The Due Date

Hurled over my steering wheel crying my eyes out. Tears pouring out in a heavy stream, my knuckles and wrists sore from punching my windows so hard I’m surprised they didn’t break. Heart shattered like glass. I had to keep it together, I didn’t want to come in to the house and let everyone know, once again I was losing it. Screaming at God for doing this to me. “I don’t ask you for anything! Please! Please! This one thing! Fix it! Give it back to me! I’ll do anything I pleaded!” But still you were gone.
After I lost my sweet little bird I cried for days, weeks, but after time people begin to forget. I couldn’t forget. You were mine and I was yours. We were apart of one another. Our souls meshed into one. I tried to keep myself busy so I didn’t have another episode, but after something like that I believe it’s easier said then done. A month had passed and I was finally able to go a day without crying, the dark thoughts had subsided, and I was starting to heal. When people notice you are starting to feel like you self again they try to knock you back down, keep you in your place. I had someone who I thought was my friend tell me they were going to do a nice act by finding me and gifting to me something in remberance of you. In the end it was a ploy to hurt me. I broke down again. It may seem silly to others, but anyone who has gone through a loss like that knows that every thing surrounding the tramatic situation is a trigger. Babies, the ribbon, the name, birthdays, everything. Once again I had to mend my heart and start a new. I’ve been fine for weeks now. The occasional sad thoughts, but I try to keep it positive. I don’t allow myself to feel the pain, as bad as it hurts.

“One week and two days” the email read. I opened it not really paying much attention to the sender. “You’re baby is the size of a leek! You’re due date is one week and two days….” it went one but the words got jumbled. I wanted to scream, but the boys would hear me. Instead I rolled over and let it out into my pillow, the maturity pillow I bought the same day I found out. Today it feels like I’ve lost you all over again. I keep telling myself to be strong, think positive, but every beat of my heart won’t let you go. “Does this ever get better?”,  I write to my ectopic pregnancy group hoping for some sort of comfort. Just to delete the thred. Knowing any words or reply will just numb the pain for a millisecond. I’m was just looking for a band aid.

 People tell me a God has a plan. I try with all my soul to envision this “plan”. If they only knew that I had forced myself to be around people because I was so scared of what I might do if I was alone back then. It’s hard to not be angry at God. With all the suffering from something like losing a baby causes, what could possibly be positive from all that. As time as gone on I try to just my mind clear of any negative thoughts surrounding it.

I’ve had to implement a new self help/ coping strategy when ever I feel that the day is just going to get to me. If I’m at home I’ll take a nice relaxing bath or I’ll go sit outside. Fresh air helps clear my mind. When I’m at work I’ll try to focus really hard on what I’m doing, I through myself into every activity we have going that day. Anything to keep me busy. I’ll play music to help me focus on something else. Trying to decipher what the artist might have been trying to convey at the time. If none of this helps then I’ll excuse myself to the restroom and just allow the tears to fall. I’m only human and I can only be strong for so long before I break. 7 times out of 10 the tears win. But I know that one day I’ll be able to look back on this and forget all the sadness it caused and just remember how amazing and happy I felt when I was oblivious to it all and my thoughts were just filled with you.

The Ultimatum 

As I walked out of the BART tunnel off the stairs and into the salty air, cool breeze, buildings to the heavens skylines city I felt at peace. Lately I’ve been working on getting out and just experiencing life. I have always had an irrational fear of public transportation for many reasons. I feared all the germs covering every surface of the transit, the odd, unexpected things the passengers might do or say, and if something terrible might happen along the way. But today I tried to put all that behind me and enjoy my ride. 

Every time I get out of town to a place I consider my zen place I’m always flooded by a million thoughts. Me, my fiance, and our friend were the ones Embarking on this adventure. Recently I was told if I continued a friendship with our friend or his mother that another person would no longer have a friendship with me. I hadn’t really allowed myself to dwell on it until I hit the city. Like i said It’s always when I go to find peace that my mind starts twirling and analyzing past events. Never when I sit down to really think about them. As much as I tried to block that negative conversation out of my mind I wasn’t able too.

