Finding My Way Back From OZ

Finding My Way Back From OZ

A mixture of lavender and over cooked corn tortilla shells was the scent I remember from that day. I can’t remember my thoughts before, the color of my shirt, the location of where I even found the pills, but I can remember the smell that filled the air. It’s ironic isn’t it. Lavender. The calming, stress reducing, essential oil. That’s what I smelt, yet there was no ounce of calm in my body the moment my mouth touched that orange pill bottle.

Reading my text messages from earlier that day nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Complaining to my boyfriend about what a stressful day I was having at work wasn’t off kilter seeing how everyday this year had been intensely overwhelming. I ate lunch with my usual lunch group, talked our usual talks, did my normal work routine. Yet my world went black at some point.

There are a number of things I told the doctors, but nothing after the fact that I can say was the true blue reason of why. I remember taking my father to the behavioral health center after a drug induced psychosis. One of the questions was, “why are you here?” My dad explained he felt like he was trapped in OZ like Dorothy and he needed help finding his way back. There are things that happen in your life that might not hit you right there in that moment. It might be days, weeks, even years later before you finally feel what you should have felt then. But sooner or later the pain you’ve pushed down catches up to you. I finally understood what my father meant by that. I’d clicked my heels a million times, but still couldn’t escape the confines of my own personal OZ.

“What triggered your breakdown?” I was asked. It could have been a number of things, but I do recall before leaving work a coworker stopped and told me that we would be losing our health insurance. Because our job has decided that we are not and I quote “their problem”. How lovely and compassionate. Before kaiser I had medi-cal. My kaiser OB reviewed my charts from my first pregnancy and came to the conclusion that it was indeed a viable pregnancy. Yet my medi-cal doctors didn’t have the time or education to figure out what was going on with my body causing me the pain. They just decided that the pregnancy needed to be terminated. So hearing that I might have to go back to these doctors broke me. I still hadn’t really dealt with the trauma of losing my angels. I just stuffed it deep down hoping it would disappear just ask quickly as they did. Driving home my mind started spinning, calling people to get comfort and understanding, but no one really knows how to comfort you when you cant explain to them what is making you feel the way you do. I have a tendency to have every bad thing that’s ever happened to me crash down upon me when I’m stressed out. It’s like I’m going through it all a new. No words were going to make me feel better. In that moment I had never felt more isolated and alone. I was sad, extremely tired of being this sad, and I just wanted it to stop.

Depression is an evil thing to live with. Most people don’t understand it or even try to grasp how you are feeling. In a room full of people you still can feel so alone. You can’t call into work on your weakest days with the reason being you are depressed without some snarky retort. It’s not an acceptable reason in their eyes. You can’t cancel plans with friends or family because you can’t stop crying without a cure all remark of “can’t you just be happy”. As if it were that easy.

Depression had consumed my souls once again and this time I was ready to let it have me.

I don’t remember much after that. I remember going upstairs to work on some shirts for a friend and that is about it. Bits and pieces of a heated conversation between my boyfriend and I. Then the blackness.

I don’t remember what happened after my world went dark, but I do remember coming too and calling my best friend to take me to the hospital. In that moment I knew I made a mistake. My heart began to race. Not from the pills, but from the thought of making a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My boyfriend tried to talk to me but I can’t recall a word he said. My mind was else where I thought of how if I were to die by my own hand that I wouldn’t go to heaven and see my babies I so desperately longed for every second of every day. I thought of my little rebellious ones and who was going to look after and fight for them if I wasn’t around. I thought of my best friends and how they would wonder why I didn’t talk to them more about the sadness in my soul. But most of all I thought of my Papa and how his heart couldn’t take another loss.

Regret set in around the same time as the nausea and foggy bits. They escorted me to a room with a guard where I waited to purge the poison I had ingested. With every heave I cried. Once again alone with my thoughts. For hours I tried to sleep but my nightmares consumed me.

I was given the option of inpatient or an outpatient program. I could do out patient if my friends agreed to sign saying they would ensure I wouldn’t hurt myself again. With the burden of my life being on my friends I knew I had to focus on getting my heart healthy. Over a month in a program called IOP and I was feeling better and ready to go back to work and be around the world again with all their harsh judgment and criticism. I had two more classes when I received a text saying I would be changing classrooms when I returned to work. Inside I was shattered. This would be the second time my job had decided to retaliate against me during a hard time in my life. But I just replied with excitement. Change is something people going through things can’t really handle. Those two more classes turned into another month in therapy.

