My baby you’ll be….

Ive been dreading this moment. The moment when I can longer cling to the hope that by some miracle you could still be growing in my belly into my beautiful little baby. As my body contracts trying to release any piece I have left of you I weep. Weep for the Christmas I won’t share with you, the first birthday, the first moment I feel you kick. It is my job to keep you safe. I am your mother and by some sick twisted fate it is my body that is killing you. The pain I am feeling is worth every excruciating moment. It lets me know you were real, you existed. You were and forever will be my baby.

As I sit in the egg shell colored bath, submerged in a heap of bubbles I rub my stomach and sing to you. The same german nursery rhymes your nana above sang to me and will continue to sing to you when you meet her in heaven. I hope you don’t feel pain. I guess that’s the beauty of being 4 weeks as morbid as it might be. As the tears fall I imagine you stroking my cheek and telling me everything is going to be okay.

The days that will follow won’t be the same. I will continue to move through life as normal as normal could possibly be after a ordeal like this. I will return to work with a smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside. People will try to console me with “you’re in a better place” “at least i know i can get pregnat” “you can always try again” not knowing that those cliche words ignorantly thrown together in a sad excuse of condolance are far from what i want to hear at the moment. The only piece of sufficient help i need these days is a hug. A piece of me was taken away to heaven with you my little bean.

Seeing your cousins won’t have the same joy it used to. More like a sad reminder that you should be here. I saw your cousin Gianna Friday. She would have loved you. As I looked at her sweet face as we played with her legos together I imagined you beside us. Laughing and pretending alongside us. You guys would have been inseparable like me and your aunt Brittany. I wanted to mention you to her, but she’s to little to understand. When I am with her I will cherish her more now I think. I imagine you would have had her quirky personality.

I will try again, but not for another you. Not a replacement. But for a little brother or sister for you. Your memory will live on through them. I will always wonder if you would have resembled them. I will speak of you to them. I got a bear made the day after I found out I would be losing you. It gives me comfort. I take it everywhere. When we have another baby I will let them have it. So they to have a piece of their older sibling. You will still have the duties and responsibility that comes along with the title. Make sure to steer them in the right direction. You will be their protector just as I protect your uncle Marcus. The only difference is you will do it from a special place called heaven.

Every morning I wake up with sore breasts. The sickening reminder that I was once pregnant and lost a child is smeared in my face everyday. I have nauseous sensations randomly throughout the day. I asked the doctors if they were certain you were gone. They repeated the same line I heard once before. With the slow dropping levels I will still experience these symptoms until you and any reminisce are no more.

You are on my mind in all that I do. Every day to day routine is full of thoughts of you. You keep me fighting these days. I bring you up often. I never wonder if people are tired of hearing about you. Your aunt Ris has been my biggest supporter. Shes gone through this with her two babies as well. As for now we are left loving you from a far and it has to be good enough for now.

Fading Blue Lines

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February 3, 2016 was the happiest day of my life. As me and your daddy drove to get a new board game he had been wanting for sometime, my thoughts were focused on you. With his hand on my stomach and both our brains wrapped around the beautiful future we would have with you I couldn’t help but worry. The spotting had begun that morning but all my research said it was normal. I tried to manifest the best life with you such an healthy and amazing pregnancy I kept saying inside my head. That day was the happiest day of my life and every day since I knew you existed.

