“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?
Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?
Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.
When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.
I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?
The taste of last nights antics still lingering on my tongue when I woke this morning. The memories and darkness come creeping in. My soul longing for my next drag and drink. Anything to keep the sadness at bay. Overwhelmed and overloaded. Filling my life with anything to distract me from the fact that my heart is in a dismay.
Weekdays full of work, school, working out. Any down time results in clouds and rain. Get up and go for round 2. Keep on keeping on meaning keep busy so you don’t lose sanity.
To speak my pain into words would mean that it was real and it happened. I won’t allow it. I can’t let this break me. Not again, I tell myself. There’s a dark cloud hanging over my heart.
When the tears begin to fall I know it’s time for another diversion. Anything to create some confusion within myself to make me forget and be filled with something to hide me from my own pain. Illusion after illusion. I jut really miss you.
My mother has decided I have a drinking problem. I’ve decided I have a remedy for an excessive amount of bullshit and pain being dumped on me at any given moment. Enduring pain that would bring grown men to their knees. 3 pregnancies lost in less than two years. A family in disarray. And a love for a father who’s trapped in OZ.
The same thing that can save me is the one thing I’m afraid will kill me. Wants, needs, and desperation. Refusing to open up the slightest afraid that no one will understand. “Cheer up” “You okay?” Stifled with a witty remark.
Attempting to save myself from myself. This was easy the first time around. A false and inaccurate use of the word, but easier compared to now. With every day I got a little bit stronger. I relish for that feeling again. Jealous of the person I was before. Proud for mustering up to courage to push on.
“How do people help you through it when you shut them out?” How hard is it to make yourself vulnerable just to be unheard and misunderstood. Mistakes you can’t allow yourself to make. So you long for the next interference in your heartache.
The weekends creep in and you pray someone calls to fill the next two days with amusement and engross your time until the busy week approaches once again. The two days others long for are the days you despise the most.
Monday comes and your hands are idle no longer.
I look for signs in every part of my day. A beautiful humming bird is usually my Nana, a sweet dotted ladybug is your oldest sister Elowyn, those magical dragonflies are our sweet Jane, and yesterday when that butterfly entered our classroom…. I knew it was you. I wished and I prayed for you for a very long time. The short week I knew of you I loved you more than words could express. Pregnancy is a really interesting experience. You create this little miracle that you haven’t met yet, but you love it like your whole world depends on it and it alone. You want to protect it from anything that might cause it harm. Including yourself.
This time I was very proactive. I immediately contacted my doctor and began the pokes and the probes. With every prick of the needle I feared if this were the day I would hear that horrific word “ectopic”. I looked for every sign and symptom like the last. But nothing, until the bleeding came. I knew in that moment I had lost you. Shortly after I got the call from the doctor saying she was sorry, but my levels were fading and you were gone. I excused myself to the restroom and cried. “How could this be happening again?” ,I thought to myself, “How can God be so cruel?” I tried my best to compose myself deciding to stay and finish the rest of the day at work so I didn’t have to be at home alone. I went back to the class and began working trying to keep the tears at bay. And then there you were, a beautiful light green butterfly fluttering around our classroom. Looking for a quick way out as soon as you entered. How metaphorical to our situation. Just as quick as we said hello it was already time to say goodbye. I knew I had to be the one to set you free. I approached you and you did not fly away, i sent you all the love I had in my heart and I let you go.
At the beginning of finding out I was pregnant with you my biggest fear was ectopic pregnancy again. I knew that this time I wouldn’t have the heart to be the one to end your fate. My soul wouldn’t allow it. My biggest regret till this day that eats at me every moment of every day is choosing my life over Elowyn and Janes. The soul person put here to protect them was the one who took them from this world. I knew it would kill me to do it again so I would have to risk it all with you. That’s the conundrum of this whole thing. Yes I am very sad and hear broken that I will not have you in my arms, but I’m relieved that I did everything in my power to protect you this time. You are not leaving at the hands of me.
So I will be seeing you my sweet girl. In every passing butterfly. Sending you love and hugs with every prayer at night. You were wanted and wished for. Created with love beyond this worlds ability to express. You were just to good for this Earth and God knew it. I’ll dream of you until we see each other in heaven.