Tip toeing through conversations. Every choice word well planned and thought out. I felt equipped to handle the world around me with my tool belt full of new knowledge and understanding of my emotional experiences with the stress of my job, the loss of my babies, and the broken ness of my family. “It is what it is” was my mind set returning to the real world. You can’t change people or situations…..but you can accept them and change the way you allow it to effect you. Catty remarks of “how nice of you to come back” were a great welcoming from a few. If they only could experience half the things I’ve had to maybe they would have a heart and not be so callous. But an overwhelming amount of love and support was also showered upon me from several people as well. For those people I am grateful. You never know what someone is going through so why not just be kind?

Life after a breakdown doesn’t feel like life at all. I feel as if I’m floating, just making it through everyday like a dream. I didn’t know how to quit interact with others. “What were they thinking of me?” “Do they think I’m weak?” So many thoughts creeping through my mind.

During these challenging times I’ve learned that I need to ask for help when I need it. My job is just that, a job. It’s not my whole life. If I need to take a day, a week, a month off to gain mental clarity then I need to do just that. Some people are cruel and I just avoid those people. Not everyone is going to understand what you are going through, but some are willing to try. I still look through my therapy notebook on trying days. I’m not fine, but I’m getting better. Stress management is definitely something I am working on. After the loss of my babies I was told often how strong I was. I didn’t feel very strong. I felt weak and bruised. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I urge you to hug your “strong friends”, Show people who seem distant a little more compassion then usual. You never really know what anyone is going through in life. The people with the biggest smiles and deepest laughs can be the ones hiding the most pain in their hearts.

Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

One day at a time

These four walls have never been the same since the day I found out about your existence. This white room, this porcelain tub…. none of it feels the same since that day. This was the room I first saw those two blue lines and this was the room I ran to after I knew I had lost you.

As I soak in the same tub I contracted in I feel so much pain. My heart aches and longs to just know any sense of who you would have been. You would be over a year by now. You would have a new baby sibling and the miscarriage would have never had the chance to happen. I feel guilty when I think of you. My heart broke just the same with the 2nd ectopic and the miscarriage, but for some reason my mind always wanders back to you. My first. My sweet Elowyn.

I thought I knew what love was before you. I thought I had felt a broken heart. But nothing compares to the love I have for you. The moment I knew of you I wanted nothing more but to protect my womb because I knew that was your place of survival. The soul shattering realization that the same body and person that was supposed to protect you is the same reason you aren’t here today. I’ve waited a long time for this pain to lessen. I remember people saying that it wouldn’t hurt so bad after awhile but there are moments when I feel a tinge in my stomach, the same fluttering feeling I would feel when I thought you were thriving inside of me, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. I’m brought right back into that moment in the hospital when I had to chose between your life and mine. Ive been working hard on myself even though the doctors said that there was nothing I could have done differently it’s hard not to blame myself. I could have been skinnier, I could have done more yoga do eliminate stress, I could have taken more supplements. All these things creep in and I begin to blame myself. I want so badly to try again.

Being a mom and holding my baby is something I want more than the air I breathe, but the joy of pregnancy has been damaged and smudged with chemo shots and multiple hospital visits. Three pregnancies with three angels in heaven has made the thought and idea of pregnancy so traumatic I can’t even fathom what it would be like to bring my sweet angel to term when the time comes. In the months to follow I hope you stay close to me every step of the way. Trying to conceive is hard enough on its own without all the stress of making it past my dreaded 5 week marker. I know that you will be with me helping me through any negative pregnancy test or any slightest twinge I might experience when I do get pregnant again. My sweet first love. I wish you were here with me. Just know that I think and dream of you often.

Sincerely

Your mommy

Keeping On

The taste of last nights antics still lingering on my tongue when I woke this morning. The memories and darkness come creeping in. My soul longing for my next drag and drink. Anything to keep the sadness at bay. Overwhelmed and overloaded. Filling my life with anything to distract me from the fact that my heart is in a dismay.

Weekdays full of work, school, working out. Any down time results in clouds and rain. Get up and go for round 2. Keep on keeping on meaning keep busy so you don’t lose sanity.

To speak my pain into words would mean that it was real and it happened. I won’t allow it. I can’t let this break me. Not again, I tell myself. There’s a dark cloud hanging over my heart.