It was January 28th. I woke up feeling different. Fluttered feelings were growing inside my tummy. We had been trying to conceive but the tests I took four days earlier were big fat negatives. My period came, or so I thought so I believed I missed out this month. When my period ended 3 days early I thought maybe I should test again. So while I rushed to get ready for work I took a test and left out the door. I assumed it would be the same one blue line I had been seeing so I didn’t stay to see the heartbreaking results. I went about my day as normal. When I got home I still didn’t think to check the test. Your daddy came home and we began doing some yard work.  at 6:08 pm on January 28th I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and remembered “oh the test!” I looked in the window sill where I had set it and saw two blue lines!  I had this whole precious way of announcing it to your father but I couldn’t control myself. I ran into the backyard and yelled over the hum of the lawnmower, “I’m pregnant.” I was gripping that test with all my might. I don’t think he believed me because he just smiled and kept about his business. I ran over to him and showed him. Your father is a funny guy. He said something snarky and I told him I would test again. I took 3 more that night and all positive. My heart began to sing.
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That night we told your Uncle Doug and David. You are so loved. When we went to sleep I slept with my hand touching my stomach so softly and imagining our beautiful future. The next couple days were full of talks about you and how we would announce it to everyone. I told your adopted grandmother and one of my good friends. They were both so happy for me. Every time I saw them they smiled. The handful of people I told were happy for me. They knew how long I waited for you. Everyday just kept getting better and better.

On Thursday the bleeding increased. I began to cramp. I tried to get through work but 2 o clock came and I couldn’t stand it. I turned to my friend Hannah amd told her what was happening. She told me to go. The drive to the ER I didn’t think I would be told that I would never get to see your beautiful face. I tried to keep my thoughts positive as they oked and dug in my veins trying to find a way to fill the veil. The pain I went through those 5 hours was worth it because I thought I’d be receiving good news. The emergency room was full of of people,  but I felt alone like it was just me and you. I held my tummy and tried to show you all the love I could. Waiting for the results of my levels felt like I was waiting on a death sentence.
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On Thursday February 4th,  2016 was one of the worst days of my life. I went home and cried most of the night. A rollercoaster of hope and grief filled my heart. I held on to the thought of you waiting for my level retest on Saturday to confirm the fact that I would be childless.

I never got to hear your heartbeat, never got to see if you would have my eyes, but I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anything in this whole world. I leaned on the support of your aunts Channa and Caitlyn, they helped me see that you were just to beautiful for this world. Your Aunt Marisa said it best, you are not alone. You will be held so tight by your great Nana and your two cousins in heaven. They will show you all the love we wish we could have showed you here on earth. You were only known for a short while but I will love you every second I’m alive. God were you loved down here. I will send you love, kisses, and hugs everyday. I was pregnant for a handful of days that i knew of and they were the most magical, emotional, days I’ve ever experienced. I will hold my stomach as I talk to you and imagine phantom kicks. You’re our angel. I love you my sweet precious baby. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for, you made me a mommy.

Appreciate the little things

In our day to day lives we take little things for granted. Human interaction, having a cozy bed to sleep on, and even the luxury of taking a nice warm shower everyday. Over the past 2 years my shower has had a slowly growing crack. It had gotten worse over the past couple months. Finally the property management sent someone out to fix it. For over a week I was without a shower. Without a bathroom for half the day. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. My uncle lives right next door so showering shouldn’t be a problem. But the day they tore it out I realized I was wrong.

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I deal with a lot of stress. My job, my personal life, my family…. Its stressful. I have my own self care routine in place and never really understood that I did until I couldn’t shower in my own home. The days felt like they dragged on for years. I felt as if my hone was not my home. I was confined in my prison of a bedroom waiting every day desperately for an all clear on the bathroom.  Every day was torturous. I was definitely not my new and improved self. I was on edge, I felt dirty no matter how many times I showered at my uncle’s, I was depressed. Not being able to shower when I needed to relax and unwind was draining the positive emotions right out of me.

After over a week of this mayhem we got a brand new shower installed. I stepped into the egg shell white colored shower, feeling a little unfamiliar with this new addition to my bathroom I felt around becoming more acquainted with the off and on mechanism. The sound of the water hitting the side panel was a nice introduction for the glorious feeling that was ahead. As the warm water ran down the top of my head and trickled down my back and shoulders I felt a thousand pounds of stress flowing down the drain with it. I let my brain run through everything that had been stressing me over the past week. Releasing it with every pit pat  drip drop that spewed from the shower head. Closing my eyes as I lathered my hair with my shampoo, I pictured me being able to do this every day to come. As my shower came to an end I felt a brand new and ready to conquer anything once again.