As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I am a people pleaser. A “Yes Man” in every true meaning of the word. When someone is upset with me I analyze everything I’ve ever done to them, every conversation, every interaction to figure out what I’ve done wrong. But in this situation I just couldn’t understand what I could have possibly done. Our relationship had been rocky for awhile due to certain events that had transpired. So the conversation that occurred left me extremely confused. As an adult I would never tell another adult that in order for them to remain in my life they would have to give up someone who meant the absolute world to them. It’s cruel. I would maybe ask them to not mention them around me or bring them around me if they brought me absolute grief and despair, but never give them an ultimatum.

Have you ever been in this type of situation? Did it make you consider actually picking a side? For nights I felt torn between people and families. I couldn’t bring myself to let them go. I sat down with a friend and they explained it in perfect sense. “Never hold onto someone who puts you in that situation. If they truly wanted you in their life they would never make you pick. Those words would never leave their mouth.”

As most of you know I went through a really dark time. I lost something very precious to me. The people I was told to throw away were there for me through it all. They’ve always been a shoulder I can cry on. They’ve never used my hurt against me to make me experience even more pain. For that I’m thankful I decided to keep them in my life.

In life you are going to have people who will use you, try to knock you down, and make you feel lower then you’ve ever felt. You will have people who are selfish and will ask unreasonable things from you. It’s how you respond to it that truly matters. Do not let them change you or make them reevaluate who you are. You are a divine being. Let them go. 

Forgiveness you little thing, where have I lost you?

“She doesn’t deserve it.” “She’s just going to do the same things over and over again.” “To many people let her get away with this.” All the negative voices want to come out and play when it’s time to forgive someone. In a previous blog I wrote about the power of forgiveness. It’s not for the person who has wronged you, but rather for you and your own sanity and self healing. When you harbor a grudge, it drains you. You can’t live a happy life continuing to hate someone for the hurt they have caused you. You have to forgive in order to grow spiritually. That doesn’t mean you continue to let them cause you grief. You just handle and treat them accordingly. Continue a relationship with them if you want or let them go and move on, but forgive them none the less.

I have been hurt to a point where I have felt that things are just beyond forgiveness and repair. Then I set out on this journey and found the power of forgiveness. I allowed myself to feel the effects of forgiving someone and it changed me and the way I felt about a lot of things. You begin to feel weights lift off of you by the hundreds and thousands of pounds. It’s a feeling everyone should feel. Forgiving someone is more then just saying it, it’s feeling it and meaning every word of it. You have to really forgive them. No more bringing up the past actions and holding it against them. This is actually where you decide if you can continue a relationship with the person. If what you are Forgiving them for is to much for you to continue a relationship with them, then don’t. Yoy don’t have to feel bad about keeping toxic people out of your life.

The power of forgiveness is one of the greatest superpowers and one of the most underrated. We are divine creatures who awareness some amazing gifts. You just gotta give them a try.
Sincerely me

If you think it, so it will be

As we drove on and on past road constructions on countless amounts of detours I never thought today would be the day one of my intentions would come true. When we arrived at the cemetery I thought his only plan was to visit our sweet Nanas and pay our respects. As I knelt down to wipe the rubbish off of her tombstone, he dropped to one knee. “I had to make sure your Nana was here with you for this”, he said. I thought he was joking. Through the weeks he had been pretending to do so and I just assumed this was the same. I was filled with a million different emotions but I couldn’t help but want to look to the heavens and smile at my Nana. 
Officially engaged! If you remember back to the vision board post it was one of the big things I put on there. When you love someone you kinda just want the whole shebang to start right away.

I’m always preaching the power of manifesting the life you want. Take time this week to write out a few intentions and see the magic that can happen.

Sincerely me

Back on Track

Cleaning the kitchen and I see a beautiful purple looking vine coming from my black wire rack where I store my fruits and vegetables. As I get down closer I notice that it’s sprouted from my sweet potatoes. I began to feel the imaginary ants crawling all over my body. Tingles and feeling of total disgust and paranoia set in. I immediately feel the need to shower. No amount of soap or antibacterial sanitizer can make me feel clean enough to leave to sanctuary I have created in my bathroom. 

I have extreme anxiety that is often set off by things that should just not be. Example: sprouted potatoes, tiny wholes, the separation in my hardwood flooring, the list is endless. I am usually good at keeping the feelings away except when I am in a depressed state. My depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I have not really been able to keep the depression at bay since the pregnancy. I have good days and bad days and then there is a whole lot of days when I’m just trying to keep my shit together.