When the tears begin to fall I know it’s time for another diversion. Anything to create some confusion within myself to make me forget and be filled with something to hide me from my own pain. Illusion after illusion. I jut really miss you.

My mother has decided I have a drinking problem. I’ve decided I have a remedy for an excessive amount of bullshit and pain being dumped on me at any given moment. Enduring pain that would bring grown men to their knees. 3 pregnancies lost in less than two years. A family in disarray. And a love for a father who’s trapped in OZ.

The same thing that can save me is the one thing I’m afraid will kill me. Wants, needs, and desperation. Refusing to open up the slightest afraid that no one will understand. “Cheer up” “You okay?” Stifled with a witty remark.

Attempting to save myself from myself. This was easy the first time around. A false and inaccurate use of the word, but easier compared to now. With every day I got a little bit stronger. I relish for that feeling again. Jealous of the person I was before. Proud for mustering up to courage to push on.

“How do people help you through it when you shut them out?” How hard is it to make yourself vulnerable just to be unheard and misunderstood. Mistakes you can’t allow yourself to make. So you long for the next interference in your heartache.

The weekends creep in and you pray someone calls to fill the next two days with amusement and engross your time until the busy week approaches once again. The two days others long for are the days you despise the most.

Monday comes and your hands are idle no longer.

Keep

On

Keeping

On………….

The Butterfly 

The Butterfly 


I look for signs in every part of my day. A beautiful humming bird is usually my Nana, a sweet dotted ladybug is your oldest sister Elowyn, those magical dragonflies are our sweet Jane, and yesterday when that butterfly entered our classroom…. I knew it was you. I wished and I prayed for you for a very long time. The short week I knew of you I loved you more than words could express. Pregnancy is a really interesting experience. You create this little miracle that you haven’t met yet, but you love it like your whole world depends on it and it alone. You want to protect it from anything that might cause it harm. Including yourself.
This time I was very proactive. I immediately contacted my doctor and began the pokes and the probes. With every prick of the needle I feared if this were the day I would hear that horrific word “ectopic”. I looked for every sign and symptom like the last. But nothing, until the bleeding came. I knew in that moment I had lost you. Shortly after I got the call from the doctor saying she was sorry, but my levels were fading and you were gone. I excused myself to the restroom and cried. “How could this be happening again?” ,I thought to myself, “How can God be so cruel?” I tried my best to compose myself deciding to stay and finish the rest of the day at work so I didn’t have to be at home alone. I went back to the class and began working trying to keep the tears at bay. And then there you were, a beautiful light green butterfly fluttering around our classroom. Looking for a quick way out as soon as you entered. How metaphorical to our situation. Just as quick as we said hello it was already time to say goodbye. I knew I had to be the one to set you free. I approached you and you did not fly away, i sent you all the love I had in my heart and I let you go. 
At the beginning of finding out I was pregnant with you my biggest fear was ectopic pregnancy again. I knew that this time I wouldn’t have the heart to be the one to end your fate. My soul wouldn’t allow it. My biggest regret till this day that eats at me every moment of every day is choosing my life over Elowyn and Janes. The soul person put here to protect them was the one who took them from this world. I knew it would kill me to do it again so I would have to risk it all with you. That’s the conundrum of this whole thing. Yes I am very sad and hear broken that I will not have you in my arms, but I’m relieved that I did everything in my power to protect you this time. You are not leaving at the hands of me.
So I will be seeing you my sweet girl. In every passing butterfly. Sending you love and hugs with every prayer at night. You were wanted and wished for. Created with love beyond this worlds ability to express. You were just to good for this Earth and God knew it. I’ll dream of you until we see each other in heaven.
Love you my little butterfly

Kindness is so gangster…..

Kindness is so gangster…..

