And then one day you’re beautiful

We all go through times in our life when our self esteem is so shot we can barely muster up enough positive feelings about ourselves to step outside. That was me most of my life. Id say from the ages 11 until a couple weeks ago I had the lowest self esteem. I didn’t truly love myself. Standing in front of my full length finger smudged mirror I saw myself for who I really was, a beautiful mixed woman with gorgeous curls and curves in all the right places. Its taken me some time to see that.

Growing up I was built different then my family. My skin was darker, my hair was curly, my lips bigger. I felt different and to me different was ugly. Half my life I battled self hatred.  I wanted lighter skin, straight hair, and to be paper thin like my older cousins.

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I developed an eating disorder and would stuff my face with hearts stars and rainbows lucky charm cereal until I felt like I was going to pop. Id sit in front of that mirror for hours criticizing myself. “You’re so disgusting”, I’d repeat to myself. Id hurl myself over the toilet with the end of my toothbrush down my throat in an effort to cleanse myself of the food sinning I’d done hours before. Pushing at my stomach with a fist and a closed hand eliminating all that I could until I was left dry heaving and coughing up acid. Years and years of binging and purging and all that it got me was a sore throat and brittle feeling teeth.

I longed to be fair skinned like my family. Praying to God to make me look like them as I smeared my mothers face lightning cream all over my body and lying about where it had all vanished to. Adding cap fulls of bleach to my bath water hoping it would work on me like it did on my brothers tank tops. Crying because my mother wouldnt allow me to dye my hair blonde so I damaged it by soaking it in a bowl of peroxide.

The experiments I attempted to fix myself into the person I thought I should be left me feeling broken. Never good enough in any relationship. My love life was a chaotic whirl wind. I couldn’t expect anyone to fully love me when I didn’t even love myself. Id retort to every compliment with a negative jab at myself or I’d insult my own weight. It wasn’t until I started this journey that I truly got it. I was wishing on that 11:11 for all the wrong things. I pleaded for someone to love me for all that I was when in actuality I needed to love myself.

Years of beating myself over the head with a bag of rocks disguised as funny jokes about myself and coping for the fact that I felt as if I wasn’t good enough has been stopped in its tracks with the power of self love. I am divine! I am exceptional in all the ways I can be. You have got to learn to adore yourself. Build yourself up. No one can make you feel good enough. Its an inner truth we all posses. You just gotta believe in yourself. Its amazing how different you will see things when you embrace yourself and love you for you.

Its been a process but its nice to see results. I wake up in the mornings and tell myself I am beautiful, I try to embrace compliments with thank you’s instead of shrugging them off. I tell myself how divine I am everyday! I write it out, say it out loud, say it to others. I make it my truth. I hope you can all experience the power of self love and acceptance. It truly is amazing.

Sincerely Me

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