When I’m Manic……

Who are you? I ask myself as I gaze into my smudged bathroom mirror. Who will you be today? I’ve been living with manic depression for as long as I can remember. Diagnosed when I was 18. My moods have pretty much always been the same. Irrational, erratic, irritable highs with somber, suicidal, depressed lows. Medicated for about 3 years total. I prefer to manage my shit in holistic ways. I carry around healing crystals to try to combat the demons on my back. I meditate when I’m feeling overloaded. When all else fails I schedule an appointment with my psych. It’s been working fine until lately.
Having bipolar disorder isn’t something I think about often. It’s just apart of me, I’ve adjusted. It’s not until days like the days I’ve been having that I realize I have bipolar disorder. As most of you know I’ve been trying to have a baby and the journey has been extremely stressful and draining. My body is feeling broken. I feel inadequate with every failed attempt. It doesn’t help that this time last year I was pregnant with our sweet little bird Elowyn. It’s definitely taking a toll on my emotions. It’s taking more energy to actually get up and go to work every morning, crying and falling apart on the car ride there, pulling myself together before I leave my car. I’m drinking more then usual, I’ve poured myself into my writing and the gym to try to keep me busy. It’s the in between manic depression that has me leaning more towards getting back on medication. It’s hard to be happy one minute and triggered by a beautiful blue sky the next. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster of emotions with more lows then highs. 
During these times I have been relying on my friends. They have really been a great support during it all. I feel like I can tell them how I feel and the support is amazing. One of my guy friends who knows nothing about females and how we make babies even asked me how ovulation tests work. It made me feel very supported. During times like this support and positivity is much needed. 
When you are going through things like this no matter what you have be it bipolar disorder or just the everyday stress of life, I urge you to love yourself through it all. Let people know how you feel no matter how crazy you might sound. It helps to be your unfiltered self. Let them know what you need help with and how they can support you. Meditation is a very helpful thing. I notice that even five minutes before I start my day can even make a difference. Also if you need medication don’t be afraid to ask your health care provider. I’m going to increase my meditation and also I’ve ordered some healing crystals to help get me through it all. Hoping for a better month full of self care and love to help me push through the depression and mania.
Sincerely Me

Back on Track

Back on Track

Since the days of my Evo training I’ve been scared and vulnerable when entering the new world around me. For those of you who don’t know I finally took the step and attended a sort of spiritual emotionally healing training a couple weekends ago. Entering the training I wasn’t sure of what to expect. I thought it was going to be a lot of chanting and meditation; However I was wrong. This training was so life changing I wish I never had to leave. We went in as strangers and left as a family. I myself left so ready to take on the world around me with my new found tools. I felt a switch turn on inside me and I was ready to heal.

During the training we worked on anger, trama, and many other things. Things I won’t ruin for you in case you ever have the amazing opportunity to take the course, which I will say a million times over, has changed my life. From previous blogs you all know how I’ve felt hurt and betrayed by several people, I’ve also experienced a lot of loss that I felt I’d never be able to heal from. Since taking this training I can say those portions of my life I’m feeling much better about.

I see things a little differently now. I’m attempting to not get so angry and hurt by people and their actions. I tell myself I have a choice for it to affect me or not. It’s really been helping me. Before I would allow myself to be so hurt and affected by people and tge things they did or said to me. Now I just keep it out of my bubble. I’m feeling much happier and the people around me can tell that I’ve had a spiritual shift. It feels amazing to be back on track.

Some updates:

1) operation manifesting a little mess has began again so love and baby dust sent our way is much needed❤

2) I’m available again for any help you guys might need along your journey. My email is theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

3) medication free again. Since the training I’ve stopped taking my anxiety and depression medication and I’m feeling much better. I don’t recommend you do so without discussing it with your doctor or medical professional. But for me it’s the choice I’ve had to make.

4)  Still vegan and going strong. It could have a lot to do with the better state of mind I’m in as well.

In closing I want you to all know I enjoy getting your emails and hearing from you. It’s nice to be so supported and encouraged. I hope the nest for all of you along your spiritual quest.