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I don’t think I ever really thought of having a shower in your home as a important thing until I didnt have one. It sounds so silly.  Having anxiety and depression issues I have just come accustomed to being able to take my alone time in the shower. Regaining peace of mind with ever time I step out.

The New Me

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As I sit on my freshly washed linen engulfing my mattress I think to myself how far I’ve come this year. Ive conquered so much, beyond more than I ever imagined I could. It all started with a little tingle while staring out into the sky at my boyfriends aunts farm. I knew in that moment that I didn’t want to continue living life the same way. Sometimes you’re just sitting in your car or in the shower, anywhere, and you get a feeling like this isn’t where you are supposed to be. I got mine sitting on a copper colored chair while drinking coffee at a glass table and staring up at the sky.
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Im going to take this weeks Manifest Monday to update you on how the journey is going so far. Its been awhile since I’ve spoke about the different things I’ve attempted in order to live a happier life.

The infamous facebook, awhile ago I wrote about how I deleted it. I recently reactivated it. Its going good. I deleted everyone and slowly started increasing my friends. Now I’m friends with people who contribute to my life in a positive and productive manner. Ive joined some groups and I talk with people who are on the same journey as me. Before I used Facebook as a time filler, now I use it as a tool. It helps inspire me. My friends reach out and let me know I am not alone in this quest.

Operation have a baby took a holiday. It became overwhelming and i encountered some personal problems that I wanted to heal before I continued. One of them being the cluter I have in my 3 bedroom home. I began living like a minimalist. I no longer buy things just to buy them. Everything I have serves a purpose. Im still working on de-cluttering, but I can say its much better.

Another reason I took a break from baby making is because I wanted to forgive people. I want my unborn child to have so much love, family, and support they don’t know what to do with it all. I set out on forgiving my mother. My mother and I have a lot of damage, but I forgive her. Im not saying that it is okay for people to hurt you and break you as she did me, but its better for your well being to forgive people. I didn’t want to bring a child into this world while I still had hate in my heart. I was a child used as collateral and I dont want to be that type of parent. As long as you are a positive influence in my childs life, you can remain there. Forgiveness has made my heart so full again.

The relationship with my family is mending, but still rocky. Ive learned the patterns of when things are escalating and I become silent. I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to. That has been the most beneficial mantra. I have been filled with so much hate and anger over these years and with tears in my eyes as I type this it feels so remarkable to say I no longer feel that way. The way I handle and resolve my conflicts are so different from how I used to. I am honest with my feelings, I humble myself, I accept any part I had in the issue at hand, I remain calm.

This journey has been one of the greatest years. Its been full of chaos, but I’ve never felt so much love. Love from the Smith family. They embraced me during my weakest time and made me one of their own. Love from my room 5 and 22 coworkers who support me and let me cry, vent, and just be myself. Love from my students who make me feel like I am important to someone. Love from my friends who without id be lost. And love from all of you. Every time I receive an email, a like, a share, a new follower I feel the support. It brings a smile to my face and makes my heart feel so full beyond words.

I am happy to bring in the new year with all of you. 2016 I would like to take you guys on this journey with me. A journey of your own, but I will help you every step of the way. I want you guys to feel the change that I am experiencing. Its worth every step.

Do No Harm

Covering my head with the small plastic bag filled with the coffee cup I had just purchased I made my way to my car. I noticed an older looking gentleman with coke-bottle thick glasses looking in the direction of my vehicle. He had a smile on his face and his arms were crossed as he was leaning back on one leg. He looked pleased with something. As I got closer to approaching my vehicle the man stopped me. “Do no harm,” he said with a twinkle in his eye as he pointed at the crooked bumper sticker on the back of my car. He began to engage in a conversation with me about peace and wars. We talked for a couple minutes about my spiritual journey, but it seemed like a lifetime to me. It was like we were old friends catching up. He told me he would follow my blog and made his way to his car. With all the turmoil and commotion going on that day all it took was  this perceptive nice gentleman to comment on something so simple to brighten up my day. It was strange. The rain stopped as i drove away and i felt at ease. If we could all just take the time time to apply those words to our lives things would be blissful. something so simple as “Do No Harm”

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We are approaching 2016! I would like you guys to join in on my wellness journey. Its going to be full of inspirational emails every Monday to get you through the week, positive challenges, meditation goals,and just helping us become the best possible us we can be in 2016. Feel free to email me at theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com to join. Tell your friends and have them email me as well. I look forward to hearing from you. Lets inspire one another.

