Changes

Changes

Index finger flexing on and off my fully lit screen. “What do I even reply to this?” I say to myself through the tears. I click in and out. Starting, erasing, and retyping my message. “Is there even a point?” My biggest insecurities being shoved down my throat by my own destructive thoughts. Im always the one who cares more, tries more, gives up last.

I respect your decision

One of the biggest lies. I didn’t respect it. I didn’t understand it. But I had to be okay with it.

In that moment I decided I would never give anyone the power to break me again. I’ve said this a million times…..but I meant it this time.I put to much into the people I care about most. In a matter of 5 months I had experienced some of the biggest heartbreaks while trying to heal from my past. “Now? Now is the time you want to walk out”, I think to myself, “This is when you decide to hurt me?” Timing is everything and at the time I thought this was the worst thing that could happen. Who Chooses to give up on someone they care about during times like these?

I could never do this to you

The same 7 words I thought to myself for each individual betrayal. “This is a permanent decision to a very temporary situation.” I spoke out loud as if I could be heard through the just sent message. This is something that I won’t be able to forgive. How could I? I know myself and as bad as I didn’t want it to be true……I knew in that moment my view of you had changed. I could never look at you the same way I once did.

After weeks of self pity and displaced anger I began to pick myself back up. There is nothing like a heartbreak to make you start your soul journey.

In 2015 after my life actually began to take flight I embarked on a spiritual journey. Derailment happened as it will and In November of 2016 I went through an Evolution course taught by Truth Irvine. It was one of the greatest things I could have done. I learned how to love myself, put me first, set boundaries, and let go of so much trauma. I felt renewed. I remember waking up on morning and thinking I had finally reached enlightenment. I forced myself to be happy every morning and I just knew that I had really understood the meaning of that insightful weekend. Do I have to say it or do you already know what’s coming next?

Yea you’re right….I was wrong. I didn’t know crap about enlightenment. Two failed pregnancies later and I was right back in the darkness that I was trying so hard to escape. I let it consume me. Drinking, partying, and all the escapades to numb the hurt that I didn’t want to address. If I push it down and don’t think about it then it’s not real. It never happened right? My idea of dealing with my shit was pretending it didn’t exist.

Years of doing this brought me to two tours in outpatient therapy due to a failed suicide attempt and on the verge of another. 5 days out of the week I was either in group, individual, or processing therapy and classes. It wasn’t until the second go around that I really understood the key ingredient I had been missing all these years. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be anxious.

It is what it is

Those key words. I can’t judge the emotions. What good is that going to do? I can’t change the people around me. I can either express myself and my feelings to the person at hand and if that doesn’t work then accept it or let them go. In the previous heartbreaks I spoke of in the beginning I chose to accept one and let the other two go. Learning that you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick is something I find myself saying daily. I’ve taught people in the past how they can treat me by what I’ve allowed them to do or them see others do. I’ve allowed people to hurt me, walk away, and then waltz right back in again. That wasn’t healthy or healing for me.

This time around I feel so well rounded. Knowing that it’s okay to not be okay is so healing in itself. Just realizing the judging of my thoughts and emotions and letting them just be that. Emotions without judgement is so peaceful in a way. I’m not saying I don’t cry or get angry because I do, but I don’t root myself in it. I’m not living there any longer. An hour or two and then I wash my hands of it till the tomorrow when I allocate time for it again.

During the past 2 months I’ve said goodbye to people I never thought I’d let go of, left my job of 8+ years, strengthened some friendships with some old friends, made some new friends, saying no more….especially to people who don’t contribute to my growth, and started school for a career in a field I wanted to join right after high school. So many changes that I never would have done before. I’m a firm believer that rock bottom can be the solid foundation you can build up from.

I am communicating how I feel in a more productive way as well. Depression, anger and frustration can be brought on by lack of communication or understanding. I’m learning to admit when I’m wrong and stand my ground when I’m not. I express my feelings and don’t allow them to be diminished.

I think there is some type of ease in knowing that things will never be perfect, but they will be okay. You will be happy as long as you allow yourself to be the main source of happiness. At the end of the day you have yourself and that has to be enough.

Sincerely me

Finding My Way Back From OZ

Finding My Way Back From OZ

A mixture of lavender and over cooked corn tortilla shells was the scent I remember from that day. I can’t remember my thoughts before, the color of my shirt, the location of where I even found the pills, but I can remember the smell that filled the air. It’s ironic isn’t it. Lavender. The calming, stress reducing, essential oil. That’s what I smelt, yet there was no ounce of calm in my body the moment my mouth touched that orange pill bottle.