You’re one of the good ones

“I’ll make you fear me, you know what I’m capable of! You should be afraid!” Words jabbed into my heart like a knife. This coming from the man I went to bat for a couple years ago. The look of hate and anger in his eyes showed me just how wrong I was to believe he would never put a hand on someone he loved. My Uncle knows that I am a victim of domestic violence; however this man is no longer my uncle. The cocktail of substances that he chooses to consume has taken over and he has lost who he was. My Uncle would never treat  me in such a way. He was gone and it was time to morn another loss.


This week has been a challenging one for me. My great uncle passed away after a long fight with hepatitis. It created liver cancer and he went out with his boots one. My uncle was a kind man. Such a gentle soul. He was the “Cupples” I strived to be like. Not like this monster before me spitting as he spoke in my face chest to chest. In previous blogs I wrote about going to court with my uncle and standing beside him as he told the judge he never layer a finger on my grandfather. Now I’m seeing first hand that this must have been a lie. I felt foolish in that moment. It was like the world around me got quiet as he was in my face trying to take up for a man who he weeks ago decided would be “dead to him”. I remembered how he used to be and recalled all the events and details up until this point. When did he stray? When did he become this man before me? Name calling, spewing violence during such a hard time. Something I’ve noticed is death causes people to act in such a hateful way. This day was not the time nor the place for him to get so out of control. 

I speak of forgiveness often. You must forgive people, not for them, but for yourself. What a load to carry with you. Hate and anger toward someone else for wronging you. You can choose to forgive them, not forget and allow them to do the same, but forgive them and move on with no burden or weight. But with my uncle it would be hard. I gave up so much for him because I believed him. With help of others along the years with brainwashing me against my family. Pitting me against certain people. I believed he was right and my papa must have lost his mind. My uncle could never do such a thing. But I’m sure now after these series of devastating events that I was wrong.

How do you forgive someone who has wronged you so bad? I’m not quit sure. I’m finding myself letting go of him. Lately when I’m wrong by someone so harshly It’s like my mind won’t allow me to see the wrong doing. Only to good memories. I feel as if they have passed to another side where I can no longer speak with them. And only the bad person that’s stolen their body remains. Their heart and soul is in a better place and I can speak to them as if I’m speaking to a lost loved one in heaven. I get the urge to call them during times I usually would but just like people in heaven you remember you can’t. It’s hard, but I think it’s my coping mechanism. 

Times like these make it hard for me. As most of you know I’m fighting bipolar depression everyday. I choose to do so with no medication. Is it recommended, no, but I have to do what I feel is right for myself. I’ve been having dark thoughts lately with all that is going on. But I have a great support system that keeps me going. You can’t stop the good fight. I believe I was put on this earth for a purpose. All of us were. We are divine creatures created to do good. Even when life gets rough don’t let it change who you are. My Nana used to tell me,”dont let the world turn your heart cold, you’re one of the good ones.” You’re must remember that during hard times. As much as I want to close everyone out, turn of my lights, and lock my doors I can’t. I’ve worked so hard these past years since beginning this spiritual journey to open up, branch out, and just love people with all I’ve got. If they don’t reciprocate it that’s fine, let them go. But don’t let it define your. Don’t let it turn your heart dark.

I suggest everyone blog, vlog, write, sing about their emotions. Just get it out. It’s the best medicine. If people wanted you to write highly of them, they should have behaved better.