The world can be a scary place to live. Especially when you’re in jr high school. In school I got bullied a lot. I was the quirky kid. I had “friends”, but they always picked on me for being weird. Weird to them wasn’t that I played with Yugioh cards or acted out Pokémon in the field like the rest of the kids they labeled “weird”. My weirdness was the fact that I was nice. They would tease me trying to get me to react in a volatile way. Always uping it a notch further. The last straw was when my mom bought me this cheerleading outfit from Limited Too. I was so excited to wear it the following Monday because it was sports theme for spirit week. My mom was hesitant about letting me wear it to school because she didn’t want me to ruin it. After hours of heavy persuading I finally convinced her I would take good care of it. That Monday I strutted into school feeling so cool. I couldn’t wait for my friends to see me. I told one of my friends about my moms fear of it getting messed up and she laughed. During lunch we are on the bleachers, there was a lot of whispering and more side conversations then usual. I started to notice that I wasn’t apart of them. I packed up my stuff and began to walk off the bleachers when one of the girls behind me called my name. As I turned around another girl behind me poured a cup of juice over my head. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry. I kept asking “why did you do that?” “Did you do it on purpose?” as I sobbed. No one answered, they just laughed. One of the girls began to call me names, “you’re so stupid”, she said. I felt the anger start to build. Without thinking I punched her in the face. She fell off the bleachers. I had never felt so horrible in my whole life. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to kill my kindness and I let them win. 
That weekend was my grandparents weekend to have me so I went over to visit. My Nana had heard how I was suspended and wanted to talk about what happened. I told her how the girls called me names and said I was too nice. That I was weird because I didn’t stick up for myself. I explained how I felt after they poured the juice on me and how cruel they were for laughing and calling me names after. I told her they had it coming. My Nana had never looked so disappointed. She said,” there will be times in your life when you get knocked down and you want to knock someone down with you, but don’t. You are a Cupples, your stronger then that” I knew that what I had done was wrong, but it felt good to make her pay for calling me names. “Don’t let the world change who you are. Only me, your papa, and you know who you really are and I love the Rissy you are. Don’t let it weaken you. Don’t let this world change that.” Since that talk with my Nana I have always tried to stay true to me. Never let the world or things that happen change who I am.
Struggling with trying to conceive a child and have it implant in the right location as changed me. It’s weakened me. I have been at rock bottom for a long time because of this. I find myself in this constant struggle of “fake it till you make it”. This whole ordeal has made me into a different person. At first I was trying to be so nice to people because I started to realize you never know what others might be going through so treat them with kindness. When I realized that was turning me into a doormat I began treating people the same way they treated me. Like total and utter shit. Ignoring them how they did me, giving them shit the same way they would, being very petty, lowering myself to their level. One day I took a hard look in the mirror and started to cry. I let the world change me. Every experience I tried to block and and keep strong I let in and make me into a person I am not. 
If I’ve said it once in these blogs I’ve said it a million times, “rock bottom became the very foundation I rebuilt myself on”. I’m not perfect, I’m learning everyday just like the rest of you. This spiritual journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a journey. But I try not to give up. I roll with the bunches…… sometimes I’m just rolling for longer then I expected. Things that shifted me before aren’t shifting me in this present time so I will have to keep tinkering with things till I find what works for me to have my spiritual enlightenment again. It’s a process and a journey, but I’m grateful for the people along for the ride. I kinda forgot how gangster it is to be kind to everyone know matter what.
Sincerely 

Me

Learning to Forgive

As my eyes stared pleading into his, willing him to remember the me he used to love, a tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t spoke to my Papa for the past two and a half years, except for the awkward hug at my uncles funeral. My Papa started drinking after my Nana died and the bottle of Brandy caused his health to decline. My mother took advantage of the fact that he was having memory lapses and moved in. The same person who spent most of her life feuding with him, attempting to turn me against him was now living under his roof. Within a couple of months she managed to push away everyone who truly loved him. My Uncle, who lived with my grandparents most of my life, was issued a restraining order and kicked out with nothing left to his name under false allegations. I attended the court hearings and after five grueling attempts to explain the situation to the judge I had to walk away from the drama. My depression kicked in and I fell apart. I stopped showing up to work, I gained weight from eating my feelings, and I started to rethink my whole life along with the memories. “How could he do this?”, I would say to myself as I sobbed in the shower, “How could he disown everyone who has ever truly loved him?” Every memory I have is filled with this man who has turned his back on me. For months I received calls and Facebook messages from my mother tearing me down and beating me up emotionally till I felt like I had no fight left. I finally blocked her on Facebook and ignored every call. I began to rebuild my shattered life and start the healing process.

When I entered the hospital room and saw my Papa laying there with that pale look on his face I felt my knees tremble. I hate seeing him like that, so defeated by the world around him and his life choices catching up to him. I looked my mother in the eyes and felt the rage start to swell up inside me. I hated her for him looking like this. I blamed her! I started to say something that would be like gas to a fire and something stopped me.”I intend to forgive my mother and I intend to let go of any anger or negative feelings I might harbor against her,” my inner self said. I took some deep breathes and repeated that several times. I felt like a lost a brick. I felt lighter.

