Back on Track

Back on Track

Since the days of my Evo training I’ve been scared and vulnerable when entering the new world around me. For those of you who don’t know I finally took the step and attended a sort of spiritual emotionally healing training a couple weekends ago. Entering the training I wasn’t sure of what to expect. I thought it was going to be a lot of chanting and meditation; However I was wrong. This training was so life changing I wish I never had to leave. We went in as strangers and left as a family. I myself left so ready to take on the world around me with my new found tools. I felt a switch turn on inside me and I was ready to heal.

During the training we worked on anger, trama, and many other things. Things I won’t ruin for you in case you ever have the amazing opportunity to take the course, which I will say a million times over, has changed my life. From previous blogs you all know how I’ve felt hurt and betrayed by several people, I’ve also experienced a lot of loss that I felt I’d never be able to heal from. Since taking this training I can say those portions of my life I’m feeling much better about.

I see things a little differently now. I’m attempting to not get so angry and hurt by people and their actions. I tell myself I have a choice for it to affect me or not. It’s really been helping me. Before I would allow myself to be so hurt and affected by people and tge things they did or said to me. Now I just keep it out of my bubble. I’m feeling much happier and the people around me can tell that I’ve had a spiritual shift. It feels amazing to be back on track.

Some updates:

1) operation manifesting a little mess has began again so love and baby dust sent our way is much needed❤

2) I’m available again for any help you guys might need along your journey. My email is theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

3) medication free again. Since the training I’ve stopped taking my anxiety and depression medication and I’m feeling much better. I don’t recommend you do so without discussing it with your doctor or medical professional. But for me it’s the choice I’ve had to make.

4)  Still vegan and going strong. It could have a lot to do with the better state of mind I’m in as well.

In closing I want you to all know I enjoy getting your emails and hearing from you. It’s nice to be so supported and encouraged. I hope the nest for all of you along your spiritual quest.

Back on Track

Cleaning the kitchen and I see a beautiful purple looking vine coming from my black wire rack where I store my fruits and vegetables. As I get down closer I notice that it’s sprouted from my sweet potatoes. I began to feel the imaginary ants crawling all over my body. Tingles and feeling of total disgust and paranoia set in. I immediately feel the need to shower. No amount of soap or antibacterial sanitizer can make me feel clean enough to leave to sanctuary I have created in my bathroom. 

I have extreme anxiety that is often set off by things that should just not be. Example: sprouted potatoes, tiny wholes, the separation in my hardwood flooring, the list is endless. I am usually good at keeping the feelings away except when I am in a depressed state. My depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I have not really been able to keep the depression at bay since the pregnancy. I have good days and bad days and then there is a whole lot of days when I’m just trying to keep my shit together.

I embarked on this journey of trying to find my inner peace, my zen, my spiritual quest I like to refer to it as  I believe last summer. It was going swimmingly. I had finally found my peace of mind and was doing great. No pills, not so many days of depression, and I was finally feeling like my old self. Then I found out I was pregnant and it wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. As much as I scratch and claw my way out I just keep slipping back down. A couple nights ago I was rereading some of my old posts and noticed a key to why my journey was so successful in the beginning. My intentions!!! I wrote out some things I was trying to manifest and I read them several times a day. I was also listening to The Power of Now and a book called The Map which really kept me motivated and educated. 

After this incident I am tired. I’m tired of having to lock myself in the confines of my bathroom, sitting covered in as much soap as I could possibly lather, on my shower floor while the water trickles down my body. Hours of my day lost until the anxiety subsides. I am ready to be the person I set out to be. So my promise to you, my lovely readers is to start our lovely Manifest Mondays up again. That means a new blog every Monday. Also I will start reading my intentions again. I want to help educate you all again on the miraculous begins we are! I will continue to be real, uncensored, and up front with you all every step of the way. We all have our days. We’re human right. I will not give up on the process.

Sincerely Me

Don’t forget what you deserve 

“You’re stupid if you think this is going to make a difference.” Negative clouds have been casted over me lately. With every quick check at my labels to ensure I’m not consuming any animal products I get a look, criticism, or a chuckle. Since becoming vegan I’ve been catching a lot of heat from people around me. A fluid exchange of words have turned it bullets and daggers of differencing opinions. When did being different turn into a bad thing?

