Trauma Queen: 101

The roar of my alarm snoozed for the third time. It’s 7:45 and I need to manage to pull myself out of bed. 8am start time. I throw the sheets back, stretch, whine, and head to the bathroom. As I gaze into the tooth past spittled mirror I contemplate calling off. “There’s so much more you could be doing with your time,” My brain yells! Since the passing of my Papa I’ve been sitting with these feelings of doubt. I question every action and choice. “Should you eat that?” “Why’d you forget your glasses?” “Why answer that call?” Everything is second guessed. I hyper focus on certain things. This morning it was my job.

On the short car ride to work I listened to the Lavendaire podcast about not settling. Growing up my grandfather taught me to know my value. Don’t down play my strengths, understand my weaknesses, teach people how to treat me accordingly, and add tax because I was a Cupples. That car ride it was like my grandfather was personally speaking to me. “Do Not Settle!” I began exploring my options later that day. Researching the average pay for similar skill sets such as mine. Compared my work ethics to my coworker and realizing how much more I bring to the table and only get paid .50 cents more. I started to question my worth. “Why aren’t you paid more?” “What could you do to improve?” I lost motivation.

The months following my efforts to go into work dramatically changed. I was missing weeks at a time. I just didn’t feel like my time or skills were needed any longer. I began hyper focusing on my health instead. In 2 months I lost 20lbs, began seeing my worth, felt happier, worked out everyday, and was doing things to make myself happy again. I realized that the hours I was spending at my job where I began doubting my strengths were hours I could use to better myself. I knew it was time to leave. I asked for a pay increase, took modules to become more well rounded in certain areas to be an even better assets, but it wasn’t offered.

In today’s society we have normalized putting our work above ourselves and staying at a job out of fear of change. After losing my Papa change doesn’t scare me as much any longer. You have to take chances and if it doesn’t work out at least you tried. You can always find something different. Taking the leap is needed to grow and evolve. I realized I was falling back into old habits of putting a job before my goals.

I began setting intentions to leave and find a job where I was paid an adequate wage with decent hours. A couple weeks later I was offered a position at my second job with the same hours just more pay and a sub position as well for another company.

Sometimes it just takes sitting with yourself and your feelings to realize what medicine you truly need. In my case it was setting intentions, clearing out negative energy of self doubt, and finding the strength to move on. Life is messy and challenging but you have to always remember your worth and that in the end you can do hard things.

Sincerely Me