 

 

Why?

As I began writing my original blog topic for this week I had an urge to switch gears and express to you why I even blog at all. If you are an avid reader of my manifest Monday blog posts you know that I started a quest to embark upon a spiritual journey. In one of the many books I began before this journey I read that you should keep a journal along the way. In the beginning this was my journal, but it has morphed into something bigger than that for me. I try to be as real and genuine as possible for the people who take the time to read this every week. My grammar and spelling are never perfect, but to me that’s okay. I write to you all in hopes of inspiring you to embark on your own form of a spiritual journey.

I am a bipolar, anxious, fearful 26 year old who has gone through some pretty tragic things along the way, like so many of you have probably have as well. I want to motivate you and inspire you every week. I try to let you in as much as possible. Im human, I have my down days. I can’t always be a ball of positive,  manifesting,  creative expression, but I write to you about it and I express to you how I plan on overcoming it.

I want you all to know that I have experienced the power of positive thinking and the wonders it can do. It can be challenging to focus so much on the positive especially when you are at war inside yourself; However when you do look towards the light its remarkable. I find it harder for me to snap out of my depression in the winter time, but I am constantly researching ways to charge my energies inside myself, balance my chakras, find the right healing crystals, and write out the right intentions. Its a journey. Its not something that happens over night. But trust me if you put in the work it pays off.

Things Ive done that have really helped me along the way would be surrounding myself with people who make me a better me. I try to only be around positive people. Its easier to stay in the now and continue to be inspired when the people around you are supporting you and positive. When I do encounter negative people I try to counter every negative thing they say with a positive. Notice how I said try, sometimes I join in on their pity party, because I am bipolar and its difficult sometimes. But most of the time I try to say at least 2 positive things without dismissing their sadness or concerns.

Another thing that has been very motivating would be making intentions and reading them often. Having them posted in varies places around my home helps remind me to read them. Just being able to see them manifest into truly amazing things is a great feeling. It makes you feel so powerful within yourself. “Wow I did that!  Just thinking something, dreaming, focusing my energy and it happened!  Wow you are incredible.” I find myself thinking.

I have found my happiness at work again, reconnected with my partner, built amazing relationships with friends from my past, and mended some relationships with my family that I thought were irreparable. All by thinking it. Its not magic, its just something we are all able to do if we try hard enough. Why not try it?  You can’t lose anything. Prove me wrong. Take one thing and write out an intention for it. Examples can be found in a previous blog of mine. Read that intention at least 2 times a day. Think about it often. Live as if it is already happening. It will start to grow and manifest so quickly. Just give it a chance.

I really hope I inspire some of you along the way. I have a normal job, I drive a Toyota, I have roommates, I am a normal person just like you. We can do this together. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to email me theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

Its almost a new year!  Lets all embark on wellness journey 2016. Just focusing on getting ourselves into the best “us” we can be. Happy, thriving, adventurous beings. Take these next couple of weeks to really map it out and imagine how the best you would look, not physical features, but personality traits and characteristics. I look forward to experiencing this with you.

Sincerely Me

I pick you, I want you

Waking up with my heart pounding with feelings of breathlessness. I dreaded the day ahead. This was a constant battle for me after my breakup. I was so consumed with the dire need to see him, to feel him, to breathe in his scent. It was like I was withdrawing from a drug.