In life we all encounter people who enjoy the argument, the gossip, or just making people feel plain old shitty. I’ve equipped myself with love and light when it comes to dealing with people like this, but with me changing my lifestyle so drastically I’ve been like a toilet just waiting for the negative critics to squat down and shit. We’ve all been there. You can’t ever be good enough for everyone, sometimes you just have to own who you are and be yourself. People are going to say what they want to say, but you don’t have to tolerate it. Below are some of my ways of handling, coping, and dealing with negative clouds not producing any colorful rainbows in your life.

1) Say how you feel about what the person is saying without playing the victim role. Be matter of fact and to the point. You don’t have to play into the theatrics.

2) If you have stated to these certain people who you feel about their actions and they continue to act with disrespect, distance yourself.
Example: I was really close with a girl. Extremely good friends, somethings transpired that deeply hurt my feelings, I never received an apology. I began to set boundaries. I stopped coming around. Only when it was a must did I see her. I began to feel better because I wasn’t lowering myself and allowing someone to treat me poorly.

3) Don’t allow them to pretend like nothing happened. A lot of times when people wrong you, they will drop it and pretend everything is okay. Do not allow people to do this. You are showing them that they are able to say or do whatever they want to you and the next day things will be fine. You need people who are going to raise your vibration, people who are willing to right their wrongs.

4) On days when I’m feeling overwhelmed by the words and actions of others I meditate. A good 10 to 15 mins is all I really need, but it can vary from person to person. It just allows me to get back into the now and focus on my journey.

5) Get it out. Don’t hold back how you are feeling. If you don’t think in that moment you can justly and calmly express yourself. Tell them you are upset and would like to take a minute to regroup so you don’t say something you don’t mean.

Remember you are an extraordinary human. You deserve love, respect, and kindness. You don’t have to allow people to say things that hurt you in anyway. Big or small. 

You find out who your friends are

These past couple months I have relied on the support and love of my friends. I have leaned on them and used many as a crutch when I could no longer walk. Many days I felt as if my life was over and I was just navigating through a dream that I couldn’t wake from. Without many of them I don’t think I would be able to smile on most days.

When I found out I was going to be having a baby I told a handful of people I considered to be my close friends. They were supportive at the time and I felt happy to know that my baby would be entering this world so loved! It’s not until you go through something hard in life that you really find out who loves you unconditionally. When I lost the baby a lot of people I considered to be a big part of my world forgot how to be human. They stopped checking on me, never asked how I was doing, and became people I once knew. I felt alone. We all have experience heart-break from a love lost, but imagine a group of people breaking your heart all at once. I was so depressed, I found comfort in my boyfriend and depended on him to give me guidance. He expressed to me how I should not worry about those people because if I didn’t matter to them, they shouldn’t matter to me. It wasn’t until then that I started to really notice the lovely souls around me.

I have never felt so blessed during such a hard time. I have two amazing people who I have the pleasure to see Monday through Friday for a majority of my day, they have been my humor, my strength, my backbone on days that I didn’t think I would be able to make it through a work day. I am so happy to call them my friends. I have an amazing person who greats me everyday before work with a smile, even for the short walk we have to the sign in office i feel the love and compassion. I have 3 of the most amazing woman who I call my best friends. They have been there for me no matter what time it is day or night just to hear me out no matter how crazy the conversation might be. I have a gracious and kind-hearted boyfriend that has taken the brunt of my pain and stifled away his own just to help me heal. When your busy looking at all the bad in your life, you tend to miss out on a lot of the good. I was so busy worrying about the friends that I had lost I wasnt paying attention to the ones I had gained.

Before the loss of my beautiful angel I was on this magical journey of self discovering, spiritual healing, and enlightenment. I learned amazing techniques on how to channel my positive energy and really manifest something great, but with all the hurt I had been experiencing I lost sight of that. I am grateful for the support I have gotten these past couple months because without it I don’t think I would have survived. It was a lot of little things that amazing people did for me that helped me focus on the one big thing….I am alive! I have suffered from something traumatic, but I made it out alive. I have to keep living. That doesn’t mean waking up everyday and doing things the same way I did them before, it means loving each day and the people I get the share it with. You only get this one life, don’t waste it on people who you mean nothing to. Cherish the ones who make your energy vibrate stronger.