I embarked on this journey of trying to find my inner peace, my zen, my spiritual quest I like to refer to it as  I believe last summer. It was going swimmingly. I had finally found my peace of mind and was doing great. No pills, not so many days of depression, and I was finally feeling like my old self. Then I found out I was pregnant and it wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. As much as I scratch and claw my way out I just keep slipping back down. A couple nights ago I was rereading some of my old posts and noticed a key to why my journey was so successful in the beginning. My intentions!!! I wrote out some things I was trying to manifest and I read them several times a day. I was also listening to The Power of Now and a book called The Map which really kept me motivated and educated. 

After this incident I am tired. I’m tired of having to lock myself in the confines of my bathroom, sitting covered in as much soap as I could possibly lather, on my shower floor while the water trickles down my body. Hours of my day lost until the anxiety subsides. I am ready to be the person I set out to be. So my promise to you, my lovely readers is to start our lovely Manifest Mondays up again. That means a new blog every Monday. Also I will start reading my intentions again. I want to help educate you all again on the miraculous begins we are! I will continue to be real, uncensored, and up front with you all every step of the way. We all have our days. We’re human right. I will not give up on the process.

Sincerely Me

Don’t forget what you deserve 

“You’re stupid if you think this is going to make a difference.” Negative clouds have been casted over me lately. With every quick check at my labels to ensure I’m not consuming any animal products I get a look, criticism, or a chuckle. Since becoming vegan I’ve been catching a lot of heat from people around me. A fluid exchange of words have turned it bullets and daggers of differencing opinions. When did being different turn into a bad thing?

In life we all encounter people who enjoy the argument, the gossip, or just making people feel plain old shitty. I’ve equipped myself with love and light when it comes to dealing with people like this, but with me changing my lifestyle so drastically I’ve been like a toilet just waiting for the negative critics to squat down and shit. We’ve all been there. You can’t ever be good enough for everyone, sometimes you just have to own who you are and be yourself. People are going to say what they want to say, but you don’t have to tolerate it. Below are some of my ways of handling, coping, and dealing with negative clouds not producing any colorful rainbows in your life.

1) Say how you feel about what the person is saying without playing the victim role. Be matter of fact and to the point. You don’t have to play into the theatrics.

2) If you have stated to these certain people who you feel about their actions and they continue to act with disrespect, distance yourself.
Example: I was really close with a girl. Extremely good friends, somethings transpired that deeply hurt my feelings, I never received an apology. I began to set boundaries. I stopped coming around. Only when it was a must did I see her. I began to feel better because I wasn’t lowering myself and allowing someone to treat me poorly.

3) Don’t allow them to pretend like nothing happened. A lot of times when people wrong you, they will drop it and pretend everything is okay. Do not allow people to do this. You are showing them that they are able to say or do whatever they want to you and the next day things will be fine. You need people who are going to raise your vibration, people who are willing to right their wrongs.

4) On days when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the words and actions of others I meditate. A good 10 to 15 mins is all I really need, but it can vary from person to person. It just allows me to get back into the now and focus on my journey.

5) Get it out. Don’t hold back how you are feeling. If you don’t think in that moment you can justly and calmly express yourself. Tell them you are upset and would like to take a minute to regroup so you don’t say something you don’t mean.

Remember you are an extraordinary human. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. You don’t have to allow people to say things that hurt you in anyway. Big or small. 

Road To Veganism

Mangos, cucumbers, bananas! That’s all I craved during my pregnancy. For those short months I couldn’t stomach any meat or animal products. The smell was torturous! After my pregnancy had ended I attempted to introduce meat back into my diet. I enjoyed it, but the taste wasn’t the same as before. I began doing some reading and watching some documentaries. In my reading I saw that a lot of women who had lost a baby had a change in their taste buds. Some able to enjoy foods they never had before. My countless hours of reading and educating myself lead me down a rabbit whole of vegan videos and blogs. I knew that this was the life for me!

When I was younger I would gag on steak and pork chops. I loved my fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t a normal child. We had a tradition at my grandparents’ house, at night we would have “snack”. It was basically a late night desert before bed. I would always attempt to eat the same thing as my cousin, a banana split. It wasn’t until my Nana saw me only eating the banana that she started just handing me one for snack with a grin. How strange I thought to myself….how strange must she think I am for not wanting ice cream, for choosing a banana over that. I did enjoy my chicken and fish as a child and young adult. It wasn’t until I started dating my first serious boyfriend and going to dinner at his house did I start to eat meat on daily basis. I felt as if I was offending his family  by refusing the meals they had prepared for me. My body began to change from all the meat intake along with my appearance. I felt tired, my mood had decreased, and I gained weight.

