The Due Date

Hurled over my steering wheel crying my eyes out. Tears pouring out in a heavy stream, my knuckles and wrists sore from punching my windows so hard I’m surprised they didn’t break. Heart shattered like glass. I had to keep it together, I didn’t want to come in to the house and let everyone know, once again I was losing it. Screaming at God for doing this to me. “I don’t ask you for anything! Please! Please! This one thing! Fix it! Give it back to me! I’ll do anything I pleaded!” But still you were gone.
After I lost my sweet little bird I cried for days, weeks, but after time people begin to forget. I couldn’t forget. You were mine and I was yours. We were apart of one another. Our souls meshed into one. I tried to keep myself busy so I didn’t have another episode, but after something like that I believe it’s easier said then done. A month had passed and I was finally able to go a day without crying, the dark thoughts had subsided, and I was starting to heal. When people notice you are starting to feel like you self again they try to knock you back down, keep you in your place. I had someone who I thought was my friend tell me they were going to do a nice act by finding me and gifting to me something in remberance of you. In the end it was a ploy to hurt me. I broke down again. It may seem silly to others, but anyone who has gone through a loss like that knows that every thing surrounding the tramatic situation is a trigger. Babies, the ribbon, the name, birthdays, everything. Once again I had to mend my heart and start a new. I’ve been fine for weeks now. The occasional sad thoughts, but I try to keep it positive. I don’t allow myself to feel the pain, as bad as it hurts.

“One week and two days” the email read. I opened it not really paying much attention to the sender. “You’re baby is the size of a leek! You’re due date is one week and two days….” it went one but the words got jumbled. I wanted to scream, but the boys would hear me. Instead I rolled over and let it out into my pillow, the maturity pillow I bought the same day I found out. Today it feels like I’ve lost you all over again. I keep telling myself to be strong, think positive, but every beat of my heart won’t let you go. “Does this ever get better?”,  I write to my ectopic pregnancy group hoping for some sort of comfort. Just to delete the thred. Knowing any words or reply will just numb the pain for a millisecond. I’m was just looking for a band aid.

 People tell me a God has a plan. I try with all my soul to envision this “plan”. If they only knew that I had forced myself to be around people because I was so scared of what I might do if I was alone back then. It’s hard to not be angry at God. With all the suffering from something like losing a baby causes, what could possibly be positive from all that. As time as gone on I try to just my mind clear of any negative thoughts surrounding it.

I’ve had to implement a new self help/ coping strategy when ever I feel that the day is just going to get to me. If I’m at home I’ll take a nice relaxing bath or I’ll go sit outside. Fresh air helps clear my mind. When I’m at work I’ll try to focus really hard on what I’m doing, I through myself into every activity we have going that day. Anything to keep me busy. I’ll play music to help me focus on something else. Trying to decipher what the artist might have been trying to convey at the time. If none of this helps then I’ll excuse myself to the restroom and just allow the tears to fall. I’m only human and I can only be strong for so long before I break. 7 times out of 10 the tears win. But I know that one day I’ll be able to look back on this and forget all the sadness it caused and just remember how amazing and happy I felt when I was oblivious to it all and my thoughts were just filled with you.

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The Ultimatum 

As I walked out of the BART tunnel off the stairs and into the salty air, cool breeze, buildings to the heavens skylines city I felt at peace. Lately I’ve been working on getting out and just experiencing life. I have always had an irrational fear of public transportation for many reasons. I feared all the germs covering every surface of the transit, the odd, unexpected things the passengers might do or say, and if something terrible might happen along the way. But today I tried to put all that behind me and enjoy my ride. 

Every time I get out of town to a place I consider my zen place I’m always flooded by a million thoughts. Me, my fiance, and our friend were the ones Embarking on this adventure. Recently I was told if I continued a friendship with our friend or his mother that another person would no longer have a friendship with me. I hadn’t really allowed myself to dwell on it until I hit the city. Like i said It’s always when I go to find peace that my mind starts twirling and analyzing past events. Never when I sit down to really think about them. As much as I tried to block that negative conversation out of my mind I wasn’t able too.

As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I am a people pleaser. A “Yes Man” in every true meaning of the word. When someone is upset with me I analyze everything I’ve ever done to them, every conversation, every interaction to figure out what I’ve done wrong. But in this situation I just couldn’t understand what I could have possibly done. Our relationship had been rocky for awhile due to certain events that had transpired. So the conversation that occurred left me extremely confused. As an adult I would never tell another adult that in order for them to remain in my life they would have to give up someone who meant the absolute world to them. It’s cruel. I would maybe ask them to not mention them around me or bring them around me if they brought me absolute grief and despair, but never give them an ultimatum.

Have you ever been in this type of situation? Did it make you consider actually picking a side? For nights I felt torn between people and families. I couldn’t bring myself to let them go. I sat down with a friend and they explained it in perfect sense. “Never hold onto someone who puts you in that situation. If they truly wanted you in their life they would never make you pick. Those words would never leave their mouth.”

As most of you know I went through a really dark time. I lost something very precious to me. The people I was told to throw away were there for me through it all. They’ve always been a shoulder I can cry on. They’ve never used my hurt against me to make me experience even more pain. For that I’m thankful I decided to keep them in my life.

In life you are going to have people who will use you, try to knock you down, and make you feel lower then you’ve ever felt. You will have people who are selfish and will ask unreasonable things from you. It’s how you respond to it that truly matters. Do not let them change you or make them reevaluate who you are. You are a divine being. Let them go.