My Little Mess

Faking smiles as my friends around me announce details about their pregnancies. Inside I want to cry. This was supposed to be something we can share in together, yet I’m envious of the months they still have. 9 long months they gripe. I laugh it off, inside screaming I wish I had this empty womb filled with uncomfortable kicks, pokes, and pain I could cherish. With every picture and video of their sweet babies I break a little inside. The look of joy on their faces wishing I could share in these moments of my own.

When you have a miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, early pregnancy loss you feel the obligation to keep it hush hush. Don’t make anyone feel uncomfortable I tell myself. It’s taboo to speak about. You start to feel alone. While everyone is speaking about the baby they will have soon, you’re mourning the one you lost. The idea of closure seems so unobtainable. How can you move on when you never got to know your baby? The social norm for talks of being a mother to a baby you have no proof ever existed is no existent. You don’t see posts on social media about it because to most mothers who have heald and swaddled their babies we are not mothers is the full sense of the word. I feel I needed validation in the beginning that I am indeed a mother. Not because I needed to be a part of some exclusive club, but because I wanted to make sure I preserved my babies existence. My baby was real. On mothers day I had an overwhelming amount of friends tell me Happy Mothers Day. It made my whole day. It was like they were sending little hugs to my baby in heaven with their kind words and support.

A couple nights ago I dreamt everything all over again. Every excruciating detail. Instead this time I got to see you. I just remember thinking God she’s beautiful! You had my nose and lips. It was only a ultrasound picture, but in my dream I treasured it dearly. When I awoke I felt empty. I begged my brain to hush and allow me to sleep and dream of you once again, but the pain kept me awake. The whole day I felt lost. I longed for that picture.

I don’t know when this is going to get easier. I try to trick myself with a cocktail of Prozac and wine that I’m okay. The depression sets in and I feel lost. Caressing an empty womb as if you were there once again. I can’t express the pain I feel in verbal sentences. It gets distorted and I attempt to laugh it off while inside I feel like I’m dying. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted these days. The doctor told me to give it some time for the wounds to heal and the Prozac to take over. I feel every laugh forced and every smile smeared across is so easily read as a fake. I’m not a hugger, I’ve never been into hugs unless I’m the one initiating them, but lately I find myself wishing for them. Just that embrace makes the pain hurt a little less, even if just for a moment. I’m taking it day by day, praying for a miracle. My heart just feels broken these days. I’m looking for the light at the end of this storm.

When I started this blog, the original reason was to track my spiritual journey. I titled it “Manifesting a Little Mess” it was a play on the nickname my family had given me when I was a little girl. “Mess” my uncle coined me. Now this blog has grown into something much deeper. I’ve really been able to find myself along this past year leading me up to the point where I literally was Manifesting a little mess…. a little me. A baby. I’m now embarking on healing from all this chaos and trying to produce another Mess, not a replacement, just another.

You hit like a ………

Cleaning my room the other day I came across my first hospital bracelet. The first time it was confirmed that I was pregnant with her and also that I was losing her. It brought back a rush of emotions. I packed it away in her memory box. In our hearts, the ones who loved my little bird so much, she was a she from the beginning. I think that’s something that makes it easier. You have all these unanswered questions when you lose a child in early pregnancy. Whats the gender? What would it have looked like?  But if you start to imagine your baby, healing becomes easier.

Ive been beyond depressed with everything that has transpired. I don’t want to leave my bed, I dont want to see friends, being around children is extremely excruciating. Its a pain I havent felt before. I had been avoiding my doctors visits and refusing blood draws because it meant number one, I would have to be in a waiting room full of new and expecting mothers and number two…… seeing my hcg levels drop would mean you were really gone.