Learning to forgive is a huge part of my spiritual journey. You cant move on and grow as a person if you continue to hold onto the past. I have done a pretty good job at forgiving most of the people in my life that have wronged me, but with my mother I knew it would be tough. Being confronted with her in the room with my grandfather made it a little easier. I didn’t want him to sense my negative energy that I felt towards her and I knew in that moment that I had to let it go. Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they talk about someone they have negative feelings towards? Its scary isn’t it. so much hate and hostility. I’m tired of being that person. The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. So when you attempt to forgive someone keep that in mind. I can say I truly do forgive her, she is my mother. She gave me life and for that I love her. Continuing to say to myself , ” I intend to forgive my mother,” is a great way of continuing to manifest that feeling of forgiveness. I owe myself that ability and power to forgive. Think about what an amazing power that is, forgiving someone takes away their ability to cause you anymore negative emotions. Blame and resentment can take over your whole life if you let them. Allow yourself to forgive at least two people this week and comment below an let me know how it made you feel. truly forgive them, let it all go. It is such an amazing release.

Sincerely Me

Lets get lost……..

“Don’t you ever doubt just believe”

Ivory Tribes

Those simple little words reached my soul in such a way that it felt like I was on the outside of my body pulling my own soul out and bringing it back to life. I’ve been so numb to things and the world around me. Not being able to fully experience your experiences is grisly. But on September 18, 2015 I felt alive again!Screenshot_2015-09-19-12-58-07-1

Dreading the whole idea of going to a concert where I would be standing for 4 hours straight listening to music I barely know to see one band I enjoy just didn’t seem delightful; however my boyfriend really wanted to go so I agreed. Waiting for the band to come one I was overwhelmed with anxiety because we were upfront and centered to the stage. Close enough that we could wrap our arms around their feet if we got the desire. A band by the name of Ivory Tribes was the first to play, an indie band from Dallas, Texas. These 5 young men will never know how deeply they energized and awakened my soul. They entered that stage and started playing and I felt a shadow lift from my eyes. It’s so weird to put into words, like what is this crazy woman saying? Music has always had a way of pulling me out of my depression, but lately I haven’t been able to connect to it enough to feel touched by it. I feel like this concert was exactly what I needed to jump start the “Let’s get lost” portion of my spiritual journey.

In order to grow as a person, to be fully changed you have to get out and experience life. Living your life in your home overly enthralled with your TV screen or your recent Facebook feed is damaging. Going to a music event, going on a hike, sitting around a table shooting the shit playing board games with your friends those are the types of experiences you need to survive spiritually. When we live our lives with a screen barrier all we see is a disillusioned distorted version of actual reality. We see what these people want us to see, not the actual factual version of what is going on in their lives. With this information that they give us we beat ourselves up over the fact that we don’t have what they have and we live to “top” their experiences. Our lives become consumed with Sandy getting a new car or Tiffany expecting her 2nd child and you’re still trying to have 1. It starts to make you despise your friends because you’re so overwhelmed with jealousy.

This year I have been trying to conceive a child. Every month that “beep beep” notification on my ovulation tracker nicely reminds me that it’s time to start baby dancing. For the next couple of days me and my partner do everything we can possible do to create life. Every 14 days after that, like clockwork, shark week arrives. I feel a lump in my throat and an oppressive pain my heart like someone won’t stop stabbing me with a screwdriver. I shut down for a couple of days and isolate myself so I don’t have to face the world and deal with the awful month ahead of me. The month is full of awkwardly laughing and shrugging off the questions of “Did it happen?” “Did you test? “Was it positive?” Nonchalantly avoiding the fact that the thing I want more than anything in this world seems so out of reach for me. The bitter jealousy sets in when I go on Facebook and see yet another post about one of my friends expecting. How could I feel this way towards someone I care about? I should be joyess for them, but all I feel is pain. I turn my anger towards my partner. Tearing down the man I love, blaming him for our lack of conception. How was this his fault? We were both doing everything that we could physically do to bring life into this world. This spiritual journey has helped me with that. You have to own up to the things that are happening in your life. Remember “you” and only you create the life you want.

