Changes

Changes

Index finger flexing on and off my fully lit screen. “What do I even reply to this?” I say to myself through the tears. I click in and out. Starting, erasing, and retyping my message. “Is there even a point?” My biggest insecurities being shoved down my throat by my own destructive thoughts. Im always the one who cares more, tries more, gives up last.

I respect your decision

One of the biggest lies. I didn’t respect it. I didn’t understand it. But I had to be okay with it.

In that moment I decided I would never give anyone the power to break me again. I’ve said this a million times…..but I meant it this time.I put to much into the people I care about most. In a matter of 5 months I had experienced some of the biggest heartbreaks while trying to heal from my past. “Now? Now is the time you want to walk out”, I think to myself, “This is when you decide to hurt me?” Timing is everything and at the time I thought this was the worst thing that could happen. Who Chooses to give up on someone they care about during times like these?

I could never do this to you

The same 7 words I thought to myself for each individual betrayal. “This is a permanent decision to a very temporary situation.” I spoke out loud as if I could be heard through the just sent message. This is something that I won’t be able to forgive. How could I? I know myself and as bad as I didn’t want it to be true……I knew in that moment my view of you had changed. I could never look at you the same way I once did.

After weeks of self pity and displaced anger I began to pick myself back up. There is nothing like a heartbreak to make you start your soul journey.

In 2015 after my life actually began to take flight I embarked on a spiritual journey. Derailment happened as it will and In November of 2016 I went through an Evolution course taught by Truth Irvine. It was one of the greatest things I could have done. I learned how to love myself, put me first, set boundaries, and let go of so much trauma. I felt renewed. I remember waking up on morning and thinking I had finally reached enlightenment. I forced myself to be happy every morning and I just knew that I had really understood the meaning of that insightful weekend. Do I have to say it or do you already know what’s coming next?

Yea you’re right….I was wrong. I didn’t know crap about enlightenment. Two failed pregnancies later and I was right back in the darkness that I was trying so hard to escape. I let it consume me. Drinking, partying, and all the escapades to numb the hurt that I didn’t want to address. If I push it down and don’t think about it then it’s not real. It never happened right? My idea of dealing with my shit was pretending it didn’t exist.

Years of doing this brought me to two tours in outpatient therapy due to a failed suicide attempt and on the verge of another. 5 days out of the week I was either in group, individual, or processing therapy and classes. It wasn’t until the second go around that I really understood the key ingredient I had been missing all these years. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to be angry, it’s okay to be anxious.

It is what it is

Those key words. I can’t judge the emotions. What good is that going to do? I can’t change the people around me. I can either express myself and my feelings to the person at hand and if that doesn’t work then accept it or let them go. In the previous heartbreaks I spoke of in the beginning I chose to accept one and let the other two go. Learning that you can’t heal in the same environment that made you sick is something I find myself saying daily. I’ve taught people in the past how they can treat me by what I’ve allowed them to do or them see others do. I’ve allowed people to hurt me, walk away, and then waltz right back in again. That wasn’t healthy or healing for me.

This time around I feel so well rounded. Knowing that it’s okay to not be okay is so healing in itself. Just realizing the judging of my thoughts and emotions and letting them just be that. Emotions without judgement is so peaceful in a way. I’m not saying I don’t cry or get angry because I do, but I don’t root myself in it. I’m not living there any longer. An hour or two and then I wash my hands of it till the tomorrow when I allocate time for it again.

During the past 2 months I’ve said goodbye to people I never thought I’d let go of, left my job of 8+ years, strengthened some friendships with some old friends, made some new friends, saying no more….especially to people who don’t contribute to my growth, and started school for a career in a field I wanted to join right after high school. So many changes that I never would have done before. I’m a firm believer that rock bottom can be the solid foundation you can build up from.

I am communicating how I feel in a more productive way as well. Depression, anger and frustration can be brought on by lack of communication or understanding. I’m learning to admit when I’m wrong and stand my ground when I’m not. I express my feelings and don’t allow them to be diminished.

I think there is some type of ease in knowing that things will never be perfect, but they will be okay. You will be happy as long as you allow yourself to be the main source of happiness. At the end of the day you have yourself and that has to be enough.

Sincerely me

Spirit Animals

Keeping an eye up at the butterfly that continues to follow me as I walk to my alley, I think to myself how there always seems to be one gravitating to me. I lose focus for a moment as I dump my trash and make my way back to my deck. Its a gloomy day, I feel as if you shouldn’t see such a beautiful creature on such a grey day. But I do appreciate its beauty. Growing up I always noticed how butterflies always appeared during the most needed times for me. When I would feel lonely as I child one would follow me as I walked alone to school, on the way to sixth grade camp one kept up with the bus as we drove away, the night my Nana died one fluttered by the car window, and the day of her funeral I saw so many I couldn’t keep track. I know many of you will take this as a coincidence, but I always knew it had a special meaning for me. I just didn’t know what.

On this journey I have read articles, blogs, books, you name it on the wonders of the metaphysical life. One article that I found interesting was Spirit Animals. It was created by a spiritual coach. The article had a short quiz and you answered it and it would tell you your spirit animal. Before I began i said to myself wouldn’t it be interesting if I got butterflies….. Or even owls. My Nana had the same pull to owls that I had to butterflies so I’ve been drawn to them. Sure enough I got Butterflies, as I continued to scroll it said my secondary was The Owl. How it determined this by the questions asked I don’t know but it knew. It knew me.

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I have a strong connection with insects. When it rains and all the caterpillars and worms flood the sidewalks I move them to safety. Im know for saving the bugs. If I see a slug or a snail on the concrete I move it out of harm’s way. I never enjoyed pouring salt and watching them bubble like my cousins. I cried. It broke my heart to watch them suffer like that. I believe my spirit is drawn to them for that reason.

I have a longing to feel free and to be one with creatures and the bird spirit animal is just that. I also have the ability to be objective and that’s where the insect spirit animal comes in. Spirit animals are there to help guide you along on your path. They offer you guidance. There are different types of spirit guides, but I believe mine are life guides. They are always with me showing me which way to go. They are a reflection of who I am. The butterfly helps me go through changes with grace and lightness. I have endured a lot of changes in my 26 years of life and this little guy has been present along the way to ease some of the trama. The owl gives me the ability to see whats hidden to most people. I am know for being able to tell the motives of a person when I first meet them. I am a very good judge of character. 8 out of 10 times with people I’m right. You can have many. Spirit animals to help you along the way, but these are the only ones I’ve noticed so far.

Be aware of your surroundings. Don’t just take that deer you see all the time as a coincidence. It could be your spirit animal trying to make itself known to you.