The Due Date

Hurled over my steering wheel crying my eyes out. Tears pouring out in a heavy stream, my knuckles and wrists sore from punching my windows so hard I’m surprised they didn’t break. Heart shattered like glass. I had to keep it together, I didn’t want to come in to the house and let everyone know, once again I was losing it. Screaming at God for doing this to me. “I don’t ask you for anything! Please! Please! This one thing! Fix it! Give it back to me! I’ll do anything I pleaded!” But still you were gone.
After I lost my sweet little bird I cried for days, weeks, but after time people begin to forget. I couldn’t forget. You were mine and I was yours. We were apart of one another. Our souls meshed into one. I tried to keep myself busy so I didn’t have another episode, but after something like that I believe it’s easier said then done. A month had passed and I was finally able to go a day without crying, the dark thoughts had subsided, and I was starting to heal. When people notice you are starting to feel like you self again they try to knock you back down, keep you in your place. I had someone who I thought was my friend tell me they were going to do a nice act by finding me and gifting to me something in remberance of you. In the end it was a ploy to hurt me. I broke down again. It may seem silly to others, but anyone who has gone through a loss like that knows that every thing surrounding the tramatic situation is a trigger. Babies, the ribbon, the name, birthdays, everything. Once again I had to mend my heart and start a new. I’ve been fine for weeks now. The occasional sad thoughts, but I try to keep it positive. I don’t allow myself to feel the pain, as bad as it hurts.

“One week and two days” the email read. I opened it not really paying much attention to the sender. “You’re baby is the size of a leek! You’re due date is one week and two days….” it went one but the words got jumbled. I wanted to scream, but the boys would hear me. Instead I rolled over and let it out into my pillow, the maturity pillow I bought the same day I found out. Today it feels like I’ve lost you all over again. I keep telling myself to be strong, think positive, but every beat of my heart won’t let you go. “Does this ever get better?”,  I write to my ectopic pregnancy group hoping for some sort of comfort. Just to delete the thred. Knowing any words or reply will just numb the pain for a millisecond. I’m was just looking for a band aid.

 People tell me a God has a plan. I try with all my soul to envision this “plan”. If they only knew that I had forced myself to be around people because I was so scared of what I might do if I was alone back then. It’s hard to not be angry at God. With all the suffering from something like losing a baby causes, what could possibly be positive from all that. As time as gone on I try to just my mind clear of any negative thoughts surrounding it.

I’ve had to implement a new self help/ coping strategy when ever I feel that the day is just going to get to me. If I’m at home I’ll take a nice relaxing bath or I’ll go sit outside. Fresh air helps clear my mind. When I’m at work I’ll try to focus really hard on what I’m doing, I through myself into every activity we have going that day. Anything to keep me busy. I’ll play music to help me focus on something else. Trying to decipher what the artist might have been trying to convey at the time. If none of this helps then I’ll excuse myself to the restroom and just allow the tears to fall. I’m only human and I can only be strong for so long before I break. 7 times out of 10 the tears win. But I know that one day I’ll be able to look back on this and forget all the sadness it caused and just remember how amazing and happy I felt when I was oblivious to it all and my thoughts were just filled with you.

The Ultimatum 

As I walked out of the BART tunnel off the stairs and into the salty air, cool breeze, buildings to the heavens skylines city I felt at peace. Lately I’ve been working on getting out and just experiencing life. I have always had an irrational fear of public transportation for many reasons. I feared all the germs covering every surface of the transit, the odd, unexpected things the passengers might do or say, and if something terrible might happen along the way. But today I tried to put all that behind me and enjoy my ride. 

Every time I get out of town to a place I consider my zen place I’m always flooded by a million thoughts. Me, my fiance, and our friend were the ones Embarking on this adventure. Recently I was told if I continued a friendship with our friend or his mother that another person would no longer have a friendship with me. I hadn’t really allowed myself to dwell on it until I hit the city. Like i said It’s always when I go to find peace that my mind starts twirling and analyzing past events. Never when I sit down to really think about them. As much as I tried to block that negative conversation out of my mind I wasn’t able too.

As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I am a people pleaser. A “Yes Man” in every true meaning of the word. When someone is upset with me I analyze everything I’ve ever done to them, every conversation, every interaction to figure out what I’ve done wrong. But in this situation I just couldn’t understand what I could have possibly done. Our relationship had been rocky for awhile due to certain events that had transpired. So the conversation that occurred left me extremely confused. As an adult I would never tell another adult that in order for them to remain in my life they would have to give up someone who meant the absolute world to them. It’s cruel. I would maybe ask them to not mention them around me or bring them around me if they brought me absolute grief and despair, but never give them an ultimatum.

