One day at a time

These four walls have never been the same since the day I found out about your existence. This white room, this porcelain tub…. none of it feels the same since that day. This was the room I first saw those two blue lines and this was the room I ran to after I knew I had lost you.

As I soak in the same tub I contracted in I feel so much pain. My heart aches and longs to just know any sense of who you would have been. You would be over a year by now. You would have a new baby sibling and the miscarriage would have never had the chance to happen. I feel guilty when I think of you. My heart broke just the same with the 2nd ectopic and the miscarriage, but for some reason my mind always wanders back to you. My first. My sweet Elowyn.

I thought I knew what love was before you. I thought I had felt a broken heart. But nothing compares to the love I have for you. The moment I knew of you I wanted nothing more but to protect my womb because I knew that was your place of survival. The soul shattering realization that the same body and person that was supposed to protect you is the same reason you aren’t here today. I’ve waited a long time for this pain to lessen. I remember people saying that it wouldn’t hurt so bad after awhile but there are moments when I feel a tinge in my stomach, the same fluttering feeling I would feel when I thought you were thriving inside of me, and suddenly it’s hard to breathe. I’m brought right back into that moment in the hospital when I had to chose between your life and mine. Ive been working hard on myself even though the doctors said that there was nothing I could have done differently it’s hard not to blame myself. I could have been skinnier, I could have done more yoga do eliminate stress, I could have taken more supplements. All these things creep in and I begin to blame myself. I want so badly to try again.

Being a mom and holding my baby is something I want more than the air I breathe, but the joy of pregnancy has been damaged and smudged with chemo shots and multiple hospital visits. Three pregnancies with three angels in heaven has made the thought and idea of pregnancy so traumatic I can’t even fathom what it would be like to bring my sweet angel to term when the time comes. In the months to follow I hope you stay close to me every step of the way. Trying to conceive is hard enough on its own without all the stress of making it past my dreaded 5 week marker. I know that you will be with me helping me through any negative pregnancy test or any slightest twinge I might experience when I do get pregnant again. My sweet first love. I wish you were here with me. Just know that I think and dream of you often.

Sincerely

Your mommy

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The Butterfly 

The Butterfly 


I look for signs in every part of my day. A beautiful humming bird is usually my Nana, a sweet dotted ladybug is your oldest sister Elowyn, those magical dragonflies are our sweet Jane, and yesterday when that butterfly entered our classroom…. I knew it was you. I wished and I prayed for you for a very long time. The short week I knew of you I loved you more than words could express. Pregnancy is a really interesting experience. You create this little miracle that you haven’t met yet, but you love it like your whole world depends on it and it alone. You want to protect it from anything that might cause it harm. Including yourself.
This time I was very proactive. I immediately contacted my doctor and began the pokes and the probes. With every prick of the needle I feared if this were the day I would hear that horrific word “ectopic”. I looked for every sign and symptom like the last. But nothing, until the bleeding came. I knew in that moment I had lost you. Shortly after I got the call from the doctor saying she was sorry, but my levels were fading and you were gone. I excused myself to the restroom and cried. “How could this be happening again?” ,I thought to myself, “How can God be so cruel?” I tried my best to compose myself deciding to stay and finish the rest of the day at work so I didn’t have to be at home alone. I went back to the class and began working trying to keep the tears at bay. And then there you were, a beautiful light green butterfly fluttering around our classroom. Looking for a quick way out as soon as you entered. How metaphorical to our situation. Just as quick as we said hello it was already time to say goodbye. I knew I had to be the one to set you free. I approached you and you did not fly away, i sent you all the love I had in my heart and I let you go. 
At the beginning of finding out I was pregnant with you my biggest fear was ectopic pregnancy again. I knew that this time I wouldn’t have the heart to be the one to end your fate. My soul wouldn’t allow it. My biggest regret till this day that eats at me every moment of every day is choosing my life over Elowyn and Janes. The soul person put here to protect them was the one who took them from this world. I knew it would kill me to do it again so I would have to risk it all with you. That’s the conundrum of this whole thing. Yes I am very sad and hear broken that I will not have you in my arms, but I’m relieved that I did everything in my power to protect you this time. You are not leaving at the hands of me.
So I will be seeing you my sweet girl. In every passing butterfly. Sending you love and hugs with every prayer at night. You were wanted and wished for. Created with love beyond this worlds ability to express. You were just to good for this Earth and God knew it. I’ll dream of you until we see each other in heaven.
Love you my little butterfly

Lets get lost……..

