The day after I gave up….

The day after I gave up….

There are moments in your life, tragic, unseen events that grab hold of you and knock the wind out of you. Moments that make you feel as if you can’t go on. The day after I gave up was the day after my 2nd ectopic pregnancy, the sun was shining and I was pissed. “What kind of sick joke is this?” I thought to myself. I stepped outside to grab my pills trying to ease the pain. The air was so smooth, the birds were chirping, everyone was smiling and I wanted to die. 

The day after I gave up we went out to distract ourselves. We visited family had small talk, laughed, and I excused myself to go wallow in my own misery in the bathroom. I looked at this beautiful painting my finances grandmother had painted and wanted to end it right then and there. We went to get our favorite vegan meal and I prayed it would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. As I waited for our food I harped on how long it was taking. I looked across the way and saw a lesbian couple cooing over their baby. Resentment set in and hurt took over my heart. Why is it that they can have a perfectly healthy baby and I lost two? 

The day after I gave up I had nonexistent memories of our sweet girls running on the beach with their father, skim boards in tow. Laughing with beautiful dirty blonde hair and sun kissed olive tan skin. Waving and smiling at me to watch them as they skated off into the ocean waves. 

The day after I gave up we went to a beautiful overlook of Berkeley. We’ve been there time and time again with no success of seeing SanFran in the distance, but the day after I gave up we did. The lights lit up the cities and you could see the spectacular designs on the bridge. 

The day after I gave up my inbox was flooded by my aunts and cousins. By my friends that loved me dear. I was embraced with all this love and support. Yet I still felt alone. 

The day after I gave up I held onto all the things people had been telling me during this pregnancy. “This time it’s going to be okay” “you don’t have to worry” “it’s all in your head” 

The day after I gave up I told myself it was okay to let go. People will continue on and understand why you did. You will see your babies and be the mother to them you didn’t have the chance to be.

The night after I gave up I layed my head down and tried to fall asleep. I woke up to the sound of my love crying while he slept. I stroked his head and tried to comfort him softly without waking him. His breathing became a song along with the thump thump of his heart beat. It drifted into a lullaby as if to help me fall back to a peaceful slumber.

The morning I decided to fight the sunlight shinned through my window and I was greeted with a kiss from my love. My heart was sad but hopeful. The pain remained but I had a new look on life. Once again I held dear to the people who reached out and loved me through the tragic experience and told myself how I wouldn’t want them to feel the pain of loss as I am feeling it now. The morning I decided to fight I was told that my babies mattered and we’re shining down on me being looked after by my Nana. The morning after I decided to fight I was reminded of who I am and what I come from. A family of women who are survivors. Cancer, lupus, autoimmune diseases, drug addictions, and no infant loss. The morning i decided to fight was the morning I started fully living again.

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Fake It Till You Make It…..again 

“You’re fine” “Everything is okay” “Just breathe” I tell myself as I see the beetle emerge from my freshly cleaned clothes. Any other day I would have completely lost my shit, maybe even thrown all the clothes away, and spiral into an anxiety induced itching frenzy; However, today I’m deciding to breathe. I reach for a shirt hung up in my closet and take the basket to the laundry to re wash it. One win for Marissa, anxiety zero. I go about my day as nothing ever happened. The next morning me and my fiancé have a nice day planned of beach festivities. It’s the Saturday before I go back to work so we want to get out and spend time together at our favorite place. I go into my clothes hamper once again to find my baiting suit. I pull it out with force because it’s stuck under a heap of graphic tees and cut off capris. I feel something crawling on my arm as I dislodged the suit. I look down and it’s a spider. Anxiety and panic start to send me into overdrive but I breathe. “You’re fine, everything is okay.” I tell myself. I walk the spider outside and remain calm. “Don’t ruin this day.” 
The day was amazing. The sun was shining, the sand was warm, and bub was content with the crowd. The day couldn’t have been better. After the beach we headed to our usual vegan restaurant where I over stuffed myself on foods I couldn’t just go to a Denys and eat back home. I felt like I could burst. People have been monitoring my eating and mentioning things like portion control which has got me in a tail spin of calorie counting and over analyzing my eating habits. Which I know shouldn’t affect me because since going vegan I’ve done nothing but lose weight no matter how much I eat. You shouldn’t ever comment on how a person recovering from an eating disorder eats. It can send them right back to where they started. Which is what all this food was starting to do to me. “Marissa, you haven’t eaten all day, you’re fine.” I try to tell myself. But I decided that would be it for the day depending on what the scale said when I got home. “I can eat veggies Sunday if increased. Summer is approaching. You don’t want to look like a wha…” “Stop!” I tell myself. I don’t want to ruin this day. 
On the drive home I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I felt very anxious and panicky. Obsessing over things that I couldn’t control. The glare of the sun, that I had loved before, the speed of traffic, colors of vehicles….things that I usually don’t worry about. I tried to breathe. But the breath wouldn’t come. When I walked through the front door I was overwhelmed with the heaping mounds of clothes I felt like I needed to wash. I decided I would take all my clothes to the laundromat. I thought of my car and how it would need to be cleaned before I could load my clothes in. I could feel myself spiraling wanting so bad to stay grounded. The cracks where my vents are, the scuffs on my walls. The color of my carpet, the dishes in the sink, the scum in the shower, everything started flooding in. I broke. My fiancé asked if I was okay. I began to tell him all the things running through my mind. As I started he interrupted in hopes of helping me not spiral out of control but i was already to far gone. His voice changed in my head. No longer his. It was like one of those whistles that make dogs cringe. I couldn’t take it. I just needed him to be quiet. A tiny piece of my brain was telling me to calm down. Everything was okay, just breathe, but I couldn’t. I screamed shut up and ran to the bathroom. In hopes of calming down I took off my shirts to enter the shower. “Stop! It’s not clean! You’ll just get dirty!” I tell myself. I grab the Ajax and rag and start scrubbing. My fiancé comes in and tells me this isn’t normal as he tries to take the rag from my hands. In a sobbing desperate final plea I beg him to leave me alone, I just need to shower. He reminds me that I had already showered. I try to explain to him but by now all logic is gone. I just need to get clean, I need the itching to stop I cry. He finally leaves me to my cleaning. 

