The day after I gave up….

The day after I gave up….

There are moments in your life, tragic, unseen events that grab hold of you and knock the wind out of you. Moments that make you feel as if you can’t go on. The day after I gave up was the day after my 2nd ectopic pregnancy, the sun was shining and I was pissed. “What kind of sick joke is this?” I thought to myself. I stepped outside to grab my pills trying to ease the pain. The air was so smooth, the birds were chirping, everyone was smiling and I wanted to die. 

The day after I gave up we went out to distract ourselves. We visited family had small talk, laughed, and I excused myself to go wallow in my own misery in the bathroom. I looked at this beautiful painting my finances grandmother had painted and wanted to end it right then and there. We went to get our favorite vegan meal and I prayed it would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. As I waited for our food I harped on how long it was taking. I looked across the way and saw a lesbian couple cooing over their baby. Resentment set in and hurt took over my heart. Why is it that they can have a perfectly healthy baby and I lost two? 

The day after I gave up I had nonexistent memories of our sweet girls running on the beach with their father, skim boards in tow. Laughing with beautiful dirty blonde hair and sun kissed olive tan skin. Waving and smiling at me to watch them as they skated off into the ocean waves. 

The day after I gave up we went to a beautiful overlook of Berkeley. We’ve been there time and time again with no success of seeing SanFran in the distance, but the day after I gave up we did. The lights lit up the cities and you could see the spectacular designs on the bridge. 

The day after I gave up my inbox was flooded by my aunts and cousins. By my friends that loved me dear. I was embraced with all this love and support. Yet I still felt alone. 

The day after I gave up I held onto all the things people had been telling me during this pregnancy. “This time it’s going to be okay” “you don’t have to worry” “it’s all in your head” 

The day after I gave up I told myself it was okay to let go. People will continue on and understand why you did. You will see your babies and be the mother to them you didn’t have the chance to be.

The night after I gave up I layed my head down and tried to fall asleep. I woke up to the sound of my love crying while he slept. I stroked his head and tried to comfort him softly without waking him. His breathing became a song along with the thump thump of his heart beat. It drifted into a lullaby as if to help me fall back to a peaceful slumber.

The morning I decided to fight the sunlight shinned through my window and I was greeted with a kiss from my love. My heart was sad but hopeful. The pain remained but I had a new look on life. Once again I held dear to the people who reached out and loved me through the tragic experience and told myself how I wouldn’t want them to feel the pain of loss as I am feeling it now. The morning I decided to fight I was told that my babies mattered and we’re shining down on me being looked after by my Nana. The morning after I decided to fight I was reminded of who I am and what I come from. A family of women who are survivors. Cancer, lupus, autoimmune diseases, drug addictions, and no infant loss. The morning i decided to fight was the morning I started fully living again.

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Road To Veganism

Mangos, cucumbers, bananas! That’s all I craved during my pregnancy. For those short months I couldn’t stomach any meat or animal products. The smell was torturous! After my pregnancy had ended I attempted to introduce meat back into my diet. I enjoyed it, but the taste wasn’t the same as before. I began doing some reading and watching some documentaries. In my reading I saw that a lot of women who had lost a baby had a change in their taste buds. Some able to enjoy foods they never had before. My countless hours of reading and educating myself lead me down a rabbit whole of vegan videos and blogs. I knew that this was the life for me!

When I was younger I would gag on steak and pork chops. I loved my fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t a normal child. We had a tradition at my grandparents’ house, at night we would have “snack”. It was basically a late night desert before bed. I would always attempt to eat the same thing as my cousin, a banana split. It wasn’t until my Nana saw me only eating the banana that she started just handing me one for snack with a grin. How strange I thought to myself….how strange must she think I am for not wanting ice cream, for choosing a banana over that. I did enjoy my chicken and fish as a child and young adult. It wasn’t until I started dating my first serious boyfriend and going to dinner at his house did I start to eat meat on daily basis. I felt as if I was offending his family  by refusing the meals they had prepared for me. My body began to change from all the meat intake along with my appearance. I felt tired, my mood had decreased, and I gained weight.

I’m happy to announce I have been vegan for over a month now with no mess ups. It was easier for me then I think it would be for a normal person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so watching videos like Earthlings and Cowspiracy really put the nail in the coffin for me. I have found amazing recipes from watching Hot For Food, Lauren Toyota, and the Edgy Veg on YouTube. I don’t ever feel like I’m missing out on something.