Reading my text messages from earlier that day nothing seemed out of the ordinary. Complaining to my boyfriend about what a stressful day I was having at work wasn’t off kilter seeing how everyday this year had been intensely overwhelming. I ate lunch with my usual lunch group, talked our usual talks, did my normal work routine. Yet my world went black at some point.

There are a number of things I told the doctors, but nothing after the fact that I can say was the true blue reason of why. I remember taking my father to the behavioral health center after a drug induced psychosis. One of the questions was, “why are you here?” My dad explained he felt like he was trapped in OZ like Dorothy and he needed help finding his way back. There are things that happen in your life that might not hit you right there in that moment. It might be days, weeks, even years later before you finally feel what you should have felt then. But sooner or later the pain you’ve pushed down catches up to you. I finally understood what my father meant by that. I’d clicked my heels a million times, but still couldn’t escape the confines of my own personal OZ.

“What triggered your breakdown?” I was asked. It could have been a number of things, but I do recall before leaving work a coworker stopped and told me that we would be losing our health insurance. Because our job has decided that we are not and I quote “their problem”. How lovely and compassionate. Before kaiser I had medi-cal. My kaiser OB reviewed my charts from my first pregnancy and came to the conclusion that it was indeed a viable pregnancy. Yet my medi-cal doctors didn’t have the time or education to figure out what was going on with my body causing me the pain. They just decided that the pregnancy needed to be terminated. So hearing that I might have to go back to these doctors broke me. I still hadn’t really dealt with the trauma of losing my angels. I just stuffed it deep down hoping it would disappear just ask quickly as they did. Driving home my mind started spinning, calling people to get comfort and understanding, but no one really knows how to comfort you when you cant explain to them what is making you feel the way you do. I have a tendency to have every bad thing that’s ever happened to me crash down upon me when I’m stressed out. It’s like I’m going through it all a new. No words were going to make me feel better. In that moment I had never felt more isolated and alone. I was sad, extremely tired of being this sad, and I just wanted it to stop.

Depression is an evil thing to live with. Most people don’t understand it or even try to grasp how you are feeling. In a room full of people you still can feel so alone. You can’t call into work on your weakest days with the reason being you are depressed without some snarky retort. It’s not an acceptable reason in their eyes. You can’t cancel plans with friends or family because you can’t stop crying without a cure all remark of “can’t you just be happy”. As if it were that easy.

Depression had consumed my souls once again and this time I was ready to let it have me.

I don’t remember much after that. I remember going upstairs to work on some shirts for a friend and that is about it. Bits and pieces of a heated conversation between my boyfriend and I. Then the blackness.

I don’t remember what happened after my world went dark, but I do remember coming too and calling my best friend to take me to the hospital. In that moment I knew I made a mistake. My heart began to race. Not from the pills, but from the thought of making a permanent solution to a temporary problem. My boyfriend tried to talk to me but I can’t recall a word he said. My mind was else where I thought of how if I were to die by my own hand that I wouldn’t go to heaven and see my babies I so desperately longed for every second of every day. I thought of my little rebellious ones and who was going to look after and fight for them if I wasn’t around. I thought of my best friends and how they would wonder why I didn’t talk to them more about the sadness in my soul. But most of all I thought of my Papa and how his heart couldn’t take another loss.

Regret set in around the same time as the nausea and foggy bits. They escorted me to a room with a guard where I waited to purge the poison I had ingested. With every heave I cried. Once again alone with my thoughts. For hours I tried to sleep but my nightmares consumed me.

I was given the option of inpatient or an outpatient program. I could do out patient if my friends agreed to sign saying they would ensure I wouldn’t hurt myself again. With the burden of my life being on my friends I knew I had to focus on getting my heart healthy. Over a month in a program called IOP and I was feeling better and ready to go back to work and be around the world again with all their harsh judgment and criticism. I had two more classes when I received a text saying I would be changing classrooms when I returned to work. Inside I was shattered. This would be the second time my job had decided to retaliate against me during a hard time in my life. But I just replied with excitement. Change is something people going through things can’t really handle. Those two more classes turned into another month in therapy.

Tip toeing through conversations. Every choice word well planned and thought out. I felt equipped to handle the world around me with my tool belt full of new knowledge and understanding of my emotional experiences with the stress of my job, the loss of my babies, and the broken ness of my family. “It is what it is” was my mind set returning to the real world. You can’t change people or situations…..but you can accept them and change the way you allow it to effect you. Catty remarks of “how nice of you to come back” were a great welcoming from a few. If they only could experience half the things I’ve had to maybe they would have a heart and not be so callous. But an overwhelming amount of love and support was also showered upon me from several people as well. For those people I am grateful. You never know what someone is going through so why not just be kind?

