Do No Harm

Covering my head with the small plastic bag filled with the coffee cup I had just purchased I made my way to my car. I noticed an older looking gentleman with coke-bottle thick glasses looking in the direction of my vehicle. He had a smile on his face and his arms were crossed as he was leaning back on one leg. He looked pleased with something. As I got closer to approaching my vehicle the man stopped me. “Do no harm,” he said with a twinkle in his eye as he pointed at the crooked bumper sticker on the back of my car. He began to engage in a conversation with me about peace and wars. We talked for a couple minutes about my spiritual journey, but it seemed like a lifetime to me. It was like we were old friends catching up. He told me he would follow my blog and made his way to his car. With all the turmoil and commotion going on that day all it took was  this perceptive nice gentleman to comment on something so simple to brighten up my day. It was strange. The rain stopped as i drove away and i felt at ease. If we could all just take the time time to apply those words to our lives things would be blissful. something so simple as “Do No Harm”

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We are approaching 2016! I would like you guys to join in on my wellness journey. Its going to be full of inspirational emails every Monday to get you through the week, positive challenges, meditation goals,and just helping us become the best possible us we can be in 2016. Feel free to email me at theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com to join. Tell your friends and have them email me as well. I look forward to hearing from you. Lets inspire one another.

 

 

Learning to Forgive

As my eyes stared pleading into his, willing him to remember the me he used to love, a tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t spoke to my Papa for the past two and a half years, except for the awkward hug at my uncles funeral. My Papa started drinking after my Nana died and the bottle of Brandy caused his health to decline. My mother took advantage of the fact that he was having memory lapses and moved in. The same person who spent most of her life feuding with him, attempting to turn me against him was now living under his roof. Within a couple of months she managed to push away everyone who truly loved him. My Uncle, who lived with my grandparents most of my life, was issued a restraining order and kicked out with nothing left to his name under false allegations. I attended the court hearings and after five grueling attempts to explain the situation to the judge I had to walk away from the drama. My depression kicked in and I fell apart. I stopped showing up to work, I gained weight from eating my feelings, and I started to rethink my whole life along with the memories. “How could he do this?”, I would say to myself as I sobbed in the shower, “How could he disown everyone who has ever truly loved him?” Every memory I have is filled with this man who has turned his back on me. For months I received calls and Facebook messages from my mother tearing me down and beating me up emotionally till I felt like I had no fight left. I finally blocked her on Facebook and ignored every call. I began to rebuild my shattered life and start the healing process.

When I entered the hospital room and saw my Papa laying there with that pale look on his face I felt my knees tremble. I hate seeing him like that, so defeated by the world around him and his life choices catching up to him. I looked my mother in the eyes and felt the rage start to swell up inside me. I hated her for him looking like this. I blamed her! I started to say something that would be like gas to a fire and something stopped me.”I intend to forgive my mother and I intend to let go of any anger or negative feelings I might harbor against her,” my inner self said. I took some deep breathes and repeated that several times. I felt like a lost a brick. I felt lighter.

Learning to forgive is a huge part of my spiritual journey. You cant move on and grow as a person if you continue to hold onto the past. I have done a pretty good job at forgiving most of the people in my life that have wronged me, but with my mother I knew it would be tough. Being confronted with her in the room with my grandfather made it a little easier. I didn’t want him to sense my negative energy that I felt towards her and I knew in that moment that I had to let it go. Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they talk about someone they have negative feelings towards? Its scary isn’t it. so much hate and hostility. I’m tired of being that person. The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. So when you attempt to forgive someone keep that in mind. I can say I truly do forgive her, she is my mother. She gave me life and for that I love her. Continuing to say to myself , ” I intend to forgive my mother,” is a great way of continuing to manifest that feeling of forgiveness. I owe myself that ability and power to forgive. Think about what an amazing power that is, forgiving someone takes away their ability to cause you anymore negative emotions. Blame and resentment can take over your whole life if you let them. Allow yourself to forgive at least two people this week and comment below an let me know how it made you feel. truly forgive them, let it all go. It is such an amazing release.