Last Friday I finally went in and my levels were decreasing as expected. I broke down. They sent me to see the counselor. I could barely get a word out between the tears and trying to catch my breath. She told me I was severely depressed. “Ya think”, I thought. She recommended I take some time off from work and really work on getting better, but to me work helps. Its a routine. It forces me to get up and put a smile on no matter how fake. She prescribed me some prozac and told me she wants to see me every Friday. Leaving there I couldn’t help but think about something she had said. “You’re sick”, she said, “depression is like any other disease. If you had cancer would you refuse to see a doctor? No you would get treatment so you can get better. Marissa, I want to help you get better and I want you to want this as well. Its not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. ” Before losing my baby I was doing better. I was working on becoming a better me. I set off on a spiritual journey of self improvement and enlightenment. I was happy. I was able to combate my bipolar mania and depression with meditation, yoga, blogging, reading, and manifesting. I was active in my friends lives. Now I’ve lost all that and have distanced myself from the ones I love.

My friend recently sent me a picture

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It has inspired me to do better. To feel better. In no way will I ever forget the fact that I was once pregnant with a beautiful baby. It doesn’t take away from the fact that I AM A MOTHER. I’m just a mommy to a beautiful Angel baby who lives in heaven. Growing up I always said I wanted to be the best mom I could be for my child. I can’t be a good mom to anyone if I am so sad that I can’t even find the strength to brush my hair on some days. I will not plant my roots in this depressing state I’m in. I will fight on. Its not going to be easy and I know that, but I’ve got some great people willing to help carry me when I cant stand to walk anymore. Im gonna be okay.

Lead me out of the darkness

“You’re stronger than this” people keep telling me,  “You’ve gone through worse.” But inside I know I’m not. Im weak. Inside im screaming “SAVE ME!” “PLEASE JUST HOLD ME!” “DONT LEAVE ME!” I feel like piece by piece I’m breaking away.

These past couple years I have been hit with so much. Im on the edge being pushed further and further to falling with every horrid experience. This…… this was my last amount of happiness. I wanted you!  I wished and prayed and dreamt of you every second of every day! Nobody in this world could want anything as much as I wanted you. And now I have to chose…… Chose between risking my own life in some miracle attempt to save yours.

Waiting in the hospital room for the oncologist to deliver the methotrexate I almost left several times. Your father, the reasonable one kept me sane and grounded. “How could I do this to you?” I asked him. I am your mother and you are my little baby. I was sent to this world to protect you and I am here with some horrible twist of fate to “dissolve” you as if that medical term couldn’t stab me harder then the needles they used for every blood draw. I wanted you. We wanted you. On February 3 I never could have thought that I’d be losing you in this way.

When they told me I was having a misscarriage a couple weeks prior I died inside. I attempted to mourn and rebuild my psyche. It was a hard thing knowing God had called you home. But this is something different. This is me taking your life. “Im a murder” I keep thinking in that cold room with the curtains drawn. I am about to murder my baby. I was supposed to protect you. But I couldn’t do that.

In my brain I have ran through a million options. A) I keep you growing in hopes of some miracle you make your way to where you should be and I live.  B) I continue to let you grow, my tube ruptures and I die or lose it and you. The list goes on. But in the end the only real option I had was this one.

This is when the depression consumes me. When I follow my sadness into the darkness. I don’t know how to be normal anymore. Eye contact stabs so deep I feel paralyzed. The mundane ritual of social interaction becomes to much to bare. I just want to isolate myself, in my room, on my bed, alone with my thoughts. But what I need is much different. I need to be pulled and shaken out of these depths I’ve fallen so deep into. I need someone, anyone to hug me and tell me I’m not alone as they hold my hand and walk me out of the somber state. I feel like I’m begging, pleading, screaming on the inside with every fake smile…. Every “I’m okay”……  every forced laugh “please help me feel okay again”

How do you come out of a situation like this unchanged?  No damage done? You can’t. I need a break from life, from work, from societies callous words. I feel the love and support from my friends and family, but I need help. A million hugs, a million you will be okay, a million ounces of love. I need to know that all this was for something. The confused, frustrated, feelings behind it all to be validated. I wanted to be a mother…… am I still a mother? How do I heal? So many unanswered questions. And no formal way to say goodbye.