I have noticed some great changes since becoming vegan. I have lost weight, I feel more energized, and my skin is glowing. I had been having some serious acne problems and since this lifestyle change I am noticing a huge improvement with my complexion. Also my hair is growing at a better rate. It feels stronger. I stopped taking my depression medication, I’m not recommending anyone do this without seeking a medical opinion. I have been much happier and on the days that I’m feeling weak I have developed a nice self-care routine. I haven’t had any negative compliments about this change yet.

This is just another step forward in my spiritual journey.  I love animals, the planet, and have always wanted to make a difference. It’s nice to know that by doing this I am impacting the world in a positive way. I have inspired my boyfriend to not eat meat anymore as well, even though he does enjoy his liquid cheese. He has transitioned into being a vegetarian. I’m hoping by the end of the year I can convince him to be purely plant based.

Some tips I would recommend if you decide to try a vegan or plant based diet go as follows:

1)      Start slow! Don’t just jump into in. Do some research! I slowly decreased my meat and animal product intake.

2)      Decide why! I decided I was tired of talking about how I wanted to change the world and decided to do it! On days that I feel like a mcdouble I watch a little segment of Earthlings, The way they treat the animals helps me stay grounded in this  life style change.

3)      Find what you like! I started watching videos and creating stuff in the kitchen The first couple weeks I spent a lot of money just trying to figure out what  liked and what I didn’t. I stopped being afraid of making a food item I might not like. I just started experimenting.

4)      Bargain shop! A lot of the fruits and vegetables I eat come from my friends and families gardens. It’s always nice to get something home grown and free before going grocery shopping and forking out money for something. Craigslist has a plethora of farmers just waiting for someone to volunteer to come pick their fruit for them. I found a local man who allows people to come pick his plums for free. Also just making a quick post on craigslist ii got some fruits and veggies.

5)      Freeze! If store is having a sale on something stock up on it! Freeze it and you can use it for smoothies or juices later.

6)      Don’t take on the world! Right now I am just focusing on the foods and condiments I intake. Later, after a year I will start paying closer attention to the clothes, cleaning products, and beauty products I use as well.

7)      Don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family. It’s helpful that they know that way during family events they consider you when preparing the meals. Maybe they will buy earth balance butter and almond milk and use that for the mashed potatoes instead of the animal based products.

8)      Prepare! When I know there is an event coming up I make sure to find some recipes similar to the ones that might be consumed at the event so I don’t feel so different. I make sure to bring my own food so I am set up for success.

9)      Invest in a high speed blender and a nut bag! I got a ninja blender for 200 dollars and a couple nut bags on amazing for 13 dollars. Every morning I blend my fruits and veggies and strain them in the bag. Perfect juice without having to hassle with a juicer! Also blenders are good of vegan cheese and sauces.

10)  Have fun with it! Experiment, research, and don’t take yourself so seriously. I don’t judge others on the food they have on their plates, I just focus on myself. You aren’t better than anyone just because of the foods you are now deciding to eat.

 

I’m hoping that sometime in July I will start vlogging, maybe doing recipe videos as well. I would love to really give you guys a in depth look into this crazy journey I’ve been on. This spiritual quest has had so many ups and downs, but that’s life isn’t it. Things don’t work out as perfect as you envision them, and if they did how dull and boring would that be. I am grateful for every experience I have had to endure, because without it I wouldn’t be me.

My Little Mess

Faking smiles as my friends around me announce details about their pregnancies. Inside I want to cry. This was supposed to be something we can share in together, yet I’m envious of the months they still have. 9 long months they gripe. I laugh it off, inside screaming I wish I had this empty womb filled with uncomfortable kicks, pokes, and pain I could cherish. With every picture and video of their sweet babies I break a little inside. The look of joy on their faces wishing I could share in these moments of my own.

When you have a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, early pregnancy loss you feel the obligation to keep it hush hush. Don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable I tell myself. It’s taboo to speak about. You start to feel alone. While everyone is speaking about the baby they will have soon, you’re mourning the one you lost. The idea of closure seems so unobtainable. How can you move on when you never got to know your baby? The social norm for talks of being a mother to a baby you have no proof ever existed is no existent. You don’t see posts on social media about it because to most mothers who have heald and swaddled their babies we are not mothers is the full sense of the word. I feel I needed validation in the beginning that I am indeed a mother. Not because I needed to be a part of some exclusive club, but because I wanted to make sure I preserved my babies existence. My baby was real. On mothers day I had an overwhelming amount of friends tell me Happy Mothers Day. It made my whole day. It was like they were sending little hugs to my baby in heaven with their kind words and support.