Love you my little butterfly
The world can be a scary place to live. Especially when you’re in jr high school. In school I got bullied a lot. I was the quirky kid. I had “friends”, but they always picked on me for being weird. Weird to them wasn’t that I played with Yugioh cards or acted out Pokémon in the field like the rest of the kids they labeled “weird”. My weirdness was the fact that I was nice. They would tease me trying to get me to react in a volatile way. Always uping it a notch further. The last straw was when my mom bought me this cheerleading outfit from Limited Too. I was so excited to wear it the following Monday because it was sports theme for spirit week. My mom was hesitant about letting me wear it to school because she didn’t want me to ruin it. After hours of heavy persuading I finally convinced her I would take good care of it. That Monday I strutted into school feeling so cool. I couldn’t wait for my friends to see me. I told one of my friends about my moms fear of it getting messed up and she laughed. During lunch we are on the bleachers, there was a lot of whispering and more side conversations then usual. I started to notice that I wasn’t apart of them. I packed up my stuff and began to walk off the bleachers when one of the girls behind me called my name. As I turned around another girl behind me poured a cup of juice over my head. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry. I kept asking “why did you do that?” “Did you do it on purpose?” as I sobbed. No one answered, they just laughed. One of the girls began to call me names, “you’re so stupid”, she said. I felt the anger start to build. Without thinking I punched her in the face. She fell off the bleachers. I had never felt so horrible in my whole life. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to kill my kindness and I let them win.
That weekend was my grandparents weekend to have me so I went over to visit. My Nana had heard how I was suspended and wanted to talk about what happened. I told her how the girls called me names and said I was too nice. That I was weird because I didn’t stick up for myself. I explained how I felt after they poured the juice on me and how cruel they were for laughing and calling me names after. I told her they had it coming. My Nana had never looked so disappointed. She said,” there will be times in your life when you get knocked down and you want to knock someone down with you, but don’t. You are a Cupples, your stronger then that” I knew that what I had done was wrong, but it felt good to make her pay for calling me names. “Don’t let the world change who you are. Only me, your papa, and you know who you really are and I love the Rissy you are. Don’t let it weaken you. Don’t let this world change that.” Since that talk with my Nana I have always tried to stay true to me. Never let the world or things that happen change who I am.
Struggling with trying to conceive a child and have it implant in the right location as changed me. It’s weakened me. I have been at rock bottom for a long time because of this. I find myself in this constant struggle of “fake it till you make it”. This whole ordeal has made me into a different person. At first I was trying to be so nice to people because I started to realize you never know what others might be going through so treat them with kindness. When I realized that was turning me into a doormat I began treating people the same way they treated me. Like total and utter shit. Ignoring them how they did me, giving them shit the same way they would, being very petty, lowering myself to their level. One day I took a hard look in the mirror and started to cry. I let the world change me. Every experience I tried to block and and keep strong I let in and make me into a person I am not.
If I’ve said it once in these blogs I’ve said it a million times, “rock bottom became the very foundation I rebuilt myself on”. I’m not perfect, I’m learning everyday just like the rest of you. This spiritual journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a journey. But I try not to give up. I roll with the bunches…… sometimes I’m just rolling for longer then I expected. Things that shifted me before aren’t shifting me in this present time so I will have to keep tinkering with things till I find what works for me to have my spiritual enlightenment again. It’s a process and a journey, but I’m grateful for the people along for the ride. I kinda forgot how gangster it is to be kind to everyone know matter what.
“I’ll make you fear me, you know what I’m capable of! You should be afraid!” Words jabbed into my heart like a knife. This coming from the man I went to bat for a couple years ago. The look of hate and anger in his eyes showed me just how wrong I was to believe he would never put a hand on someone he loved. My Uncle knows that I am a victim of domestic violence; however this man is no longer my uncle. The cocktail of substances that he chooses to consume has taken over and he has lost who he was. My Uncle would never treat me in such a way. He was gone and it was time to morn another loss.
This week has been a challenging one for me. My great uncle passed away after a long fight with hepatitis. It created liver cancer and he went out with his boots one. My uncle was a kind man. Such a gentle soul. He was the “Cupples” I strived to be like. Not like this monster before me spitting as he spoke in my face chest to chest. In previous blogs I wrote about going to court with my uncle and standing beside him as he told the judge he never layer a finger on my grandfather. Now I’m seeing first hand that this must have been a lie. I felt foolish in that moment. It was like the world around me got quiet as he was in my face trying to take up for a man who he weeks ago decided would be “dead to him”. I remembered how he used to be and recalled all the events and details up until this point. When did he stray? When did he become this man before me? Name calling, spewing violence during such a hard time. Something I’ve noticed is death causes people to act in such a hateful way. This day was not the time nor the place for him to get so out of control.
I speak of forgiveness often. You must forgive people, not for them, but for yourself. What a load to carry with you. Hate and anger toward someone else for wronging you. You can choose to forgive them, not forget and allow them to do the same, but forgive them and move on with no burden or weight. But with my uncle it would be hard. I gave up so much for him because I believed him. With help of others along the years with brainwashing me against my family. Pitting me against certain people. I believed he was right and my papa must have lost his mind. My uncle could never do such a thing. But I’m sure now after these series of devastating events that I was wrong.
How do you forgive someone who has wronged you so bad? I’m not quit sure. I’m finding myself letting go of him. Lately when I’m wrong by someone so harshly It’s like my mind won’t allow me to see the wrong doing. Only to good memories. I feel as if they have passed to another side where I can no longer speak with them. And only the bad person that’s stolen their body remains. Their heart and soul is in a better place and I can speak to them as if I’m speaking to a lost loved one in heaven. I get the urge to call them during times I usually would but just like people in heaven you remember you can’t. It’s hard, but I think it’s my coping mechanism.
