One day at a time

These four walls have never been the same since the day I found out about your existence. This white room, this porcelain tub…. none of it feels the same since that day. This was the room I first saw those two blue lines and this was the room I ran to after I knew I had lost you.

As I soak in the same tub I contracted in I feel so much pain. My heart aches and longs to just know any sense of who you would have been. You would be over a year by now. You would have a new baby sibling and the miscarriage would have never had the chance to happen. I feel guilty when I think of you. My heart broke just the same with the 2nd ectopic and the miscarriage, but for some reason my mind always wanders back to you. My first. My sweet Elowyn.

I thought I knew what love was before you. I thought I had felt a broken heart. But nothing compares to the love I have for you. The moment I knew of you I wanted nothing more but to protect my womb because I knew that was your place of survival. The soul shattering realization that the same body and person that was supposed to protect you is the same reason you aren’t here today. I’ve waited a long time for this pain to lessen. I remember people saying that it wouldn’t hurt so bad after awhile but there are moments when I feel a tinge in my stomach, the same fluttering feeling I would feel when I thought you were thriving inside of me, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. I’m brought right back into that moment in the hospital when I had to chose between your life and mine. Ive been working hard on myself even though the doctors said that there was nothing I could have done differently it’s hard not to blame myself. I could have been skinnier, I could have done more yoga do eliminate stress, I could have taken more supplements. All these things creep in and I begin to blame myself. I want so badly to try again.

Being a mom and holding my baby is something I want more than the air I breathe, but the joy of pregnancy has been damaged and smudged with chemo shots and multiple hospital visits. Three pregnancies with three angels in heaven has made the thought and idea of pregnancy so traumatic I can’t even fathom what it would be like to bring my sweet angel to term when the time comes. In the months to follow I hope you stay close to me every step of the way. Trying to conceive is hard enough on its own without all the stress of making it past my dreaded 5 week marker. I know that you will be with me helping me through any negative pregnancy test or any slightest twinge I might experience when I do get pregnant again. My sweet first love. I wish you were here with me. Just know that I think and dream of you often.

Sincerely

Your mommy

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Fading Blue Lines

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February 3, 2016 was the happiest day of my life. As me and your daddy drove to get a new board game he had been wanting for sometime, my thoughts were focused on you. With his hand on my stomach and both our brains wrapped around the beautiful future we would have with you I couldn’t help but worry. The spotting had begun that morning but all my research said it was normal. I tried to manifest the best life with you such an healthy and amazing pregnancy I kept saying inside my head. That day was the happiest day of my life and every day since I knew you existed.

It was January 28th. I woke up feeling different. Fluttered feelings were growing inside my tummy. We had been trying to conceive but the tests I took four days earlier were big fat negatives. My period came, or so I thought so I believed I missed out this month. When my period ended 3 days early I thought maybe I should test again. So while I rushed to get ready for work I took a test and left out the door. I assumed it would be the same one blue line I had been seeing so I didn’t stay to see the heartbreaking results. I went about my day as normal. When I got home I still didn’t think to check the test. Your daddy came home and we began doing some yard work.  at 6:08 pm on January 28th I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and remembered “oh the test!” I looked in the window sill where I had set it and saw two blue lines!  I had this whole precious way of announcing it to your father but I couldn’t control myself. I ran into the backyard and yelled over the hum of the lawnmower, “I’m pregnant.” I was gripping that test with all my might. I don’t think he believed me because he just smiled and kept about his business. I ran over to him and showed him. Your father is a funny guy. He said something snarky and I told him I would test again. I took 3 more that night and all positive. My heart began to sing.
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That night we told your Uncle Doug and David. You are so loved. When we went to sleep I slept with my hand touching my stomach so softly and imagining our beautiful future. The next couple days were full of talks about you and how we would announce it to everyone. I told your adopted grandmother and one of my good friends. They were both so happy for me. Every time I saw them they smiled. The handful of people I told were happy for me. They knew how long I waited for you. Everyday just kept getting better and better.

On Thursday the bleeding increased. I began to cramp. I tried to get through work but 2 o clock came and I couldn’t stand it. I turned to my friend Hannah amd told her what was happening. She told me to go. The drive to the ER I didn’t think I would be told that I would never get to see your beautiful face. I tried to keep my thoughts positive as they oked and dug in my veins trying to find a way to fill the veil. The pain I went through those 5 hours was worth it because I thought I’d be receiving good news. The emergency room was full of of people,  but I felt alone like it was just me and you. I held my tummy and tried to show you all the love I could. Waiting for the results of my levels felt like I was waiting on a death sentence.
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On Thursday February 4th,  2016 was one of the worst days of my life. I went home and cried most of the night. A rollercoaster of hope and grief filled my heart. I held on to the thought of you waiting for my level retest on Saturday to confirm the fact that I would be childless.

I never got to hear your heartbeat, never got to see if you would have my eyes, but I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this whole world. I leaned on the support of your aunts Channa and Caitlyn, they helped me see that you were just to beautiful for this world. Your Aunt Marisa said it best, you are not alone. You will be held so tight by your great Nana and your two cousins in heaven. They will show you all the love we wish we could have showed you here on earth. You were only known for a short while but I will love you every second I’m alive. God were you loved down here. I will send you love, kisses, and hugs everyday. I was pregnant for a handful of days that i knew of and they were the most magical, emotional, days I’ve ever experienced. I will hold my stomach as I talk to you and imagine phantom kicks. You’re our angel. I love you my sweet precious baby. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, you made me a mommy.