I’m happy to announce I have been vegan for over a month now with no mess ups. It was easier for me then I think it would be for a normal person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so watching videos like Earthlings and Cowspiracy really put the nail in the coffin for me. I have found amazing recipes from watching Hot For Food, Lauren Toyota, and the Edgy Veg on YouTube. I don’t ever feel like I’m missing out on something.

I have noticed some great changes since becoming vegan. I have lost weight, I feel more energized, and my skin is glowing. I had been having some serious acne problems and since this lifestyle change I am noticing a huge improvement with my complexion. Also my hair is growing at a better rate. It feels stronger. I stopped taking my depression medication, I’m not recommending anyone do this without seeking a medical opinion. I have been much happier and on the days that I’m feeling weak I have developed a nice self-care routine. I haven’t had any negative compliments about this change yet.

This is just another step forward in my spiritual journey.  I love animals, the planet, and have always wanted to make a difference. It’s nice to know that by doing this I am impacting the world in a positive way. I have inspired my boyfriend to not eat meat anymore as well, even though he does enjoy his liquid cheese. He has transitioned into being a vegetarian. I’m hoping by the end of the year I can convince him to be purely plant based.

Some tips I would recommend if you decide to try a vegan or plant based diet go as follows:

1)      Start slow! Don’t just jump into in. Do some research! I slowly decreased my meat and animal product intake.

2)      Decide why! I decided I was tired of talking about how I wanted to change the world and decided to do it! On days that I feel like a mcdouble I watch a little segment of Earthlings, The way they treat the animals helps me stay grounded in this  life style change.

3)      Find what you like! I started watching videos and creating stuff in the kitchen The first couple weeks I spent a lot of money just trying to figure out what  liked and what I didn’t. I stopped being afraid of making a food item I might not like. I just started experimenting.

4)      Bargain shop! A lot of the fruits and vegetables I eat come from my friends and families gardens. It’s always nice to get something home grown and free before going grocery shopping and forking out money for something. Craigslist has a plethora of farmers just waiting for someone to volunteer to come pick their fruit for them. I found a local man who allows people to come pick his plums for free. Also just making a quick post on craigslist ii got some fruits and veggies.

5)      Freeze! If store is having a sale on something stock up on it! Freeze it and you can use it for smoothies or juices later.

6)      Don’t take on the world! Right now I am just focusing on the foods and condiments I intake. Later, after a year I will start paying closer attention to the clothes, cleaning products, and beauty products I use as well.

7)      Don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family. It’s helpful that they know that way during family events they consider you when preparing the meals. Maybe they will buy earth balance butter and almond milk and use that for the mashed potatoes instead of the animal based products.

8)      Prepare! When I know there is an event coming up I make sure to find some recipes similar to the ones that might be consumed at the event so I don’t feel so different. I make sure to bring my own food so I am set up for success.

9)      Invest in a high speed blender and a nut bag! I got a ninja blender for 200 dollars and a couple nut bags on amazing for 13 dollars. Every morning I blend my fruits and veggies and strain them in the bag. Perfect juice without having to hassle with a juicer! Also blenders are good of vegan cheese and sauces.

10)  Have fun with it! Experiment, research, and don’t take yourself so seriously. I don’t judge others on the food they have on their plates, I just focus on myself. You aren’t better than anyone just because of the foods you are now deciding to eat.

 

I’m hoping that sometime in July I will start vlogging, maybe doing recipe videos as well. I would love to really give you guys a in depth look into this crazy journey I’ve been on. This spiritual quest has had so many ups and downs, but that’s life isn’t it. Things don’t work out as perfect as you envision them, and if they did how dull and boring would that be. I am grateful for every experience I have had to endure, because without it I wouldn’t be me.

You find out who your friends are

These past couple months I have relied on the support and love of my friends. I have leaned on them and used many as a crutch when I could no longer walk. Many days I felt as if my life was over and I was just navigating through a dream that I couldn’t wake from. Without many of them I don’t think I would be able to smile on most days.