Life after a breakdown doesn’t feel like life at all. I feel as if I’m floating, just making it through everyday like a dream. I didn’t know how to quit interact with others. “What were they thinking of me?” “Do they think I’m weak?” So many thoughts creeping through my mind.

During these challenging times I’ve learned that I need to ask for help when I need it. My job is just that, a job. It’s not my whole life. If I need to take a day, a week, a month off to gain mental clarity then I need to do just that. Some people are cruel and I just avoid those people. Not everyone is going to understand what you are going through, but some are willing to try. I still look through my therapy notebook on trying days. I’m not fine, but I’m getting better. Stress management is definitely something I am working on. After the loss of my babies I was told often how strong I was. I didn’t feel very strong. I felt weak and bruised. With tears in my eyes and pain in my heart I urge you to hug your “strong friends”, Show people who seem distant a little more compassion then usual. You never really know what anyone is going through in life. The people with the biggest smiles and deepest laughs can be the ones hiding the most pain in their hearts.

Surviving Through The Madness

Surviving Through The Madness

Rocking back and forth on an uncertain cliff. “Should I give up or continue the good fight?” I preach words of fighting through the darkness and just faking it until you make it, but in the end do I really believe it myself? How easy would it be to just throw my hands in the air and bow out with my dignity still intact? These are things I ask myself everyday.

Recently I was approached by a long lost friend to hear out a gifted individual who helped impact her life in a very positive way. I was a little skeptical but still wanted to give it a chance. I’m feeling broken and lost. Unable to muster up the energy to believe my own lies of happiness. I need a map through this dark hole I’ve found myself in and if this girl can help me I’m willing to give it a shot.

With a little bit of skepticism and a small amount of hope I began to ask my questions, afraid of the answers I’d get in return. The first response threw me for a loop. I was shaken to my core. I knew that things would need to change. I can’t continue on this path. But how? How do I find the light when there is so much darkness around me? I used to be able to pretend enough to actually believe it myself. It got so good at faking it that I was no longer acting, that I was actually happy. This time is different, this feels much worse.

There has been only one time in my life when I felt this low, the day that my Nana passed away. The feeling of hopelessness set it immediately. No words could fix the pain that was radiating through my soul. I wanted to die. I wanted to be with her. When people speak of a “broken heart” it’s a true statement. My heart literally felt broken. I just knew that if the doctors would give me an x-ray that it would prove I had a hole in my heart where my Nana had once been. Well it is the same now. I feel physically weak. I barely sleep, force myself to eat, forgetting things that I should easily remember. I feel lost. Like I’m in a nightmare and I can’t wake up.

As I pry myself out of bed in the mornings I whisper to myself, “you can do this” “you are strong” “you have to make it through just one more day” soon enough that one more day turns into another….and another…..and another. I allow myself ten minutes to cry and let it all out so I can continue on with my day. Thoughts of those sweet angels frequent my brain and I’m filled with intense sadness. I excuse myself to the restroom and allow myself to weep. The work day ends and I return home. I’m angry by this point. Mad at the parents who have children that they neglect. Mad at people who don’t understand my sadness. Mad at people who have the audacity to try to hurt others. I’m just angry. I don’t want to talk, to engage. I feel like I’ve paid my dues for the day.

At the beginning of my journey I set out to find the old me. To “manifest a little mess” which if you haven’t been following my blog, is my nickname since I was a child. I wanted to find the old me that had been absent for quite some time. I found her. Life was good. Really good! But somewhere along the way she vanished again. I was rereading past blogs trying to see what I did different the last time around. Trying to find some sanity through all my madness.

I’m going to rediscover my love for meditation. I remember just drifting off into my own world and returning zen and at peace. Lately the thought of it makes me irate; however, I know I need it. I need to tap back into my spiritual being. I’ve become so cynical and negative in all this. As much as I can’t even fathom the idea now I know I need to get back to the gym. Working out always makes me happy in the long run. It’s me time, but me time that I can’t just sit and cry during. My plan of action is to attempt making time for yoga in the morning before I go to work again. In some type of grand illusion to get me centered and rejuvenated for the chaos at work.

I know life is tough right now. Things are not easy. As much as I want to quit my job, give up on school, distance myself from my friends, become a recluse…… I know that isn’t going to help me through this. I need my work to distract me and keep some sort of normalcy going on. I need my friends to lift me up when my legs give out beneath me. For now I’ll continue to “fake it till I make it” in high hopes of actually making it through all this. Just bare with me. Love me a little louder, hug me a lot tighter, and be patient with me. I’m trying as hard as I can muster.