Sincerely Me

Manifesting, Meditating, and Vision boards

I’ve deleted my Facebook! I’ve noticed that Facebook helps aid me in not seeing people in person because I can just view their lives via the internet. With all that’s going on in the world it also is just a disease hate race baiting caldron. I wake up post my positive manifestations for the day and start scrolling…….negative post after negative post. If you are embarking on a spiritual journey with me I urge you to deactivate your account. Even if you just do it for a week. Look at how different your life is. Really soak it in. you have more time in your day, you start to develop better connections with people. It’s just an awesome experience. I can tell you I was so scared to delete it, just because I use it as my time filler. When I bored, when I’m hanging out with my friends, everywhere. But I feel so free now. I know it sounds so cliché but it’s true.

When you tell people you’re starting a spiritual journey the responses vary. From most of the people I’ve told are so enthralled in what I’m saying I feel like I can’t even take I breathe because I don’t want to stop talking about this thing that I’m so passionate about. “I’m creating the life I want”, I tell them proudly. I notice that others have a lot of criticism. Those are the people I try to steer clear of. I’ve always been the type of person who lets others opinions and visions of me influence what I do and how I act or feel about myself. I don’t want to allow myself to let anyone talk me out of being positive.

One of the goals I made for this week is to be more aware of the conversations I take part in. Are they constructive? Are they going to lead to something positive? Are they confrontational? I haven’t figured out a system on how to avoid those confrontational talks that are just going to lead to a fight so I just keep quiet. You don’t have to be a part of a negative encounter. It’s rude to walk away, but it’s also not productive to stay and battle. Most of the time people just want to be heard anyways so just let them talk. No harm can come from you just listening. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or that you are to blame, it just means you are taking a stand and choosing to not retort with fire igniting negative energy.

I have high hopes for this week. I want to put my manifestations out into the universe so they can come back to me. I usually make a vision board every year and hang it up on my wall in my room and there it sits until the end of the year. I don’t really pay it any attention until I see that it’s the end of the year. I go back, check it, and see if I’ve accomplished any of those things. This time around I made a vison board with a purpose. Not only am I going to hang it in my room, but I’m going to put one in my car, in the bathroom, on the mirror…just about everywhere that I can see it. I’m going to tell myself every time I see it that those things are my truths and they are in the process of happening. My vision board isn’t just my dream board…it’s my life. It’s the life I want to have and I will get that life.20150914_143816

Being positive is not always going to be easy. Some days we are going to be upset and that’s okay. It’s just how you handle the emotion that matters. My goal for the week is to notice when I’m feeling sad or frustrated with something and dissect it. Is it serious? What can I do to change it? If I can’t change it the I’m just going to accept it and work on letting it go. Why harp on the things you can’t change? I find myself getting sad about the way certain people treat me and the fact of the matter is I can’t change them. I can only change the way I let it affect me.

I hope to make it to chapter 5 of my book so I can have a better understanding of the The Map so I can apply the techniques to my journey so far I’ve learned that I need to stop blaming others. You have all the control in your life. What a concept. You have the power to create the life you want and nobody else can stop you.

I am a stressed out person! To try to combat that I’m going to go to a meditation class with my coworker every Sunday. Meditating is just a great way to clear your mind and get some clarity and peace. We can all use a little peace. They will teach us some Buddhists principals as well so that will be interesting. I’m righteously excited about this class. It’s what I’m looking forward to at the end of the week.

This week is going to be my week! Nothing is going to get me down! Manifest a good life and put those positive thoughts out into the world.