When I found out I was going to be having a baby I told a handful of people I considered to be my close friends. They were supportive at the time and I felt happy to know that my baby would be entering this world so loved! It’s not until you go through something hard in life that you really find out who loves you unconditionally. When I lost the baby a lot of people I considered to be a big part of my world forgot how to be human. They stopped checking on me, never asked how I was doing, and became people I once knew. I felt alone. We all have experience heart-break from a love lost, but imagine a group of people breaking your heart all at once. I was so depressed, I found comfort in my boyfriend and depended on him to give me guidance. He expressed to me how I should not worry about those people because if I didn’t matter to them, they shouldn’t matter to me. It wasn’t until then that I started to really notice the lovely souls around me.

I have never felt so blessed during such a hard time. I have two amazing people who I have the pleasure to see Monday through Friday for a majority of my day, they have been my humor, my strength, my backbone on days that I didn’t think I would be able to make it through a work day. I am so happy to call them my friends. I have an amazing person who greats me everyday before work with a smile, even for the short walk we have to the sign in office i feel the love and compassion. I have 3 of the most amazing woman who I call my best friends. They have been there for me no matter what time it is day or night just to hear me out no matter how crazy the conversation might be. I have a gracious and kind-hearted boyfriend that has taken the brunt of my pain and stifled away his own just to help me heal. When your busy looking at all the bad in your life, you tend to miss out on a lot of the good. I was so busy worrying about the friends that I had lost I wasnt paying attention to the ones I had gained.

Before the loss of my beautiful angel I was on this magical journey of self discovering, spiritual healing, and enlightenment. I learned amazing techniques on how to channel my positive energy and really manifest something great, but with all the hurt I had been experiencing I lost sight of that. I am grateful for the support I have gotten these past couple months because without it I don’t think I would have survived. It was a lot of little things that amazing people did for me that helped me focus on the one big thing….I am alive! I have suffered from something traumatic, but I made it out alive. I have to keep living. That doesn’t mean waking up everyday and doing things the same way I did them before, it means loving each day and the people I get the share it with. You only get this one life, don’t waste it on people who you mean nothing to. Cherish the ones who make your energy vibrate stronger.

The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

November Challenge

Laying in my bed with a million thoughts racing through my head, I started to think to myself how easy this journey felt in the beginning. Mind you I was off work and had ample amounts of free time on my hands. Now that I’ve began my hectic work life back up I feel swamped and drained. I’ve forgotten to read my intentions this week and I feel a little guilty. One simple thing that I literally have posted everywhere and I couldn’t make time for it. Time management has always been one of my issues. I wait until the last moment for everything. For the month of November Im going to challenge myself to make time for the things that are important to me. I downloaded an app called Cozi.

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Its a planner that you can have with your family and friends. You add a event and whoever you have in your circle can view it. Im going to schedule reminders throughout the day to read my intentions. What better way to manifest a good life then by reading them out loud multiple times a day. Also Im challenging myself to make it to meditation class at least 2 times this month. I usually meditate at home or in my car before work, but if like to take this class my friend keeps raving about. I notice a big difference in my attitude the days I don’t meditate. I need to allow myself time throughout this month to do these things because they are extremely beneficial. I find myself sinking back into depression lately and I start to 2nd guess this process. Was it just the mania talking in the beginning? I can’t allow these thoughts to take hold and cloud my judgment. I need to remain positive. Focused on the things I can change and not fret to much on the things I can’t.

I’ve been feeling alone since I started making positive changes. I’ve noticed old friends not wanting to be around me and it started to make me feel like this journey was the cause. Talking to one of my closet and most dearest friends about how I was feeling really put things into perspective. As we mature we change, we grow. We don’t all stay the same. In the past couple of weeks I’ve been really trying to change my outlook on life. I’ve been focusing more on making thibgs positive. Some people don’t luke to see you doing well, they don’t enjoy seeing yoy happy. Those people are not your friends. Friends want to grow together. She told me the people that are discluding you from things and discouraging you from continuing on on this journey are still in the same place they were in when you first met. They don’t allow themselves to grow and don’t want to see you blossom. Its a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but I think she’s right. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Cherish the time you had with them and let them go. Maybe they will be back for another when the time is right.

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November is full of endless possibilities. New friends, new routines, and loads of time for all of it. Im looking forward to all the positive energy and vibes that November holds for me. Another year older and I’m only getting wiser with my age. This journey has been exactly what I needed.

Sincerely Me