My baby you’ll be….

Ive been dreading this moment. The moment when I can longer cling to the hope that by some miracle you could still be growing in my belly into my beautiful little baby. As my body contracts trying to release any piece I have left of you I weep. Weep for the Christmas I won’t share with you, the first birthday, the first moment I feel you kick. It is my job to keep you safe. I am your mother and by some sick twisted fate it is my body that is killing you. The pain I am feeling is worth every excruciating moment. It lets me know you were real, you existed. You were and forever will be my baby.

As I sit in the egg shell colored bath, submerged in a heap of bubbles I rub my stomach and sing to you. The same german nursery rhymes your nana above sang to me and will continue to sing to you when you meet her in heaven. I hope you don’t feel pain. I guess that’s the beauty of being 4 weeks as morbid as it might be. As the tears fall I imagine you stroking my cheek and telling me everything is going to be okay.

The days that will follow won’t be the same. I will continue to move through life as normal as normal could possibly be after a ordeal like this. I will return to work with a smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside. People will try to console me with “you’re in a better place” “at least i know i can get pregnat” “you can always try again” not knowing that those cliche words ignorantly thrown together in a sad excuse of condolance are far from what i want to hear at the moment. The only piece of sufficient help i need these days is a hug. A piece of me was taken away to heaven with you my little bean.

Seeing your cousins won’t have the same joy it used to. More like a sad reminder that you should be here. I saw your cousin Gianna Friday. She would have loved you. As I looked at her sweet face as we played with her legos together I imagined you beside us. Laughing and pretending alongside us. You guys would have been inseparable like me and your aunt Brittany. I wanted to mention you to her, but she’s to little to understand. When I am with her I will cherish her more now I think. I imagine you would have had her quirky personality.

I will try again, but not for another you. Not a replacement. But for a little brother or sister for you. Your memory will live on through them. I will always wonder if you would have resembled them. I will speak of you to them. I got a bear made the day after I found out I would be losing you. It gives me comfort. I take it everywhere. When we have another baby I will let them have it. So they to have a piece of their older sibling. You will still have the duties and responsibility that comes along with the title. Make sure to steer them in the right direction. You will be their protector just as I protect your uncle Marcus. The only difference is you will do it from a special place called heaven.

Every morning I wake up with sore breasts. The sickening reminder that I was once pregnant and lost a child is smeared in my face everyday. I have nauseous sensations randomly throughout the day. I asked the doctors if they were certain you were gone. They repeated the same line I heard once before. With the slow dropping levels I will still experience these symptoms until you and any reminisce are no more.

You are on my mind in all that I do. Every day to day routine is full of thoughts of you. You keep me fighting these days. I bring you up often. I never wonder if people are tired of hearing about you. Your aunt Ris has been my biggest supporter. Shes gone through this with her two babies as well. As for now we are left loving you from a far and it has to be good enough for now.

Fading Blue Lines

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February 3, 2016 was the happiest day of my life. As me and your daddy drove to get a new board game he had been wanting for sometime, my thoughts were focused on you. With his hand on my stomach and both our brains wrapped around the beautiful future we would have with you I couldn’t help but worry. The spotting had begun that morning but all my research said it was normal. I tried to manifest the best life with you such an healthy and amazing pregnancy I kept saying inside my head. That day was the happiest day of my life and every day since I knew you existed.

It was January 28th. I woke up feeling different. Fluttered feelings were growing inside my tummy. We had been trying to conceive but the tests I took four days earlier were big fat negatives. My period came, or so I thought so I believed I missed out this month. When my period ended 3 days early I thought maybe I should test again. So while I rushed to get ready for work I took a test and left out the door. I assumed it would be the same one blue line I had been seeing so I didn’t stay to see the heartbreaking results. I went about my day as normal. When I got home I still didn’t think to check the test. Your daddy came home and we began doing some yard work.  at 6:08 pm on January 28th I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and remembered “oh the test!” I looked in the window sill where I had set it and saw two blue lines!  I had this whole precious way of announcing it to your father but I couldn’t control myself. I ran into the backyard and yelled over the hum of the lawnmower, “I’m pregnant.” I was gripping that test with all my might. I don’t think he believed me because he just smiled and kept about his business. I ran over to him and showed him. Your father is a funny guy. He said something snarky and I told him I would test again. I took 3 more that night and all positive. My heart began to sing.
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That night we told your Uncle Doug and David. You are so loved. When we went to sleep I slept with my hand touching my stomach so softly and imagining our beautiful future. The next couple days were full of talks about you and how we would announce it to everyone. I told your adopted grandmother and one of my good friends. They were both so happy for me. Every time I saw them they smiled. The handful of people I told were happy for me. They knew how long I waited for you. Everyday just kept getting better and better.