The old mess of a girl that I was always became so dependent on her partner. I had a clingy vibe to me. My significant other and I spent every waking moment together. I was no longer a “me” I was always referred to as a “we” or “you guys”. I had a bad case of codependency.
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The years after my breakup I struggled so hard to find myself again. During that relationship lost all of who I was and who I used to be. My friends were replaced with his, my family taken over and flipped into as well. Love can do that to you sometimes. If you submerge yourself so deeply in someone as much as I did it can control you. I needed a rehab to get clean of him. I needed my ex like you need air to breathe. So cliche and over used, but its true. When we went our separate ways I couldn’t function alone. I developed a need to call him, Skype him, text him multiple times a day. He was my drug and I needed a fix. I dragged the non existent relationship on for months.

During this spiritual quest I have learned the power of being alone. Ive gained myself again. I am an “I” I am Marissa. It has never felt so good to enjoy my alone time.

With my current partner I don’t need him. Which sounds as if I don’t love him nearly as much, but I don’t believe that to be the case. I could live without my current partner. Id be sad and I’m sure I’d lose sleep, but I’d function. Id pick myself up by the boot straps and continue to live. I think thats the beauty of it all. I chose him every single day. I have decided on him. I want him. Thats what makes it so special. I don’t feel like my oxygen supply has been cut off when he leaves for trips. I miss him, but I manage without him. Its a simplistic kind of love, but its amazing.

You have to be you. Don’t consume yourself with someone else. Making them your sole reason for existence. You lose yourself. I have been working so hard these past years with trying to find myself again and its been the toughest battle yet. Im not completely there, but I’m a work in progress and you know what, that’s okay. I am me.

Sincerely me

Fighting the good fight

As I read the text message I received from my mother telling me that my father was in jail I had a plethora of emotions take place inside of me.

The last time I saw him he was dressed in a soiled grey sweat suit with rips along the seams. He was homeless and on drugs. My body felt numb as I fought back the tears. Seeing your father like that is painful. I pulled over and tried to talk to him. As he struggled to get to his feet I noticed the dried blood on his pants. He whimpered solemnly that he had been hit by a car the day before. I panicked and called my mother. I needed someone’s help. I couldn’t handle this on my own. When she arrived he asked if we could get him some food and take him to the behavioral health center. My father felt like he had lost his mind. The car ride to the hospital felt like old times again. He was his happy joking self. We we’re a family for the short ten mins. It was nice. As we entered the glass automatic doors it was as if a switch turned on the rage and confusion inside him. I retrieved the paperwork and began answering the questions on behalf of my father. The answer he gave for the last question will forever be engraved in my mind….. What brings you in today?  “Rissy you know Dorothy and how she’s trapped in OZ? I feel like I’m trapped and I just want to go home. ” said my father. I began to cry. For 5 grueling hours I sat in the room with my father as he came in and out of sanity. I cringed with every hurtful thing he screamed. Finally they sedated him and we we’re asked to leave. That was the last time I saw my father. He was released after his 72 hour hold and I hadn’t seen him since.

With this call I felt at ease knowing he was safe and also out of the cold, but at the same time I felt discouraged. I realized in that moment that I can’t save him. This is his battle, not mine. This will be his fourth time being arrested for drug charges. I have a feeling he is going away for a long time. It puts a thousands bullets in my heart. I am on this amazing spiritual quest and I feel like every other week there is a new test. Im feeling like once i get over one rock another is thrown at me. Knowing that you can’t change someone is the hardest pain to bare. I can’t save him if he won’t accept my help. I feel like he is trapped in a rapid sea of waves and sharks and I’m right next to him begging him to grab ahold of the rope to the rescue boat.

On this journey Ive encountered a lot of opsticles and I’m scratching and fighting to survive them all. I didn’t know how tough I was until I looked at the amount of poop that is thrown my way and how i can still manage to wake up every morning with a smile. I am a divine amazing woman, with a heart as pure as gold. I understand that I cant change people, but I can pray. I can put positive vibes out into the world and hopefully they will reach the depths of my fathers soul that Im needing them to reach. Im feeling alone, like I’m slowly losing everyone Ive ever loved, but I cant let it weaken me. I can’t stop this journey. These blogs every week keep me motivated. They keep me strong.

