Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

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The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

The Idea Of Minimalism

Shuffling around my tornado whirl wind destruction of a house squeezing past multiple vacuums and lonely shoes I decided I needed to purge! In the last I blog I mentioned how sometimes you feel the need to buy things to impress the people around you, well I am guilty of that a million times over.

I have a three bedroom house with every room furnished to the max. I spent the past five years rebuilding my shattered life from a previous breakup. I lost a lot along the way and I felt the need to fill the void with “things”; Vases, wall art, candles, clothes, shoes, and more than enough coffee tables. I like how buying stuff makes me feel. Its my stuff, nobody can take it away from me. When I get paid I go and buy more things. Sometimes they serve a purpose, other times they just sit on the top, out of reach shelf of my closet.

In August I got hurt at work and have been taken off ever since. These past months I’ve watched my beautiful home turn into a place I dread waking up to. The piles of laundry I cant lift or fold has taken over my laundry room. ” I despise these things,” I say to myself. My hand injury has left me wanting a empty home that I can actually maintain.

One of my friends had posted a picture on instagram a bit ago about purging 80% of her belongings. I began doing some reading. Minimalism to me Is about not having so many things that you are emotionally attached to. Giving items that emotional connection gives them power over you . They control you. I’ve been playing around with the idea of moving to Seattle, but cant fathom the idea of transporting all of my belongings. I started feeling like my dream is out of reach because of all my worldly belongings. My items hold me back from so much. I have anxiety when It comes to allowing my friends over because my home isn’t as organized as I would like. I have started to feel overwhelmed with all the things I own.

I decided to look more into becoming a minimalist. thinking maybe this is just another part of my spiritual journey. I’ve watched video after video, pulling tips and advice from each one. I’m going to start this process by going from room to room with three boxes, each box for a different category. I will either trash, keep, or donate my items. Some minimalist put a set number to the amount of things they can posses, but this is to intense for myself. I will merely just try to remove the clutter that clouds my life. I have clothes that I haven’t worn for years…my prom dress from high school, a old sweater from when I was 5. I found a pin awhile ago about turning your hangers the reverse way and getting rid of the items that don’t  leave the hanger or that don’t get turned the right way. I’m going to do this . Something else I saw that I liked was donation Sundays, every Sunday a man on one of the videos I watched takes five of his items to the Goodwill. I plan on doing the same.

I really adore the idea of being a minimalist. The idea of being more organized really excites me.

At the end of every month I want to give a update on how everything is going with my journey. I want to elaborate on how my vision board is working, how my manifestations are working, the meditation, how I’m doing with deactivating my Facebook, and now my minimalistic life style. I want to let you guys know how I’m feeling. I would like to inspire you to embark on a spiritual journey of your own. It is the best decision I’ve ever made for myself. I feel free again.

Sincerely Me