As I finish washing the Ajax from the freshly scrubbed walls I start to feel a sense of relief. I step in and scrub my hair, body, under my nails, and I’m finally free. 
Anxiety and panic attacks are something I deal with everyday. They haven’t gotten this bad in such a long time. I reached out to my tribe and was reminded of how far I’ve come and received so much love and support my heart could explode. One of my favorites is to just dance. Dance it all away. When I feel the emotions coming to just feel it. Stay with it until there is emptiness and remain in it. I am every day battling something but I am not alone. I have to remind myself of that when I’m at my weakest. For those of you that suffer from anxiety you might also have some obsession like I do. During this time it’s hard to make the emotions and feelings stop. A friend told me to embrace it. Look at myself in the mirror and don’t break eye contact. Allow the feelings to come. Breathe it out. Cry, scream, but don’t break the gaze. Remind myself that I am loved. The commonly talked about “Fake it till you make it”. I’ve learned some amazing self help and coping techniques. I know when I’m going through it that it’s hard to remember them, but I know that I just if I want to avoid days like Saturday. I am in recovery, I am loved, I am good enough. Peoples opinions are just that, theirs to have but not to affect me or define who I am. Anxiety 1 Marissa 1 and feeling strong.

Sincerely Me

Back on Track

Back on Track

Since the days of my Evo training I’ve been scared and vulnerable when entering the new world around me. For those of you who don’t know I finally took the step and attended a sort of spiritual emotionally healing training a couple weekends ago. Entering the training I wasn’t sure of what to expect. I thought it was going to be a lot of chanting and meditation; However I was wrong. This training was so life changing I wish I never had to leave. We went in as strangers and left as a family. I myself left so ready to take on the world around me with my new found tools. I felt a switch turn on inside me and I was ready to heal.

During the training we worked on anger, trama, and many other things. Things I won’t ruin for you in case you ever have the amazing opportunity to take the course, which I will say a million times over, has changed my life. From previous blogs you all know how I’ve felt hurt and betrayed by several people, I’ve also experienced a lot of loss that I felt I’d never be able to heal from. Since taking this training I can say those portions of my life I’m feeling much better about.

I see things a little differently now. I’m attempting to not get so angry and hurt by people and their actions. I tell myself I have a choice for it to affect me or not. It’s really been helping me. Before I would allow myself to be so hurt and affected by people and tge things they did or said to me. Now I just keep it out of my bubble. I’m feeling much happier and the people around me can tell that I’ve had a spiritual shift. It feels amazing to be back on track.

Some updates:

1) operation manifesting a little mess has began again so love and baby dust sent our way is much needed❤

2) I’m available again for any help you guys might need along your journey. My email is theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

3) medication free again. Since the training I’ve stopped taking my anxiety and depression medication and I’m feeling much better. I don’t recommend you do so without discussing it with your doctor or medical professional. But for me it’s the choice I’ve had to make.