I will not stop.

Sincerely Me

And then one day you’re beautiful

We all go through times in our life when our self esteem is so shot we can barely muster up enough positive feelings about ourselves to step outside. That was me most of my life. Id say from the ages 11 until a couple weeks ago I had the lowest self esteem. I didn’t truly love myself. Standing in front of my full length finger smudged mirror I saw myself for who I really was, a beautiful mixed woman with gorgeous curls and curves in all the right places. Its taken me some time to see that.

Growing up I was built different then my family. My skin was darker, my hair was curly, my lips bigger. I felt different and to me different was ugly. Half my life I battled self hatred.  I wanted lighter skin, straight hair, and to be paper thin like my older cousins.

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I developed an eating disorder and would stuff my face with hearts stars and rainbows lucky charm cereal until I felt like I was going to pop. Id sit in front of that mirror for hours criticizing myself. “You’re so disgusting”, I’d repeat to myself. Id hurl myself over the toilet with the end of my toothbrush down my throat in an effort to cleanse myself of the food sinning I’d done hours before. Pushing at my stomach with a fist and a closed hand eliminating all that I could until I was left dry heaving and coughing up acid. Years and years of binging and purging and all that it got me was a sore throat and brittle feeling teeth.

I longed to be fair skinned like my family. Praying to God to make me look like them as I smeared my mothers face lightning cream all over my body and lying about where it had all vanished to. Adding cap fulls of bleach to my bath water hoping it would work on me like it did on my brothers tank tops. Crying because my mother wouldnt allow me to dye my hair blonde so I damaged it by soaking it in a bowl of peroxide.

The experiments I attempted to fix myself into the person I thought I should be left me feeling broken. Never good enough in any relationship. My love life was a chaotic whirl wind. I couldn’t expect anyone to fully love me when I didn’t even love myself. Id retort to every compliment with a negative jab at myself or I’d insult my own weight. It wasn’t until I started this journey that I truly got it. I was wishing on that 11:11 for all the wrong things. I pleaded for someone to love me for all that I was when in actuality I needed to love myself.

Years of beating myself over the head with a bag of rocks disguised as funny jokes about myself and coping for the fact that I felt as if I wasn’t good enough has been stopped in its tracks with the power of self love. I am divine! I am exceptional in all the ways I can be. You have got to learn to adore yourself. Build yourself up. No one can make you feel good enough. Its an inner truth we all posses. You just gotta believe in yourself. Its amazing how different you will see things when you embrace yourself and love you for you.

Its been a process but its nice to see results. I wake up in the mornings and tell myself I am beautiful, I try to embrace compliments with thank you’s instead of shrugging them off. I tell myself how divine I am everyday! I write it out, say it out loud, say it to others. I make it my truth. I hope you can all experience the power of self love and acceptance. It truly is amazing.

Sincerely Me

In my own form of a drought

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As I write to you Im sitting on a lush patch of green grass wet from the days rain. Im feeling calm and inspired while I listen to the pit pat of the raindrops as they fall so gracefully on my umbrella. Today I was feeling earthy. I had a sudden pull to leave my warm cozy sanctuary of a home and submerge myself into the outdoors. This journey has really opened up my inner earth Goddesses. I feel more inclined to go to the city and hike rather then shop.

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Today it is raining and I feel the need to be standing open armed in the rain. It feels warm as the droplets land on my skin. I feel at peace. Im in the middle of my spiritual awakening, I can feel the changes occur. I’ve been feeling peppy and motivated to stay in the here and now. I submerged myself into the river and let the rain fall onto me. It was a freeing and cleansing experience. As the water ran down my body I felt the negative experiences from prior weeks wash away. All the depression I had been feeling was no more. I feel refreshed and balanced for the week ahead.

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 Rain has a way of making things look refreshed and vibrant. It allows things to grow, it nourishes the soil. Just like the trees I was amongst today I to am feel empowered and uplifted by these energizing droplets.

Sincerely me