Have you ever been in this type of situation? Did it make you consider actually picking a side? For nights I felt torn between people and families. I couldn’t bring myself to let them go. I sat down with a friend and they explained it in perfect sense. “Never hold onto someone who puts you in that situation. If they truly wanted you in their life they would never make you pick. Those words would never leave their mouth.”

As most of you know I went through a really dark time. I lost something very precious to me. The people I was told to throw away were there for me through it all. They’ve always been a shoulder I can cry on. They’ve never used my hurt against me to make me experience even more pain. For that I’m thankful I decided to keep them in my life.

In life you are going to have people who will use you, try to knock you down, and make you feel lower then you’ve ever felt. You will have people who are selfish and will ask unreasonable things from you. It’s how you respond to it that truly matters. Do not let them change you or make them reevaluate who you are. You are a divine being. Let them go. 

Forgiveness you little thing, where have I lost you?

“She doesn’t deserve it.” “She’s just going to do the same things over and over again.” “To many people let her get away with this.” All the negative voices want to come out and play when it’s time to forgive someone. In a previous blog I wrote about the power of forgiveness. It’s not for the person who has wronged you, but rather for you and your own sanity and self healing. When you harbor a grudge, it drains you. You can’t live a happy life continuing to hate someone for the hurt they have caused you. You have to forgive in order to grow spiritually. That doesn’t mean you continue to let them cause you grief. You just handle and treat them accordingly. Continue a relationship with them if you want or let them go and move on, but forgive them none the less.

I have been hurt to a point where I have felt that things are just beyond forgiveness and repair. Then I set out on this journey and found the power of forgiveness. I allowed myself to feel the effects of forgiving someone and it changed me and the way I felt about a lot of things. You begin to feel weights lift off of you by the hundreds and thousands of pounds. It’s a feeling everyone should feel. Forgiving someone is more then just saying it, it’s feeling it and meaning every word of it. You have to really forgive them. No more bringing up the past actions and holding it against them. This is actually where you decide if you can continue a relationship with the person. If what you are Forgiving them for is to much for you to continue a relationship with them, then don’t. Yoy don’t have to feel bad about keeping toxic people out of your life.

The power of forgiveness is one of the greatest superpowers and one of the most underrated. We are divine creatures who awareness some amazing gifts. You just gotta give them a try.
Sincerely me

If you think it, so it will be

As we drove on and on past road constructions on countless amounts of detours I never thought today would be the day one of my intentions would come true. When we arrived at the cemetery I thought his only plan was to visit our sweet Nanas and pay our respects. As I knelt down to wipe the rubbish off of her tombstone, he dropped to one knee. “I had to make sure your Nana was here with you for this”, he said. I thought he was joking. Through the weeks he had been pretending to do so and I just assumed this was the same. I was filled with a million different emotions but I couldn’t help but want to look to the heavens and smile at my Nana. 
Officially engaged! If you remember back to the vision board post it was one of the big things I put on there. When you love someone you kinda just want the whole shebang to start right away.

I’m always preaching the power of manifesting the life you want. Take time this week to write out a few intentions and see the magic that can happen.

Sincerely me

Back on Track

Cleaning the kitchen and I see a beautiful purple looking vine coming from my black wire rack where I store my fruits and vegetables. As I get down closer I notice that it’s sprouted from my sweet potatoes. I began to feel the imaginary ants crawling all over my body. Tingles and feeling of total disgust and paranoia set in. I immediately feel the need to shower. No amount of soap or antibacterial sanitizer can make me feel clean enough to leave to sanctuary I have created in my bathroom. 

I have extreme anxiety that is often set off by things that should just not be. Example: sprouted potatoes, tiny wholes, the separation in my hardwood flooring, the list is endless. I am usually good at keeping the feelings away except when I am in a depressed state. My depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I have not really been able to keep the depression at bay since the pregnancy. I have good days and bad days and then there is a whole lot of days when I’m just trying to keep my shit together.

