Lead me out of the darkness

“You’re stronger than this” people keep telling me,  “You’ve gone through worse.” But inside I know I’m not. Im weak. Inside im screaming “SAVE ME!” “PLEASE JUST HOLD ME!” “DONT LEAVE ME!” I feel like piece by piece I’m breaking away.

These past couple years I have been hit with so much. Im on the edge being pushed further and further to falling with every horrid experience. This…… this was my last amount of happiness. I wanted you!  I wished and prayed and dreamt of you every second of every day! Nobody in this world could want anything as much as I wanted you. And now I have to chose…… Chose between risking my own life in some miracle attempt to save yours.

Waiting in the hospital room for the oncologist to deliver the methotrexate I almost left several times. Your father, the reasonable one kept me sane and grounded. “How could I do this to you?” I asked him. I am your mother and you are my little baby. I was sent to this world to protect you and I am here with some horrible twist of fate to “dissolve” you as if that medical term couldn’t stab me harder then the needles they used for every blood draw. I wanted you. We wanted you. On February 3 I never could have thought that I’d be losing you in this way.

When they told me I was having a misscarriage a couple weeks prior I died inside. I attempted to mourn and rebuild my psyche. It was a hard thing knowing God had called you home. But this is something different. This is me taking your life. “Im a murder” I keep thinking in that cold room with the curtains drawn. I am about to murder my baby. I was supposed to protect you. But I couldn’t do that.

In my brain I have ran through a million options. A) I keep you growing in hopes of some miracle you make your way to where you should be and I live.  B) I continue to let you grow, my tube ruptures and I die or lose it and you. The list goes on. But in the end the only real option I had was this one.

This is when the depression consumes me. When I follow my sadness into the darkness. I don’t know how to be normal anymore. Eye contact stabs so deep I feel paralyzed. The mundane ritual of social interaction becomes to much to bare. I just want to isolate myself, in my room, on my bed, alone with my thoughts. But what I need is much different. I need to be pulled and shaken out of these depths I’ve fallen so deep into. I need someone, anyone to hug me and tell me I’m not alone as they hold my hand and walk me out of the somber state. I feel like I’m begging, pleading, screaming on the inside with every fake smile…. Every “I’m okay”……  every forced laugh “please help me feel okay again”

How do you come out of a situation like this unchanged?  No damage done? You can’t. I need a break from life, from work, from societies callous words. I feel the love and support from my friends and family, but I need help. A million hugs, a million you will be okay, a million ounces of love. I need to know that all this was for something. The confused, frustrated, feelings behind it all to be validated. I wanted to be a mother…… am I still a mother? How do I heal? So many unanswered questions. And no formal way to say goodbye.

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My baby you’ll be….

Ive been dreading this moment. The moment when I can longer cling to the hope that by some miracle you could still be growing in my belly into my beautiful little baby. As my body contracts trying to release any piece I have left of you I weep. Weep for the Christmas I won’t share with you, the first birthday, the first moment I feel you kick. It is my job to keep you safe. I am your mother and by some sick twisted fate it is my body that is killing you. The pain I am feeling is worth every excruciating moment. It lets me know you were real, you existed. You were and forever will be my baby.

As I sit in the egg shell colored bath, submerged in a heap of bubbles I rub my stomach and sing to you. The same german nursery rhymes your nana above sang to me and will continue to sing to you when you meet her in heaven. I hope you don’t feel pain. I guess that’s the beauty of being 4 weeks as morbid as it might be. As the tears fall I imagine you stroking my cheek and telling me everything is going to be okay.

The days that will follow won’t be the same. I will continue to move through life as normal as normal could possibly be after a ordeal like this. I will return to work with a smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside. People will try to console me with “you’re in a better place” “at least i know i can get pregnat” “you can always try again” not knowing that those cliche words ignorantly thrown together in a sad excuse of condolance are far from what i want to hear at the moment. The only piece of sufficient help i need these days is a hug. A piece of me was taken away to heaven with you my little bean.

Seeing your cousins won’t have the same joy it used to. More like a sad reminder that you should be here. I saw your cousin Gianna Friday. She would have loved you. As I looked at her sweet face as we played with her legos together I imagined you beside us. Laughing and pretending alongside us. You guys would have been inseparable like me and your aunt Brittany. I wanted to mention you to her, but she’s to little to understand. When I am with her I will cherish her more now I think. I imagine you would have had her quirky personality.

I will try again, but not for another you. Not a replacement. But for a little brother or sister for you. Your memory will live on through them. I will always wonder if you would have resembled them. I will speak of you to them. I got a bear made the day after I found out I would be losing you. It gives me comfort. I take it everywhere. When we have another baby I will let them have it. So they to have a piece of their older sibling. You will still have the duties and responsibility that comes along with the title. Make sure to steer them in the right direction. You will be their protector just as I protect your uncle Marcus. The only difference is you will do it from a special place called heaven.

Every morning I wake up with sore breasts. The sickening reminder that I was once pregnant and lost a child is smeared in my face everyday. I have nauseous sensations randomly throughout the day. I asked the doctors if they were certain you were gone. They repeated the same line I heard once before. With the slow dropping levels I will still experience these symptoms until you and any reminisce are no more.

You are on my mind in all that I do. Every day to day routine is full of thoughts of you. You keep me fighting these days. I bring you up often. I never wonder if people are tired of hearing about you. Your aunt Ris has been my biggest supporter. Shes gone through this with her two babies as well. As for now we are left loving you from a far and it has to be good enough for now.