A couple nights ago I dreamt everything all over again. Every excruciating detail. Instead this time I got to see you. I just remember thinking God she’s beautiful! You had my nose and lips. It was only a ultrasound picture, but in my dream I treasured it dearly. When I awoke I felt empty. I begged my brain to hush and allow me to sleep and dream of you once again, but the pain kept me awake. The whole day I felt lost. I longed for that picture.

I don’t know when this is going to get easier. I try to trick myself with a cocktail of Prozac and wine that I’m okay. The depression sets in and I feel lost. Caressing an empty womb as if you were there once again. I can’t express the pain I feel in verbal sentences. It gets distorted and I attempt to laugh it off while inside I feel like I’m dying. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted these days. The doctor told me to give it some time for the wounds to heal and the Prozac to take over. I feel every laugh forced and every smile smeared across is so easily read as a fake. I’m not a hugger, I’ve never been into hugs unless I’m the one initiating them, but lately I find myself wishing for them. Just that embrace makes the pain hurt a little less, even if just for a moment. I’m taking it day by day, praying for a miracle. My heart just feels broken these days. I’m looking for the light at the end of this storm.

When I started this blog, the original reason was to track my spiritual journey. I titled it “Manifesting a Little Mess” it was a play on the nickname my family had given me when I was a little girl. “Mess” my uncle coined me. Now this blog has grown into something much deeper. I’ve really been able to find myself along this past year leading me up to the point where I literally was Manifesting a little mess…. a little me. A baby. I’m now embarking on healing from all this chaos and trying to produce another Mess, not a replacement, just another.

You hit like a ………

Cleaning my room the other day I came across my first hospital bracelet. The first time it was confirmed that I was pregnant with her and also that I was losing her. It brought back a rush of emotions. I packed it away in her memory box. In our hearts, the ones who loved my little bird so much, she was a she from the beginning. I think that’s something that makes it easier. You have all these unanswered questions when you lose a child in early pregnancy. Whats the gender? What would it have looked like?  But if you start to imagine your baby, healing becomes easier.

Ive been beyond depressed with everything that has transpired. I don’t want to leave my bed, I dont want to see friends, being around children is extremely excruciating. Its a pain I havent felt before. I had been avoiding my doctors visits and refusing blood draws because it meant number one, I would have to be in a waiting room full of new and expecting mothers and number two…… seeing my hcg levels drop would mean you were really gone.

Last Friday I finally went in and my levels were decreasing as expected. I broke down. They sent me to see the counselor. I could barely get a word out between the tears and trying to catch my breath. She told me I was severely depressed. “Ya think”, I thought. She recommended I take some time off from work and really work on getting better, but to me work helps. Its a routine. It forces me to get up and put a smile on no matter how fake. She prescribed me some prozac and told me she wants to see me every Friday. Leaving there I couldn’t help but think about something she had said. “You’re sick”, she said, “depression is like any other disease. If you had cancer would you refuse to see a doctor? No you would get treatment so you can get better. Marissa, I want to help you get better and I want you to want this as well. Its not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. ” Before losing my baby I was doing better. I was working on becoming a better me. I set off on a spiritual journey of self improvement and enlightenment. I was happy. I was able to combate my bipolar mania and depression with meditation, yoga, blogging, reading, and manifesting. I was active in my friends lives. Now I’ve lost all that and have distanced myself from the ones I love.

My friend recently sent me a picture

image

It has inspired me to do better. To feel better. In no way will I ever forget the fact that I was once pregnant with a beautiful baby. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I AM A MOTHER. I’m just a mommy to a beautiful Angel baby who lives in heaven. Growing up I always said I wanted to be the best mom I could be for my child. I can’t be a good mom to anyone if I am so sad that I can’t even find the strength to brush my hair on some days. I will not plant my roots in this depressing state I’m in. I will fight on. Its not going to be easy and I know that, but I’ve got some great people willing to help carry me when I cant stand to walk anymore. Im gonna be okay.