On Thursday the bleeding increased. I began to cramp. I tried to get through work but 2 o clock came and I couldn’t stand it. I turned to my friend Hannah amd told her what was happening. She told me to go. The drive to the ER I didn’t think I would be told that I would never get to see your beautiful face. I tried to keep my thoughts positive as they oked and dug in my veins trying to find a way to fill the veil. The pain I went through those 5 hours was worth it because I thought I’d be receiving good news. The emergency room was full of of people,  but I felt alone like it was just me and you. I held my tummy and tried to show you all the love I could. Waiting for the results of my levels felt like I was waiting on a death sentence.
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On Thursday February 4th,  2016 was one of the worst days of my life. I went home and cried most of the night. A rollercoaster of hope and grief filled my heart. I held on to the thought of you waiting for my level retest on Saturday to confirm the fact that I would be childless.

I never got to hear your heartbeat, never got to see if you would have my eyes, but I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this whole world. I leaned on the support of your aunts Channa and Caitlyn, they helped me see that you were just to beautiful for this world. Your Aunt Marisa said it best, you are not alone. You will be held so tight by your great Nana and your two cousins in heaven. They will show you all the love we wish we could have showed you here on earth. You were only known for a short while but I will love you every second I’m alive. God were you loved down here. I will send you love, kisses, and hugs everyday. I was pregnant for a handful of days that i knew of and they were the most magical, emotional, days I’ve ever experienced. I will hold my stomach as I talk to you and imagine phantom kicks. You’re our angel. I love you my sweet precious baby. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, you made me a mommy.

Appreciate the little things

In our day to day lives we take little things for granted. Human interaction, having a cozy bed to sleep on, and even the luxury of taking a nice warm shower everyday. Over the past 2 years my shower has had a slowly growing crack. It had gotten worse over the past couple months. Finally the property management sent someone out to fix it. For over a week I was without a shower. Without a bathroom for half the day. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. My uncle lives right next door so showering shouldn’t be a problem. But the day they tore it out I realized I was wrong.

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I deal with a lot of stress. My job, my personal life, my family…. Its stressful. I have my own self care routine in place and never really understood that I did until I couldn’t shower in my own home. The days felt like they dragged on for years. I felt as if my hone was not my home. I was confined in my prison of a bedroom waiting every day desperately for an all clear on the bathroom.  Every day was torturous. I was definitely not my new and improved self. I was on edge, I felt dirty no matter how many times I showered at my uncle’s, I was depressed. Not being able to shower when I needed to relax and unwind was draining the positive emotions right out of me.

After over a week of this mayhem we got a brand new shower installed. I stepped into the egg shell white colored shower, feeling a little unfamiliar with this new addition to my bathroom I felt around becoming more acquainted with the off and on mechanism. The sound of the water hitting the side panel was a nice introduction for the glorious feeling that was ahead. As the warm water ran down the top of my head and trickled down my back and shoulders I felt a thousand pounds of stress flowing down the drain with it. I let my brain run through everything that had been stressing me over the past week. Releasing it with every pit pat  drip drop that spewed from the shower head. Closing my eyes as I lathered my hair with my shampoo, I pictured me being able to do this every day to come. As my shower came to an end I felt a brand new and ready to conquer anything once again.

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I don’t think I ever really thought of having a shower in your home as a important thing until I didnt have one. It sounds so silly.  Having anxiety and depression issues I have just come accustomed to being able to take my alone time in the shower. Regaining peace of mind with ever time I step out.