The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

November Challenge

Laying in my bed with a million thoughts racing through my head, I started to think to myself how easy this journey felt in the beginning. Mind you I was off work and had ample amounts of free time on my hands. Now that I’ve began my hectic work life back up I feel swamped and drained. I’ve forgotten to read my intentions this week and I feel a little guilty. One simple thing that I literally have posted everywhere and I couldn’t make time for it. Time management has always been one of my issues. I wait until the last moment for everything. For the month of November Im going to challenge myself to make time for the things that are important to me. I downloaded an app called Cozi.

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Its a planner that you can have with your family and friends. You add a event and whoever you have in your circle can view it. Im going to schedule reminders throughout the day to read my intentions. What better way to manifest a good life then by reading them out loud multiple times a day. Also Im challenging myself to make it to meditation class at least 2 times this month. I usually meditate at home or in my car before work, but if like to take this class my friend keeps raving about. I notice a big difference in my attitude the days I don’t meditate. I need to allow myself time throughout this month to do these things because they are extremely beneficial. I find myself sinking back into depression lately and I start to 2nd guess this process. Was it just the mania talking in the beginning? I can’t allow these thoughts to take hold and cloud my judgment. I need to remain positive. Focused on the things I can change and not fret to much on the things I can’t.

I’ve been feeling alone since I started making positive changes. I’ve noticed old friends not wanting to be around me and it started to make me feel like this journey was the cause. Talking to one of my closet and most dearest friends about how I was feeling really put things into perspective. As we mature we change, we grow. We don’t all stay the same. In the past couple of weeks I’ve been really trying to change my outlook on life. I’ve been focusing more on making thibgs positive. Some people don’t luke to see you doing well, they don’t enjoy seeing yoy happy. Those people are not your friends. Friends want to grow together. She told me the people that are discluding you from things and discouraging you from continuing on on this journey are still in the same place they were in when you first met. They don’t allow themselves to grow and don’t want to see you blossom. Its a hard thing to wrap your mind around, but I think she’s right. Some people are only meant to be in your life for a season. Cherish the time you had with them and let them go. Maybe they will be back for another when the time is right.

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November is full of endless possibilities. New friends, new routines, and loads of time for all of it. Im looking forward to all the positive energy and vibes that November holds for me. Another year older and I’m only getting wiser with my age. This journey has been exactly what I needed.

Sincerely Me

With A Few Simple Words

“Hello, Marissa. Yes this is ****** school district. You will be starting the year off in Room ****” said the sweetest voice on the other end of my cell phone. My heart dropped a bit. I explained that there had to be some mistake, I was moved back to my old classroom during summer school. My home. The only place I felt comfortable to be myself. But she insisted that it wasn’t a mistake. I thanked her and ended the call solemnly.

I had gone through a lot over the past couple years and the only place I could leave it all behind was at my job. I worked with a lovely group of women in a beautifully structured and organized classroom. These women we’re and still are like my sisters. They empower me and build me up on my weakest days. Knowing that I would have to spend another school year with out my support system shattered pieces of my soul. I felt like I was being bullied. Ever since my boyfriend left the school I had nothing but problems. I got submerged in the mass of chaos and negativity his teaching days left behind. He got out but I was left with the lions like a sheep trying to stay alive. I will never really understand how people who know nothing about you could try to break you down so low until you are nothing and feel okay about it. Thats what my job was doing to me.

 I began the school year feeling defeated. Not that I didn’t enjoy my new coworkers,  because I do. They are pretty amazing. But I wasn’t at home. I work with children who have autism. Its challenging but I wouldn’t trade my job for all the money in the world. In my old class I worked as a “communication diva”. I taught the children how to appropriately communicate. Hearing children speak their first words and blossom into these beautiful beings is a blessing that I adore. In my new class there wasn’t time for that. Most of our day is spent running around and putting out fires. I don’t get the joy of teaching anymore. By the time I get home Im emotionally and physically drained from all the commotion from the hours at work. I don’t want to talk or move because of all the noise that I had to endure throughout the day. I find myself stressed because my kiddos aren’t learning. These are critical years in an autistic childs life and I felt like I was a contributor to the lack of learning. My brother has autism so I can’t help but view these children as if they are him. Its hard to witness a sinking ship and not have enough man power to save it.

I was stressed everyday entering work and everyday leaving. Last week during recess one of my coworkers said,  “not my monkey,  not my zoo.” I let it sink in. This is not my problem. I cant control what is happening around me. I can’t encourage the administration to see that this isn’t working. But what I can do is come into work with a positive attitude. For some of these kids I might be the only love and compassion they receive in a day so why not be the brightest spark. So I came in the next day with a smile. I greeted my kiddos with a cheerful good morning and manifested for it to be a good day. There were a few bumps along the way but I left there this week determined to make this school year the best yet.

Monday morning Im going to walk onto campus with the widest smile. Im going to be positive if it kills me. I lost my way but I refuse to let this break me. Im going to nourish my friendships with my old coworkers. I will make time for them outside of work. I will spend my breaks and lunches with them catching up and laughing instead of venting and rants. My work days will be filled with laughter instead of anxiety. Some people will try to steer you from your path, but you can’t allow it. They can try, but I’m not a sheep anymore. I have to remind myself that I am Marjorie`s granddaughter and I am a Lion! I am on a spiritual journey and I am in the midst of an awakening. I think I needed those simple little words to become a mantra. “Not my monkey, not my zoo.”