4)  Still vegan and going strong. It could have a lot to do with the better state of mind I’m in as well.

In closing I want you to all know I enjoy getting your emails and hearing from you. It’s nice to be so supported and encouraged. I hope the nest for all of you along your spiritual quest.

Forgiveness you little thing, where have I lost you?

“She doesn’t deserve it.” “She’s just going to do the same things over and over again.” “To many people let her get away with this.” All the negative voices want to come out and play when it’s time to forgive someone. In a previous blog I wrote about the power of forgiveness. It’s not for the person who has wronged you, but rather for you and your own sanity and self healing. When you harbor a grudge, it drains you. You can’t live a happy life continuing to hate someone for the hurt they have caused you. You have to forgive in order to grow spiritually. That doesn’t mean you continue to let them cause you grief. You just handle and treat them accordingly. Continue a relationship with them if you want or let them go and move on, but forgive them none the less.

I have been hurt to a point where I have felt that things are just beyond forgiveness and repair. Then I set out on this journey and found the power of forgiveness. I allowed myself to feel the effects of forgiving someone and it changed me and the way I felt about a lot of things. You begin to feel weights lift off of you by the hundreds and thousands of pounds. It’s a feeling everyone should feel. Forgiving someone is more then just saying it, it’s feeling it and meaning every word of it. You have to really forgive them. No more bringing up the past actions and holding it against them. This is actually where you decide if you can continue a relationship with the person. If what you are Forgiving them for is to much for you to continue a relationship with them, then don’t. Yoy don’t have to feel bad about keeping toxic people out of your life.

The power of forgiveness is one of the greatest superpowers and one of the most underrated. We are divine creatures who awareness some amazing gifts. You just gotta give them a try.
Sincerely me

If you think it, so it will be

As we drove on and on past road constructions on countless amounts of detours I never thought today would be the day one of my intentions would come true. When we arrived at the cemetery I thought his only plan was to visit our sweet Nanas and pay our respects. As I knelt down to wipe the rubbish off of her tombstone, he dropped to one knee. “I had to make sure your Nana was here with you for this”, he said. I thought he was joking. Through the weeks he had been pretending to do so and I just assumed this was the same. I was filled with a million different emotions but I couldn’t help but want to look to the heavens and smile at my Nana. 
Officially engaged! If you remember back to the vision board post it was one of the big things I put on there. When you love someone you kinda just want the whole shebang to start right away.

I’m always preaching the power of manifesting the life you want. Take time this week to write out a few intentions and see the magic that can happen.

Sincerely me

Back on Track

Cleaning the kitchen and I see a beautiful purple looking vine coming from my black wire rack where I store my fruits and vegetables. As I get down closer I notice that it’s sprouted from my sweet potatoes. I began to feel the imaginary ants crawling all over my body. Tingles and feeling of total disgust and paranoia set in. I immediately feel the need to shower. No amount of soap or antibacterial sanitizer can make me feel clean enough to leave to sanctuary I have created in my bathroom. 

I have extreme anxiety that is often set off by things that should just not be. Example: sprouted potatoes, tiny wholes, the separation in my hardwood flooring, the list is endless. I am usually good at keeping the feelings away except when I am in a depressed state. My depression and anxiety go hand in hand. I have not really been able to keep the depression at bay since the pregnancy. I have good days and bad days and then there is a whole lot of days when I’m just trying to keep my shit together.

I embarked on this journey of trying to find my inner peace, my zen, my spiritual quest I like to refer to it as  I believe last summer. It was going swimmingly. I had finally found my peace of mind and was doing great. No pills, not so many days of depression, and I was finally feeling like my old self. Then I found out I was pregnant and it wasn’t going to be a viable pregnancy. As much as I scratch and claw my way out I just keep slipping back down. A couple nights ago I was rereading some of my old posts and noticed a key to why my journey was so successful in the beginning. My intentions!!! I wrote out some things I was trying to manifest and I read them several times a day. I was also listening to The Power of Now and a book called The Map which really kept me motivated and educated. 

After this incident I am tired. I’m tired of having to lock myself in the confines of my bathroom, sitting covered in as much soap as I could possibly lather, on my shower floor while the water trickles down my body. Hours of my day lost until the anxiety subsides. I am ready to be the person I set out to be. So my promise to you, my lovely readers is to start our lovely Manifest Mondays up again. That means a new blog every Monday. Also I will start reading my intentions again. I want to help educate you all again on the miraculous begins we are! I will continue to be real, uncensored, and up front with you all every step of the way. We all have our days. We’re human right. I will not give up on the process.