Sincerely Me

The Road Less Traveled

Slumped over my tablet trying to muster up the courage to dig deep and talk about why I’m embarking on this spiritual journey… . When you wake up one day and realize that your life is going to hell in a hand basket you try to think of every way to stop it. I was recently diagnosed with manic depression so I started seeing a therapist to try to get a grip on things. Between the visits and the numbing effects of my Latuda I thought that would jump start some type of change in myself. Coming to terms with having depression is emotionally draining all in itself. During one of my visits with the therapist she mentioned how her daughter was bipolar and went on a trip to Europe to get some clarity. Knowing my financial situation I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility for me so I started googling and found some articles on ‘Spiritual Journeys’. Changing the way you think about things that negatively affect you and trying to manifest the greatest life possible for yourself really appealed to the chaotic manic state of mind I was in. Owning up to who you are and what is going on in your mind is a really tough battle, But on this magical journey in finding myself and becoming a person I love I knew revisiting my childhood and trying to change the way I handled certain situations would be the only way for healing.

The things you go through in your life really do define who you are as a person. Thinking back on my early years I can see why I’m so fearful of being rejected and unloved. I was born in a small town in the local hospital with my mother and father being the only people from my family in the room to welcome me into the world. My grandparents were too embarrassed by the fact that I was African American to come and support my mother during labor. During my first couple of days in the world a handful of people from my family came to visit me, but only to see how “dark” I was. Now don’t let this seem like I don’t love my family because I do. They mean so much to me. I adore my older cousins on my grandmother’s side and I appreciate how supportive they have always been. After I left the hospital my grandparents finally broke down to come and see me and embraced me with open arms. They fell in love with me instantly.

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My relationship with my grandparents was more like they we’re my actual parents. They looked after me while my mom was battling her own form of depression and loved me more than I could ever put into words. Everything good that has ever happened to be I contribute to the both of them. In 2007 I lost my biggest fan to breast cancer. She was the one who understood me most and in her eyes I could do no wrong. That chapter in my life has been a grey cloud that follows me everywhere I go. Since then it seems harder and harder to push on. There are not a lot of people in my life who I know without a shadow of a doubt love me unconditionally but my Nana did.

Most of my traumatic memories began in my early years. My mother and I lived in a tiny triplex and that is where I spent my crucial years of childhood. My father moved in shortly after we got settled in. My father was not perfect man. He loved me with all that he could, but imagine how hard it is to love someone when you don’t really love yourself. My parents had a very dysfunctional relationship. I lived in this triplex until I was four and I remember most of the things that took place in that home. Think about that for a second ..what do you remember during those years? Most people can’t remember anything that early, but I can recall every bloody lip and black eye my mother encountered during that time. I don’t think at the time my father truly understood how damaging that was for me. My father wasn’t a monster, I was and have always been petrified of the dark, late at night when my mother was sleeping I would crawl out of my crib and tip toe into the room and he would let me in on his side of the bed. The craziest part of it all is I felt safe right there with my father. Even after all the things I saw him do to my mother I still felt safe beside him every night.

The things that I experienced in my younger years and how I let them affect me molded me into a person who doesn’t let the right people in and throws the good people away.

My mother, who I blame for everything I endured , changed in my teen years into a bitter, hateful, woman who resented me for reasons I won’t even try to wrap my head around. For 10 years of my life I felt so abandoned by a man who I thought was my father only for her to tell me that there was another potential canidet. My mother robbed me of getting the chance to have any meaningful connection to either of them. Not only did I feel like she didn’t want me, but I felt like both of my father’s threw me away as well. A lot of my life was feelings of not being good enough. My self-esteem was and is still extremely low.

If I were to continue on with every negative thing that took place in my life, I feel like I could type for hours, but this isn’t what this journey is all about. I want to free myself of the negativity that took place back then. I want it to define me as a strong individual that can do anything she sets her mind to. I don’t want to be this person who is just walking through life with no real purpose or sense of direction. I’m hoping that by reading some of the things that I said you can connect to me on some type of level. Everyone goes through harsh things in life, it’s how we come out of them that really matters.

I want to post every Monday my goals for the week, some of my thoughts about the week, and some positive affirmations to help me manifest the best week possible. Every Sunday I will let you know how the week went, talk about this amazing book I’m reading by Boni Lonnsburry called The Map, and give you some tips and advice on how I’m handling this spiritual journey maybe in hopes of somehow helping you with yours. I really look forward to this experience and hope that you are ready for this amazing transformation I’m going to go through.

 

Sincerely me