I embarked on this journey of trying to find my inner peace, my zen, my spiritual quest I like to refer to it as  I believe last summer. It was going swimmingly. I had finally found my peace of mind and was doing great. No pills, not so many days of depression, and I was finally feeling like my old self. Then I found out I was pregnant and it wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. As much as I scratch and claw my way out I just keep slipping back down. A couple nights ago I was rereading some of my old posts and noticed a key to why my journey was so successful in the beginning. My intentions!!! I wrote out some things I was trying to manifest and I read them several times a day. I was also listening to The Power of Now and a book called The Map which really kept me motivated and educated. 

After this incident I am tired. I’m tired of having to lock myself in the confines of my bathroom, sitting covered in as much soap as I could possibly lather, on my shower floor while the water trickles down my body. Hours of my day lost until the anxiety subsides. I am ready to be the person I set out to be. So my promise to you, my lovely readers is to start our lovely Manifest Mondays up again. That means a new blog every Monday. Also I will start reading my intentions again. I want to help educate you all again on the miraculous begins we are! I will continue to be real, uncensored, and up front with you all every step of the way. We all have our days. We’re human right. I will not give up on the process.

Sincerely Me

Don’t forget what you deserve 

“You’re stupid if you think this is going to make a difference.” Negative clouds have been casted over me lately. With every quick check at my labels to ensure I’m not consuming any animal products I get a look, criticism, or a chuckle. Since becoming vegan I’ve been catching a lot of heat from people around me. A fluid exchange of words have turned it bullets and daggers of differencing opinions. When did being different turn into a bad thing?

In life we all encounter people who enjoy the argument, the gossip, or just making people feel plain old shitty. I’ve equipped myself with love and light when it comes to dealing with people like this, but with me changing my lifestyle so drastically I’ve been like a toilet just waiting for the negative critics to squat down and shit. We’ve all been there. You can’t ever be good enough for everyone, sometimes you just have to own who you are and be yourself. People are going to say what they want to say, but you don’t have to tolerate it. Below are some of my ways of handling, coping, and dealing with negative clouds not producing any colorful rainbows in your life.

1) Say how you feel about what the person is saying without playing the victim role. Be matter of fact and to the point. You don’t have to play into the theatrics.

2) If you have stated to these certain people who you feel about their actions and they continue to act with disrespect, distance yourself.
Example: I was really close with a girl. Extremely good friends, somethings transpired that deeply hurt my feelings, I never received an apology. I began to set boundaries. I stopped coming around. Only when it was a must did I see her. I began to feel better because I wasn’t lowering myself and allowing someone to treat me poorly.

3) Don’t allow them to pretend like nothing happened. A lot of times when people wrong you, they will drop it and pretend everything is okay. Do not allow people to do this. You are showing them that they are able to say or do whatever they want to you and the next day things will be fine. You need people who are going to raise your vibration, people who are willing to right their wrongs.

4) On days when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the words and actions of others I meditate. A good 10 to 15 mins is all I really need, but it can vary from person to person. It just allows me to get back into the now and focus on my journey.

5) Get it out. Don’t hold back how you are feeling. If you don’t think in that moment you can justly and calmly express yourself. Tell them you are upset and would like to take a minute to regroup so you don’t say something you don’t mean.

Remember you are an extraordinary human. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. You don’t have to allow people to say things that hurt you in anyway. Big or small. 

Road To Veganism

Mangos, cucumbers, bananas! That’s all I craved during my pregnancy. For those short months I couldn’t stomach any meat or animal products. The smell was torturous! After my pregnancy had ended I attempted to introduce meat back into my diet. I enjoyed it, but the taste wasn’t the same as before. I began doing some reading and watching some documentaries. In my reading I saw that a lot of women who had lost a baby had a change in their taste buds. Some able to enjoy foods they never had before. My countless hours of reading and educating myself lead me down a rabbit whole of vegan videos and blogs. I knew that this was the life for me!

When I was younger I would gag on steak and pork chops. I loved my fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t a normal child. We had a tradition at my grandparents’ house, at night we would have “snack”. It was basically a late night desert before bed. I would always attempt to eat the same thing as my cousin, a banana split. It wasn’t until my Nana saw me only eating the banana that she started just handing me one for snack with a grin. How strange I thought to myself….how strange must she think I am for not wanting ice cream, for choosing a banana over that. I did enjoy my chicken and fish as a child and young adult. It wasn’t until I started dating my first serious boyfriend and going to dinner at his house did I start to eat meat on daily basis. I felt as if I was offending his family  by refusing the meals they had prepared for me. My body began to change from all the meat intake along with my appearance. I felt tired, my mood had decreased, and I gained weight.