“Don’t you ever doubt just believe”

Ivory Tribes

Those simple little words reached my soul in such a way that it felt like I was on the outside of my body pulling my own soul out and bringing it back to life. I’ve been so numb to things and the world around me. Not being able to fully experience your experiences is grisly. But on September 18, 2015 I felt alive again!Screenshot_2015-09-19-12-58-07-1

Dreading the whole idea of going to a concert where I would be standing for 4 hours straight listening to music I barely know to see one band I enjoy just didn’t seem delightful; however my boyfriend really wanted to go so I agreed. Waiting for the band to come one I was overwhelmed with anxiety because we were upfront and centered to the stage. Close enough that we could wrap our arms around their feet if we got the desire. A band by the name of Ivory Tribes was the first to play, an indie band from Dallas, Texas. These 5 young men will never know how deeply they energized and awakened my soul. They entered that stage and started playing and I felt a shadow lift from my eyes. It’s so weird to put into words, like what is this crazy woman saying? Music has always had a way of pulling me out of my depression, but lately I haven’t been able to connect to it enough to feel touched by it. I feel like this concert was exactly what I needed to jump start the “Let’s get lost” portion of my spiritual journey.

In order to grow as a person, to be fully changed you have to get out and experience life. Living your life in your home overly enthralled with your TV screen or your recent Facebook feed is damaging. Going to a music event, going on a hike, sitting around a table shooting the shit playing board games with your friends those are the types of experiences you need to survive spiritually. When we live our lives with a screen barrier all we see is a disillusioned distorted version of actual reality. We see what these people want us to see, not the actual factual version of what is going on in their lives. With this information that they give us we beat ourselves up over the fact that we don’t have what they have and we live to “top” their experiences. Our lives become consumed with Sandy getting a new car or Tiffany expecting her 2nd child and you’re still trying to have 1. It starts to make you despise your friends because you’re so overwhelmed with jealousy.

This year I have been trying to conceive a child. Every month that “beep beep” notification on my ovulation tracker nicely reminds me that it’s time to start baby dancing. For the next couple of days me and my partner do everything we can possible do to create life. Every 14 days after that, like clockwork, shark week arrives. I feel a lump in my throat and an oppressive pain my heart like someone won’t stop stabbing me with a screwdriver. I shut down for a couple of days and isolate myself so I don’t have to face the world and deal with the awful month ahead of me. The month is full of awkwardly laughing and shrugging off the questions of “Did it happen?” “Did you test? “Was it positive?” Nonchalantly avoiding the fact that the thing I want more than anything in this world seems so out of reach for me. The bitter jealousy sets in when I go on Facebook and see yet another post about one of my friends expecting. How could I feel this way towards someone I care about? I should be joyess for them, but all I feel is pain. I turn my anger towards my partner. Tearing down the man I love, blaming him for our lack of conception. How was this his fault? We were both doing everything that we could physically do to bring life into this world. This spiritual journey has helped me with that. You have to own up to the things that are happening in your life. Remember “you” and only you create the life you want.

In the book The Maps the author states that you should specify your intentions in order to manifest them. I had been manifesting bring life into this world which obviously wasn’t specific enough. 6 weeks ago my cat had kittens and and my boyfriend aided in her labor so my manifestation did happen, we helped her bring life into this world.  With certain things that you are praying for or trying to manifest you should make sure to specify them, example instead of saying, “I want to bring life into this world with my partner” I could have said “I intend to create life in my womb with my partner, I intend for us to have a baby together in the next couple of months, I intend for it to be a healthy pregnancy” that was very specific and conveyed exactly what I want.20150921_135541

Deleting my Facebook has really helped me get full experiences out of my life so far. I don’t feel the need to make a status every time I do something and I don’t feel obligated to try to mimic someone else’s life. I’ve set out my intentions and I am working on manifesting them on my own. In the end we have the power to have the life we want. We can’t blame anyone for the things we don’t have because we have the ability to obtain everything that the universe has to offer. You just have to believe, free your mind, and be open to how that manifestation happens.

Sincerely me