In the book The Maps the author states that you should specify your intentions in order to manifest them. I had been manifesting bring life into this world which obviously wasn’t specific enough. 6 weeks ago my cat had kittens and and my boyfriend aided in her labor so my manifestation did happen, we helped her bring life into this world.  With certain things that you are praying for or trying to manifest you should make sure to specify them, example instead of saying, “I want to bring life into this world with my partner” I could have said “I intend to create life in my womb with my partner, I intend for us to have a baby together in the next couple of months, I intend for it to be a healthy pregnancy” that was very specific and conveyed exactly what I want.20150921_135541

Deleting my Facebook has really helped me get full experiences out of my life so far. I don’t feel the need to make a status every time I do something and I don’t feel obligated to try to mimic someone else’s life. I’ve set out my intentions and I am working on manifesting them on my own. In the end we have the power to have the life we want. We can’t blame anyone for the things we don’t have because we have the ability to obtain everything that the universe has to offer. You just have to believe, free your mind, and be open to how that manifestation happens.

Sincerely me

Manifesting, Meditating, and Vision boards

I’ve deleted my Facebook! I’ve noticed that Facebook helps aid me in not seeing people in person because I can just view their lives via the internet. With all that’s going on in the world it also is just a disease hate race baiting caldron. I wake up post my positive manifestations for the day and start scrolling…….negative post after negative post. If you are embarking on a spiritual journey with me I urge you to deactivate your account. Even if you just do it for a week. Look at how different your life is. Really soak it in. you have more time in your day, you start to develop better connections with people. It’s just an awesome experience. I can tell you I was so scared to delete it, just because I use it as my time filler. When I bored, when I’m hanging out with my friends, everywhere. But I feel so free now. I know it sounds so cliché but it’s true.

When you tell people you’re starting a spiritual journey the responses vary. From most of the people I’ve told are so enthralled in what I’m saying I feel like I can’t even take I breathe because I don’t want to stop talking about this thing that I’m so passionate about. “I’m creating the life I want”, I tell them proudly. I notice that others have a lot of criticism. Those are the people I try to steer clear of. I’ve always been the type of person who lets others opinions and visions of me influence what I do and how I act or feel about myself. I don’t want to allow myself to let anyone talk me out of being positive.

One of the goals I made for this week is to be more aware of the conversations I take part in. Are they constructive? Are they going to lead to something positive? Are they confrontational? I haven’t figured out a system on how to avoid those confrontational talks that are just going to lead to a fight so I just keep quiet. You don’t have to be a part of a negative encounter. It’s rude to walk away, but it’s also not productive to stay and battle. Most of the time people just want to be heard anyways so just let them talk. No harm can come from you just listening. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or that you are to blame, it just means you are taking a stand and choosing to not retort with fire igniting negative energy.

I have high hopes for this week. I want to put my manifestations out into the universe so they can come back to me. I usually make a vision board every year and hang it up on my wall in my room and there it sits until the end of the year. I don’t really pay it any attention until I see that it’s the end of the year. I go back, check it, and see if I’ve accomplished any of those things. This time around I made a vison board with a purpose. Not only am I going to hang it in my room, but I’m going to put one in my car, in the bathroom, on the mirror…just about everywhere that I can see it. I’m going to tell myself every time I see it that those things are my truths and they are in the process of happening. My vision board isn’t just my dream board…it’s my life. It’s the life I want to have and I will get that life.20150914_143816

Being positive is not always going to be easy. Some days we are going to be upset and that’s okay. It’s just how you handle the emotion that matters. My goal for the week is to notice when I’m feeling sad or frustrated with something and dissect it. Is it serious? What can I do to change it? If I can’t change it the I’m just going to accept it and work on letting it go. Why harp on the things you can’t change? I find myself getting sad about the way certain people treat me and the fact of the matter is I can’t change them. I can only change the way I let it affect me.

I hope to make it to chapter 5 of my book so I can have a better understanding of the The Map so I can apply the techniques to my journey so far I’ve learned that I need to stop blaming others. You have all the control in your life. What a concept. You have the power to create the life you want and nobody else can stop you.

I am a stressed out person! To try to combat that I’m going to go to a meditation class with my coworker every Sunday. Meditating is just a great way to clear your mind and get some clarity and peace. We can all use a little peace. They will teach us some Buddhists principals as well so that will be interesting. I’m righteously excited about this class. It’s what I’m looking forward to at the end of the week.

This week is going to be my week! Nothing is going to get me down! Manifest a good life and put those positive thoughts out into the world.