I’m happy to announce I have been vegan for over a month now with no mess ups. It was easier for me then I think it would be for a normal person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so watching videos like Earthlings and Cowspiracy really put the nail in the coffin for me. I have found amazing recipes from watching Hot For Food, Lauren Toyota, and the Edgy Veg on YouTube. I don’t ever feel like I’m missing out on something.

I have noticed some great changes since becoming vegan. I have lost weight, I feel more energized, and my skin is glowing. I had been having some serious acne problems and since this lifestyle change I am noticing a huge improvement with my complexion. Also my hair is growing at a better rate. It feels stronger. I stopped taking my depression medication, I’m not recommending anyone do this without seeking a medical opinion. I have been much happier and on the days that I’m feeling weak I have developed a nice self-care routine. I haven’t had any negative compliments about this change yet.

This is just another step forward in my spiritual journey.  I love animals, the planet, and have always wanted to make a difference. It’s nice to know that by doing this I am impacting the world in a positive way. I have inspired my boyfriend to not eat meat anymore as well, even though he does enjoy his liquid cheese. He has transitioned into being a vegetarian. I’m hoping by the end of the year I can convince him to be purely plant based.

Some tips I would recommend if you decide to try a vegan or plant based diet go as follows:

1)      Start slow! Don’t just jump into in. Do some research! I slowly decreased my meat and animal product intake.

2)      Decide why! I decided I was tired of talking about how I wanted to change the world and decided to do it! On days that I feel like a mcdouble I watch a little segment of Earthlings, The way they treat the animals helps me stay grounded in this  life style change.

3)      Find what you like! I started watching videos and creating stuff in the kitchen The first couple weeks I spent a lot of money just trying to figure out what  liked and what I didn’t. I stopped being afraid of making a food item I might not like. I just started experimenting.

4)      Bargain shop! A lot of the fruits and vegetables I eat come from my friends and families gardens. It’s always nice to get something home grown and free before going grocery shopping and forking out money for something. Craigslist has a plethora of farmers just waiting for someone to volunteer to come pick their fruit for them. I found a local man who allows people to come pick his plums for free. Also just making a quick post on craigslist ii got some fruits and veggies.

5)      Freeze! If store is having a sale on something stock up on it! Freeze it and you can use it for smoothies or juices later.

6)      Don’t take on the world! Right now I am just focusing on the foods and condiments I intake. Later, after a year I will start paying closer attention to the clothes, cleaning products, and beauty products I use as well.

7)      Don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family. It’s helpful that they know that way during family events they consider you when preparing the meals. Maybe they will buy earth balance butter and almond milk and use that for the mashed potatoes instead of the animal based products.

8)      Prepare! When I know there is an event coming up I make sure to find some recipes similar to the ones that might be consumed at the event so I don’t feel so different. I make sure to bring my own food so I am set up for success.

9)      Invest in a high speed blender and a nut bag! I got a ninja blender for 200 dollars and a couple nut bags on amazing for 13 dollars. Every morning I blend my fruits and veggies and strain them in the bag. Perfect juice without having to hassle with a juicer! Also blenders are good of vegan cheese and sauces.

10)  Have fun with it! Experiment, research, and don’t take yourself so seriously. I don’t judge others on the food they have on their plates, I just focus on myself. You aren’t better than anyone just because of the foods you are now deciding to eat.

 

I’m hoping that sometime in July I will start vlogging, maybe doing recipe videos as well. I would love to really give you guys a in depth look into this crazy journey I’ve been on. This spiritual quest has had so many ups and downs, but that’s life isn’t it. Things don’t work out as perfect as you envision them, and if they did how dull and boring would that be. I am grateful for every experience I have had to endure, because without it I wouldn’t be me.