The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

Fighting the good fight

As I read the text message I received from my mother telling me that my father was in jail I had a plethora of emotions take place inside of me.

The last time I saw him he was dressed in a soiled grey sweat suit with rips along the seams. He was homeless and on drugs. My body felt numb as I fought back the tears. Seeing your father like that is painful. I pulled over and tried to talk to him. As he struggled to get to his feet I noticed the dried blood on his pants. He whimpered solemnly that he had been hit by a car the day before. I panicked and called my mother. I needed someone’s help. I couldn’t handle this on my own. When she arrived he asked if we could get him some food and take him to the behavioral health center. My father felt like he had lost his mind. The car ride to the hospital felt like old times again. He was his happy joking self. We we’re a family for the short ten mins. It was nice. As we entered the glass automatic doors it was as if a switch turned on the rage and confusion inside him. I retrieved the paperwork and began answering the questions on behalf of my father. The answer he gave for the last question will forever be engraved in my mind….. What brings you in today?  “Rissy you know Dorothy and how she’s trapped in OZ? I feel like I’m trapped and I just want to go home. ” said my father. I began to cry. For 5 grueling hours I sat in the room with my father as he came in and out of sanity. I cringed with every hurtful thing he screamed. Finally they sedated him and we we’re asked to leave. That was the last time I saw my father. He was released after his 72 hour hold and I hadn’t seen him since.

With this call I felt at ease knowing he was safe and also out of the cold, but at the same time I felt discouraged. I realized in that moment that I can’t save him. This is his battle, not mine. This will be his fourth time being arrested for drug charges. I have a feeling he is going away for a long time. It puts a thousands bullets in my heart. I am on this amazing spiritual quest and I feel like every other week there is a new test. Im feeling like once i get over one rock another is thrown at me. Knowing that you can’t change someone is the hardest pain to bare. I can’t save him if he won’t accept my help. I feel like he is trapped in a rapid sea of waves and sharks and I’m right next to him begging him to grab ahold of the rope to the rescue boat.

On this journey Ive encountered a lot of opsticles and I’m scratching and fighting to survive them all. I didn’t know how tough I was until I looked at the amount of poop that is thrown my way and how i can still manage to wake up every morning with a smile. I am a divine amazing woman, with a heart as pure as gold. I understand that I cant change people, but I can pray. I can put positive vibes out into the world and hopefully they will reach the depths of my fathers soul that Im needing them to reach. Im feeling alone, like I’m slowly losing everyone Ive ever loved, but I cant let it weaken me. I can’t stop this journey. These blogs every week keep me motivated. They keep me strong.

I will not stop.

Sincerely Me

In my own form of a drought

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As I write to you Im sitting on a lush patch of green grass wet from the days rain. Im feeling calm and inspired while I listen to the pit pat of the raindrops as they fall so gracefully on my umbrella. Today I was feeling earthy. I had a sudden pull to leave my warm cozy sanctuary of a home and submerge myself into the outdoors. This journey has really opened up my inner earth Goddesses. I feel more inclined to go to the city and hike rather then shop.

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Today it is raining and I feel the need to be standing open armed in the rain. It feels warm as the droplets land on my skin. I feel at peace. Im in the middle of my spiritual awakening, I can feel the changes occur. I’ve been feeling peppy and motivated to stay in the here and now. I submerged myself into the river and let the rain fall onto me. It was a freeing and cleansing experience. As the water ran down my body I felt the negative experiences from prior weeks wash away. All the depression I had been feeling was no more. I feel refreshed and balanced for the week ahead.

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 Rain has a way of making things look refreshed and vibrant. It allows things to grow, it nourishes the soil. Just like the trees I was amongst today I to am feel empowered and uplifted by these energizing droplets.

Sincerely me

With A Few Simple Words

“Hello, Marissa. Yes this is ****** school district. You will be starting the year off in Room ****” said the sweetest voice on the other end of my cell phone. My heart dropped a bit. I explained that there had to be some mistake, I was moved back to my old classroom during summer school. My home. The only place I felt comfortable to be myself. But she insisted that it wasn’t a mistake. I thanked her and ended the call solemnly.

I had gone through a lot over the past couple years and the only place I could leave it all behind was at my job. I worked with a lovely group of women in a beautifully structured and organized classroom. These women we’re and still are like my sisters. They empower me and build me up on my weakest days. Knowing that I would have to spend another school year with out my support system shattered pieces of my soul. I felt like I was being bullied. Ever since my boyfriend left the school I had nothing but problems. I got submerged in the mass of chaos and negativity his teaching days left behind. He got out but I was left with the lions like a sheep trying to stay alive. I will never really understand how people who know nothing about you could try to break you down so low until you are nothing and feel okay about it. Thats what my job was doing to me.

 I began the school year feeling defeated. Not that I didn’t enjoy my new coworkers,  because I do. They are pretty amazing. But I wasn’t at home. I work with children who have autism. Its challenging but I wouldn’t trade my job for all the money in the world. In my old class I worked as a “communication diva”. I taught the children how to appropriately communicate. Hearing children speak their first words and blossom into these beautiful beings is a blessing that I adore. In my new class there wasn’t time for that. Most of our day is spent running around and putting out fires. I don’t get the joy of teaching anymore. By the time I get home Im emotionally and physically drained from all the commotion from the hours at work. I don’t want to talk or move because of all the noise that I had to endure throughout the day. I find myself stressed because my kiddos aren’t learning. These are critical years in an autistic childs life and I felt like I was a contributor to the lack of learning. My brother has autism so I can’t help but view these children as if they are him. Its hard to witness a sinking ship and not have enough man power to save it.

I was stressed everyday entering work and everyday leaving. Last week during recess one of my coworkers said,  “not my monkey,  not my zoo.” I let it sink in. This is not my problem. I cant control what is happening around me. I can’t encourage the administration to see that this isn’t working. But what I can do is come into work with a positive attitude. For some of these kids I might be the only love and compassion they receive in a day so why not be the brightest spark. So I came in the next day with a smile. I greeted my kiddos with a cheerful good morning and manifested for it to be a good day. There were a few bumps along the way but I left there this week determined to make this school year the best yet.

Monday morning Im going to walk onto campus with the widest smile. Im going to be positive if it kills me. I lost my way but I refuse to let this break me. Im going to nourish my friendships with my old coworkers. I will make time for them outside of work. I will spend my breaks and lunches with them catching up and laughing instead of venting and rants. My work days will be filled with laughter instead of anxiety. Some people will try to steer you from your path, but you can’t allow it. They can try, but I’m not a sheep anymore. I have to remind myself that I am Marjorie`s granddaughter and I am a Lion! I am on a spiritual journey and I am in the midst of an awakening. I think I needed those simple little words to become a mantra. “Not my monkey, not my zoo.”