Same Song and Dance

“Today is going to be o….” I began to type before deleting the message. Type, reword, delete, type, reword, delete….it’s a vicious cycle that you have put me in. Concocting novels to you used to be as simple as putting my fingers in motion, so why does a simple sentence feel like such a skill to grasp?

Towards the end of my last relationship I was talking to my best friend about how things were going. I remember telling him I could feel the coldness in the already rigid conversations. The lack of interest in each other’s lives being masked with “that’s cool” and on some days utter silence. “If you know it’s coming to an end why don’t you just say goodbye?” I’ve never been good at letting go. Goodbyes have always broken me. The idea of one night falling asleep with someone meaning the world to you, never imagining life without them, to waking up and having the feeling fled has always been so hard for me to navigate. It’s like you just wake up and no longer love a person. What brought you to this point?

Along this spiritual journey I have done many things to make “letting go” that much easier and less traumatic. I’ve taught myself that people, material objects, feelings they are nothing more than just “things” if you give them a special label and hold on to it tight it begins to romanticize it which makes it so hard to say goodbye, but if you cherish it minute by minute and tell yourself that it doesn’t belong to you it makes it that much easier when it’s time to relinquish it. Death is hard. It rattles every fiber in me, but I think having someone no longer want you in their life is harder. That slow distancing song and dance is heart wrenching. I have gotten better at letting go of things that are no longer doing me any good and draining my vibrations, But with you it’s different. You changed me and my coping mechanism way of thinking. I decided on you for an eternity of banter.

When I decide on someone I am choosing them for my whole life. Usually the good bits and the gory ones too. I don’t ever fathom the idea of distance or separation, but with a heart like mine that’s a dangerous thing. With every step backwards in opposing directions I feel a piece break off.

I slowly start to say goodbye to the thought of you and I. Each day creeping closer to the expiration date of who we used to be together. Pointed toes, fidgeting fingers, strung together with well thought out responses. What has gotten us here?

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Kindness is so gangster…..

Kindness is so gangster…..

The world can be a scary place to live. Especially when you’re in jr high school. In school I got bullied a lot. I was the quirky kid. I had “friends”, but they always picked on me for being weird. Weird to them wasn’t that I played with Yugioh cards or acted out Pokémon in the field like the rest of the kids they labeled “weird”. My weirdness was the fact that I was nice. They would tease me trying to get me to react in a volatile way. Always uping it a notch further. The last straw was when my mom bought me this cheerleading outfit from Limited Too. I was so excited to wear it the following Monday because it was sports theme for spirit week. My mom was hesitant about letting me wear it to school because she didn’t want me to ruin it. After hours of heavy persuading I finally convinced her I would take good care of it. That Monday I strutted into school feeling so cool. I couldn’t wait for my friends to see me. I told one of my friends about my moms fear of it getting messed up and she laughed. During lunch we are on the bleachers, there was a lot of whispering and more side conversations then usual. I started to notice that I wasn’t apart of them. I packed up my stuff and began to walk off the bleachers when one of the girls behind me called my name. As I turned around another girl behind me poured a cup of juice over my head. I wanted to scream, but all I could do was cry. I kept asking “why did you do that?” “Did you do it on purpose?” as I sobbed. No one answered, they just laughed. One of the girls began to call me names, “you’re so stupid”, she said. I felt the anger start to build. Without thinking I punched her in the face. She fell off the bleachers. I had never felt so horrible in my whole life. That’s what they wanted. They wanted to kill my kindness and I let them win. 
That weekend was my grandparents weekend to have me so I went over to visit. My Nana had heard how I was suspended and wanted to talk about what happened. I told her how the girls called me names and said I was too nice. That I was weird because I didn’t stick up for myself. I explained how I felt after they poured the juice on me and how cruel they were for laughing and calling me names after. I told her they had it coming. My Nana had never looked so disappointed. She said,” there will be times in your life when you get knocked down and you want to knock someone down with you, but don’t. You are a Cupples, your stronger then that” I knew that what I had done was wrong, but it felt good to make her pay for calling me names. “Don’t let the world change who you are. Only me, your papa, and you know who you really are and I love the Rissy you are. Don’t let it weaken you. Don’t let this world change that.” Since that talk with my Nana I have always tried to stay true to me. Never let the world or things that happen change who I am.
Struggling with trying to conceive a child and have it implant in the right location as changed me. It’s weakened me. I have been at rock bottom for a long time because of this. I find myself in this constant struggle of “fake it till you make it”. This whole ordeal has made me into a different person. At first I was trying to be so nice to people because I started to realize you never know what others might be going through so treat them with kindness. When I realized that was turning me into a doormat I began treating people the same way they treated me. Like total and utter shit. Ignoring them how they did me, giving them shit the same way they would, being very petty, lowering myself to their level. One day I took a hard look in the mirror and started to cry. I let the world change me. Every experience I tried to block and and keep strong I let in and make me into a person I am not. 
If I’ve said it once in these blogs I’ve said it a million times, “rock bottom became the very foundation I rebuilt myself on”. I’m not perfect, I’m learning everyday just like the rest of you. This spiritual journey hasn’t been easy. It’s a journey. But I try not to give up. I roll with the bunches…… sometimes I’m just rolling for longer then I expected. Things that shifted me before aren’t shifting me in this present time so I will have to keep tinkering with things till I find what works for me to have my spiritual enlightenment again. It’s a process and a journey, but I’m grateful for the people along for the ride. I kinda forgot how gangster it is to be kind to everyone know matter what.
Sincerely 

Me

You find out who your friends are

These past couple months I have relied on the support and love of my friends. I have leaned on them and used many as a crutch when I could no longer walk. Many days I felt as if my life was over and I was just navigating through a dream that I couldn’t wake from. Without many of them I don’t think I would be able to smile on most days.