Times like these make it hard for me. As most of you know I’m fighting bipolar depression everyday. I choose to do so with no medication. Is it recommended, no, but I have to do what I feel is right for myself. I’ve been having dark thoughts lately with all that is going on. But I have a great support system that keeps me going. You can’t stop the good fight. I believe I was put on this earth for a purpose. All of us were. We are divine creatures created to do good. Even when life gets rough don’t let it change who you are. My Nana used to tell me,”dont let the world turn your heart cold, you’re one of the good ones.” You’re must remember that during hard times. As much as I want to close everyone out, turn of my lights, and lock my doors I can’t. I’ve worked so hard these past years since beginning this spiritual journey to open up, branch out, and just love people with all I’ve got. If they don’t reciprocate it that’s fine, let them go. But don’t let it define your. Don’t let it turn your heart dark.
I suggest everyone blog, vlog, write, sing about their emotions. Just get it out. It’s the best medicine. If people wanted you to write highly of them, they should have behaved better.
As I walked out of the BART tunnel off the stairs and into the salty air, cool breeze, buildings to the heavens skylines city I felt at peace. Lately I’ve been working on getting out and just experiencing life. I have always had an irrational fear of public transportation for many reasons. I feared all the germs covering every surface of the transit, the odd, unexpected things the passengers might do or say, and if something terrible might happen along the way. But today I tried to put all that behind me and enjoy my ride.
Every time I get out of town to a place I consider my zen place I’m always flooded by a million thoughts. Me, my fiance, and our friend were the ones Embarking on this adventure. Recently I was told if I continued a friendship with our friend or his mother that another person would no longer have a friendship with me. I hadn’t really allowed myself to dwell on it until I hit the city. Like i said It’s always when I go to find peace that my mind starts twirling and analyzing past events. Never when I sit down to really think about them. As much as I tried to block that negative conversation out of my mind I wasn’t able too.
As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I am a people pleaser. A “Yes Man” in every true meaning of the word. When someone is upset with me I analyze everything I’ve ever done to them, every conversation, every interaction to figure out what I’ve done wrong. But in this situation I just couldn’t understand what I could have possibly done. Our relationship had been rocky for awhile due to certain events that had transpired. So the conversation that occurred left me extremely confused. As an adult I would never tell another adult that in order for them to remain in my life they would have to give up someone who meant the absolute world to them. It’s cruel. I would maybe ask them to not mention them around me or bring them around me if they brought me absolute grief and despair, but never give them an ultimatum.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? Did it make you consider actually picking a side? For nights I felt torn between people and families. I couldn’t bring myself to let them go. I sat down with a friend and they explained it in perfect sense. “Never hold onto someone who puts you in that situation. If they truly wanted you in their life they would never make you pick. Those words would never leave their mouth.”
As most of you know I went through a really dark time. I lost something very precious to me. The people I was told to throw away were there for me through it all. They’ve always been a shoulder I can cry on. They’ve never used my hurt against me to make me experience even more pain. For that I’m thankful I decided to keep them in my life.
In life you are going to have people who will use you, try to knock you down, and make you feel lower then you’ve ever felt. You will have people who are selfish and will ask unreasonable things from you. It’s how you respond to it that truly matters. Do not let them change you or make them reevaluate who you are. You are a divine being. Let them go.
“She doesn’t deserve it.” “She’s just going to do the same things over and over again.” “To many people let her get away with this.” All the negative voices want to come out and play when it’s time to forgive someone. In a previous blog I wrote about the power of forgiveness. It’s not for the person who has wronged you, but rather for you and your own sanity and self healing. When you harbor a grudge, it drains you. You can’t live a happy life continuing to hate someone for the hurt they have caused you. You have to forgive in order to grow spiritually. That doesn’t mean you continue to let them cause you grief. You just handle and treat them accordingly. Continue a relationship with them if you want or let them go and move on, but forgive them none the less.
I have been hurt to a point where I have felt that things are just beyond forgiveness and repair. Then I set out on this journey and found the power of forgiveness. I allowed myself to feel the effects of forgiving someone and it changed me and the way I felt about a lot of things. You begin to feel weights lift off of you by the hundreds and thousands of pounds. It’s a feeling everyone should feel. Forgiving someone is more then just saying it, it’s feeling it and meaning every word of it. You have to really forgive them. No more bringing up the past actions and holding it against them. This is actually where you decide if you can continue a relationship with the person. If what you are Forgiving them for is to much for you to continue a relationship with them, then don’t. Yoy don’t have to feel bad about keeping toxic people out of your life.
The power of forgiveness is one of the greatest superpowers and one of the most underrated. We are divine creatures who awareness some amazing gifts. You just gotta give them a try.