Sincerely Me

The Road Less Traveled

Slumped over my tablet trying to muster up the courage to dig deep and talk about why I’m embarking on this spiritual journey… . When you wake up one day and realize that your life is going to hell in a hand basket you try to think of every way to stop it. I was recently diagnosed with manic depression so I started seeing a therapist to try to get a grip on things. Between the visits and the numbing effects of my Latuda I thought that would jump start some type of change in myself. Coming to terms with having depression is emotionally draining all in itself. During one of my visits with the therapist she mentioned how her daughter was bipolar and went on a trip to Europe to get some clarity. Knowing my financial situation I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility for me so I started googling and found some articles on ‘Spiritual Journeys’. Changing the way you think about things that negatively affect you and trying to manifest the greatest life possible for yourself really appealed to the chaotic manic state of mind I was in. Owning up to who you are and what is going on in your mind is a really tough battle, But on this magical journey in finding myself and becoming a person I love I knew revisiting my childhood and trying to change the way I handled certain situations would be the only way for healing.

The things you go through in your life really do define who you are as a person. Thinking back on my early years I can see why I’m so fearful of being rejected and unloved. I was born in a small town in the local hospital with my mother and father being the only people from my family in the room to welcome me into the world. My grandparents were too embarrassed by the fact that I was African American to come and support my mother during labor. During my first couple of days in the world a handful of people from my family came to visit me, but only to see how “dark” I was. Now don’t let this seem like I don’t love my family because I do. They mean so much to me. I adore my older cousins on my grandmother’s side and I appreciate how supportive they have always been. After I left the hospital my grandparents finally broke down to come and see me and embraced me with open arms. They fell in love with me instantly.

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My relationship with my grandparents was more like they we’re my actual parents. They looked after me while my mom was battling her own form of depression and loved me more than I could ever put into words. Everything good that has ever happened to be I contribute to the both of them. In 2007 I lost my biggest fan to breast cancer. She was the one who understood me most and in her eyes I could do no wrong. That chapter in my life has been a grey cloud that follows me everywhere I go. Since then it seems harder and harder to push on. There are not a lot of people in my life who I know without a shadow of a doubt love me unconditionally but my Nana did.

Most of my traumatic memories began in my early years. My mother and I lived in a tiny triplex and that is where I spent my crucial years of childhood. My father moved in shortly after we got settled in. My father was not perfect man. He loved me with all that he could, but imagine how hard it is to love someone when you don’t really love yourself. My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship. I lived in this triplex until I was four and I remember most of the things that took place in that home. Think about that for a second ..what do you remember during those years? Most people can’t remember anything that early, but I can recall every bloody lip and black eye my mother encountered during that time. I don’t think at the time my father truly understood how damaging that was for me. My father wasn’t a monster, I was and have always been petrified of the dark, late at night when my mother was sleeping I would crawl out of my crib and tip toe into the room and he would let me in on his side of the bed. The craziest part of it all is I felt safe right there with my father. Even after all the things I saw him do to my mother I still felt safe beside him every night.

The things that I experienced in my younger years and how I let them affect me molded me into a person who doesn’t let the right people in and throws the good people away.

My mother, who I blame for everything I endured , changed in my teen years into a bitter, hateful, woman who resented me for reasons I won’t even try to wrap my head around. For 10 years of my life I felt so abandoned by a man who I thought was my father only for her to tell me that there was another potential canidet. My mother robbed me of getting the chance to have any meaningful connection to either of them. Not only did I feel like she didn’t want me, but I felt like both of my father’s threw me away as well. A lot of my life was feelings of not being good enough. My self-esteem was and is still extremely low.

If I were to continue on with every negative thing that took place in my life, I feel like I could type for hours, but this isn’t what this journey is all about. I want to free myself of the negativity that took place back then. I want it to define me as a strong individual that can do anything she sets her mind to. I don’t want to be this person who is just walking through life with no real purpose or sense of direction. I’m hoping that by reading some of the things that I said you can connect to me on some type of level. Everyone goes through harsh things in life, it’s how we come out of them that really matters.

I want to post every Monday my goals for the week, some of my thoughts about the week, and some positive affirmations to help me manifest the best week possible. Every Sunday I will let you know how the week went, talk about this amazing book I’m reading by Boni Lonnsburry called The Map, and give you some tips and advice on how I’m handling this spiritual journey maybe in hopes of somehow helping you with yours. I really look forward to this experience and hope that you are ready for this amazing transformation I’m going to go through.

 

Sincerely me