When I found out I was going to be having a baby I told a handful of people I considered to be my close friends. They were supportive at the time and I felt happy to know that my baby would be entering this world so loved! It’s not until you go through something hard in life that you really find out who loves you unconditionally. When I lost the baby a lot of people I considered to be a big part of my world forgot how to be human. They stopped checking on me, never asked how I was doing, and became people I once knew. I felt alone. We all have experience heart-break from a love lost, but imagine a group of people breaking your heart all at once. I was so depressed, I found comfort in my boyfriend and depended on him to give me guidance. He expressed to me how I should not worry about those people because if I didn’t matter to them, they shouldn’t matter to me. It wasn’t until then that I started to really notice the lovely souls around me.

I have never felt so blessed during such a hard time. I have two amazing people who I have the pleasure to see Monday through Friday for a majority of my day, they have been my humor, my strength, my backbone on days that I didn’t think I would be able to make it through a work day. I am so happy to call them my friends. I have an amazing person who greats me everyday before work with a smile, even for the short walk we have to the sign in office i feel the love and compassion. I have 3 of the most amazing woman who I call my best friends. They have been there for me no matter what time it is day or night just to hear me out no matter how crazy the conversation might be. I have a gracious and kind-hearted boyfriend that has taken the brunt of my pain and stifled away his own just to help me heal. When your busy looking at all the bad in your life, you tend to miss out on a lot of the good. I was so busy worrying about the friends that I had lost I wasnt paying attention to the ones I had gained.

Before the loss of my beautiful angel I was on this magical journey of self discovering, spiritual healing, and enlightenment. I learned amazing techniques on how to channel my positive energy and really manifest something great, but with all the hurt I had been experiencing I lost sight of that. I am grateful for the support I have gotten these past couple months because without it I don’t think I would have survived. It was a lot of little things that amazing people did for me that helped me focus on the one big thing….I am alive! I have suffered from something traumatic, but I made it out alive. I have to keep living. That doesn’t mean waking up everyday and doing things the same way I did them before, it means loving each day and the people I get the share it with. You only get this one life, don’t waste it on people who you mean nothing to. Cherish the ones who make your energy vibrate stronger.

Why?

As I began writing my original blog topic for this week I had an urge to switch gears and express to you why I even blog at all. If you are an avid reader of my manifest Monday blog posts you know that I started a quest to embark upon a spiritual journey. In one of the many books I began before this journey I read that you should keep a journal along the way. In the beginning this was my journal, but it has morphed into something bigger than that for me. I try to be as real and genuine as possible for the people who take the time to read this every week. My grammar and spelling are never perfect, but to me that’s okay. I write to you all in hopes of inspiring you to embark on your own form of a spiritual journey.

I am a bipolar, anxious, fearful 26 year old who has gone through some pretty tragic things along the way, like so many of you have probably have as well. I want to motivate you and inspire you every week. I try to let you in as much as possible. Im human, I have my down days. I can’t always be a ball of positive,  manifesting,  creative expression, but I write to you about it and I express to you how I plan on overcoming it.

I want you all to know that I have experienced the power of positive thinking and the wonders it can do. It can be challenging to focus so much on the positive especially when you are at war inside yourself; However when you do look towards the light its remarkable. I find it harder for me to snap out of my depression in the winter time, but I am constantly researching ways to charge my energies inside myself, balance my chakras, find the right healing crystals, and write out the right intentions. Its a journey. Its not something that happens over night. But trust me if you put in the work it pays off.

Things Ive done that have really helped me along the way would be surrounding myself with people who make me a better me. I try to only be around positive people. Its easier to stay in the now and continue to be inspired when the people around you are supporting you and positive. When I do encounter negative people I try to counter every negative thing they say with a positive. Notice how I said try, sometimes I join in on their pity party, because I am bipolar and its difficult sometimes. But most of the time I try to say at least 2 positive things without dismissing their sadness or concerns.

Another thing that has been very motivating would be making intentions and reading them often. Having them posted in varies places around my home helps remind me to read them. Just being able to see them manifest into truly amazing things is a great feeling. It makes you feel so powerful within yourself. “Wow I did that!  Just thinking something, dreaming, focusing my energy and it happened!  Wow you are incredible.” I find myself thinking.

I have found my happiness at work again, reconnected with my partner, built amazing relationships with friends from my past, and mended some relationships with my family that I thought were irreparable. All by thinking it. Its not magic, its just something we are all able to do if we try hard enough. Why not try it?  You can’t lose anything. Prove me wrong. Take one thing and write out an intention for it. Examples can be found in a previous blog of mine. Read that intention at least 2 times a day. Think about it often. Live as if it is already happening. It will start to grow and manifest so quickly. Just give it a chance.

I really hope I inspire some of you along the way. I have a normal job, I drive a Toyota, I have roommates, I am a normal person just like you. We can do this together. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to email me theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

Its almost a new year!  Lets all embark on wellness journey 2016. Just focusing on getting ourselves into the best “us” we can be. Happy, thriving, adventurous beings. Take these next couple of weeks to really map it out and imagine how the best you would look, not physical features, but personality traits and characteristics. I look forward to experiencing this with you.

Sincerely Me