the fact that he was having memory lapses and moved in. The same person who spent most of her life feuding with him, attempting to turn me against him was now living under his roof. Within a couple of months she managed to push away everyone who truly loved him. My Uncle, who lived with my grandparents most of my life, was issued a restraining order and kicked out with nothing left to his name under false allegations. I attended the court hearings and after five grueling attempts to explain the situation to the judge I had to walk away from the drama. My depression kicked in and I fell apart. I stopped showing up to work, I gained weight from eating my feelings, and I started to rethink my whole life along with the memories. “How could he do this?”, I would say to myself as I sobbed in the shower, “How could he disown everyone who has ever truly loved him?” Every memory I have is filled with this man who has turned his back on me. For months I received calls and Facebook messages from my mother tearing me down and beating me up emotionally till I felt like I had no fight left. I finally blocked her on Facebook and ignored every call. I began to rebuild my shattered life and start the healing process.

When I entered the hospital room and saw my Papa laying there with that pale look on his face I felt my knees tremble. I hate seeing him like that, so defeated by the world around him and his life choices catching up to him. I looked my mother in the eyes and felt the rage start to swell up inside me. I hated her for him looking like this. I blamed her! I started to say something that would be like gas to a fire and something stopped me.”I intend to forgive my mother and I intend to let go of any anger or negative feelings I might harbor against her,” my inner self said. I took some deep breathes and repeated that several times. I felt like a lost a brick. I felt lighter.

Learning to forgive is a huge part of my spiritual journey. You cant move on and grow as a person if you continue to hold onto the past. I have done a pretty good job at forgiving most of the people in my life that have wronged me, but with my mother I knew it would be tough. Being confronted with her in the room with my grandfather made it a little easier. I didn’t want him to sense my negative energy that I felt towards her and I knew in that moment that I had to let it go. Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they talk about someone they have negative feelings towards? Its scary isn’t it. so much hate and hostility. I’m tired of being that person. The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. So when you attempt to forgive someone keep that in mind. I can say I truly do forgive her, she is my mother. She gave me life and for that I love her. Continuing to say to myself , ” I intend to forgive my mother,” is a great way of continuing to manifest that feeling of forgiveness. I owe myself that ability and power to forgive. Think about what an amazing power that is, forgiving someone takes away their ability to cause you anymore negative emotions. Blame and resentment can take over your whole life if you let them. Allow yourself to forgive at least two people this week and comment below an let me know how it made you feel. truly forgive them, let it all go. It is such an amazing release.

Sincerely Me