Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

Advertisements

When I’m Manic……

Who are you? I ask myself as I gaze into my smudged bathroom mirror. Who will you be today? I’ve been living with manic depression for as long as I can remember. Diagnosed when I was 18. My moods have pretty much always been the same. Irrational, erratic, irritable highs with somber, suicidal, depressed lows. Medicated for about 3 years total. I prefer to manage my shit in holistic ways. I carry around healing crystals to try to combat the demons on my back. I meditate when I’m feeling overloaded. When all else fails I schedule an appointment with my psych. It’s been working fine until lately.
Having bipolar disorder isn’t something I think about often. It’s just apart of me, I’ve adjusted. It’s not until days like the days I’ve been having that I realize I have bipolar disorder. As most of you know I’ve been trying to have a baby and the journey has been extremely stressful and draining. My body is feeling broken. I feel inadequate with every failed attempt. It doesn’t help that this time last year I was pregnant with our sweet little bird Elowyn. It’s definitely taking a toll on my emotions. It’s taking more energy to actually get up and go to work every morning, crying and falling apart on the car ride there, pulling myself together before I leave my car. I’m drinking more then usual, I’ve poured myself into my writing and the gym to try to keep me busy. It’s the in between manic depression that has me leaning more towards getting back on medication. It’s hard to be happy one minute and triggered by a beautiful blue sky the next. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster of emotions with more lows then highs. 
During these times I have been relying on my friends. They have really been a great support during it all. I feel like I can tell them how I feel and the support is amazing. One of my guy friends who knows nothing about females and how we make babies even asked me how ovulation tests work. It made me feel very supported. During times like this support and positivity is much needed. 
When you are going through things like this no matter what you have be it bipolar disorder or just the everyday stress of life, I urge you to love yourself through it all. Let people know how you feel no matter how crazy you might sound. It helps to be your unfiltered self. Let them know what you need help with and how they can support you. Meditation is a very helpful thing. I notice that even five minutes before I start my day can even make a difference. Also if you need medication don’t be afraid to ask your health care provider. I’m going to increase my meditation and also I’ve ordered some healing crystals to help get me through it all. Hoping for a better month full of self care and love to help me push through the depression and mania.
Sincerely Me

Why?

As I began writing my original blog topic for this week I had an urge to switch gears and express to you why I even blog at all. If you are an avid reader of my manifest Monday blog posts you know that I started a quest to embark upon a spiritual journey. In one of the many books I began before this journey I read that you should keep a journal along the way. In the beginning this was my journal, but it has morphed into something bigger than that for me. I try to be as real and genuine as possible for the people who take the time to read this every week. My grammar and spelling are never perfect, but to me that’s okay. I write to you all in hopes of inspiring you to embark on your own form of a spiritual journey.

I am a bipolar, anxious, fearful 26 year old who has gone through some pretty tragic things along the way, like so many of you have probably have as well. I want to motivate you and inspire you every week. I try to let you in as much as possible. Im human, I have my down days. I can’t always be a ball of positive,  manifesting,  creative expression, but I write to you about it and I express to you how I plan on overcoming it.

I want you all to know that I have experienced the power of positive thinking and the wonders it can do. It can be challenging to focus so much on the positive especially when you are at war inside yourself; However when you do look towards the light its remarkable. I find it harder for me to snap out of my depression in the winter time, but I am constantly researching ways to charge my energies inside myself, balance my chakras, find the right healing crystals, and write out the right intentions. Its a journey. Its not something that happens over night. But trust me if you put in the work it pays off.

Things Ive done that have really helped me along the way would be surrounding myself with people who make me a better me. I try to only be around positive people. Its easier to stay in the now and continue to be inspired when the people around you are supporting you and positive. When I do encounter negative people I try to counter every negative thing they say with a positive. Notice how I said try, sometimes I join in on their pity party, because I am bipolar and its difficult sometimes. But most of the time I try to say at least 2 positive things without dismissing their sadness or concerns.

Another thing that has been very motivating would be making intentions and reading them often. Having them posted in varies places around my home helps remind me to read them. Just being able to see them manifest into truly amazing things is a great feeling. It makes you feel so powerful within yourself. “Wow I did that!  Just thinking something, dreaming, focusing my energy and it happened!  Wow you are incredible.” I find myself thinking.

I have found my happiness at work again, reconnected with my partner, built amazing relationships with friends from my past, and mended some relationships with my family that I thought were irreparable. All by thinking it. Its not magic, its just something we are all able to do if we try hard enough. Why not try it?  You can’t lose anything. Prove me wrong. Take one thing and write out an intention for it. Examples can be found in a previous blog of mine. Read that intention at least 2 times a day. Think about it often. Live as if it is already happening. It will start to grow and manifest so quickly. Just give it a chance.

I really hope I inspire some of you along the way. I have a normal job, I drive a Toyota, I have roommates, I am a normal person just like you. We can do this together. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to email me theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

Its almost a new year!  Lets all embark on wellness journey 2016. Just focusing on getting ourselves into the best “us” we can be. Happy, thriving, adventurous beings. Take these next couple of weeks to really map it out and imagine how the best you would look, not physical features, but personality traits and characteristics. I look forward to experiencing this with you.

Sincerely Me