Sincerely Me

Road To Veganism

Mangos, cucumbers, bananas! That’s all I craved during my pregnancy. For those short months I couldn’t stomach any meat or animal products. The smell was torturous! After my pregnancy had ended I attempted to introduce meat back into my diet. I enjoyed it, but the taste wasn’t the same as before. I began doing some reading and watching some documentaries. In my reading I saw that a lot of women who had lost a baby had a change in their taste buds. Some able to enjoy foods they never had before. My countless hours of reading and educating myself lead me down a rabbit whole of vegan videos and blogs. I knew that this was the life for me!

When I was younger I would gag on steak and pork chops. I loved my fruits and vegetables. I wasn’t a normal child. We had a tradition at my grandparents’ house, at night we would have “snack”. It was basically a late night desert before bed. I would always attempt to eat the same thing as my cousin, a banana split. It wasn’t until my Nana saw me only eating the banana that she started just handing me one for snack with a grin. How strange I thought to myself….how strange must she think I am for not wanting ice cream, for choosing a banana over that. I did enjoy my chicken and fish as a child and young adult. It wasn’t until I started dating my first serious boyfriend and going to dinner at his house did I start to eat meat on daily basis. I felt as if I was offending his family  by refusing the meals they had prepared for me. My body began to change from all the meat intake along with my appearance. I felt tired, my mood had decreased, and I gained weight.

I’m happy to announce I have been vegan for over a month now with no mess ups. It was easier for me then I think it would be for a normal person. I wear my emotions on my sleeve so watching videos like Earthlings and Cowspiracy really put the nail in the coffin for me. I have found amazing recipes from watching Hot For Food, Lauren Toyota, and the Edgy Veg on YouTube. I don’t ever feel like I’m missing out on something.

I have noticed some great changes since becoming vegan. I have lost weight, I feel more energized, and my skin is glowing. I had been having some serious acne problems and since this lifestyle change I am noticing a huge improvement with my complexion. Also my hair is growing at a better rate. It feels stronger. I stopped taking my depression medication, I’m not recommending anyone do this without seeking a medical opinion. I have been much happier and on the days that I’m feeling weak I have developed a nice self-care routine. I haven’t had any negative compliments about this change yet.

This is just another step forward in my spiritual journey.  I love animals, the planet, and have always wanted to make a difference. It’s nice to know that by doing this I am impacting the world in a positive way. I have inspired my boyfriend to not eat meat anymore as well, even though he does enjoy his liquid cheese. He has transitioned into being a vegetarian. I’m hoping by the end of the year I can convince him to be purely plant based.

Some tips I would recommend if you decide to try a vegan or plant based diet go as follows:

1)      Start slow! Don’t just jump into in. Do some research! I slowly decreased my meat and animal product intake.

2)      Decide why! I decided I was tired of talking about how I wanted to change the world and decided to do it! On days that I feel like a mcdouble I watch a little segment of Earthlings, The way they treat the animals helps me stay grounded in this  life style change.

3)      Find what you like! I started watching videos and creating stuff in the kitchen The first couple weeks I spent a lot of money just trying to figure out what  liked and what I didn’t. I stopped being afraid of making a food item I might not like. I just started experimenting.

4)      Bargain shop! A lot of the fruits and vegetables I eat come from my friends and families gardens. It’s always nice to get something home grown and free before going grocery shopping and forking out money for something. Craigslist has a plethora of farmers just waiting for someone to volunteer to come pick their fruit for them. I found a local man who allows people to come pick his plums for free. Also just making a quick post on craigslist ii got some fruits and veggies.

5)      Freeze! If store is having a sale on something stock up on it! Freeze it and you can use it for smoothies or juices later.

6)      Don’t take on the world! Right now I am just focusing on the foods and condiments I intake. Later, after a year I will start paying closer attention to the clothes, cleaning products, and beauty products I use as well.

7)      Don’t be afraid to tell your friends and family. It’s helpful that they know that way during family events they consider you when preparing the meals. Maybe they will buy earth balance butter and almond milk and use that for the mashed potatoes instead of the animal based products.

8)      Prepare! When I know there is an event coming up I make sure to find some recipes similar to the ones that might be consumed at the event so I don’t feel so different. I make sure to bring my own food so I am set up for success.

9)      Invest in a high speed blender and a nut bag! I got a ninja blender for 200 dollars and a couple nut bags on amazing for 13 dollars. Every morning I blend my fruits and veggies and strain them in the bag. Perfect juice without having to hassle with a juicer! Also blenders are good of vegan cheese and sauces.

10)  Have fun with it! Experiment, research, and don’t take yourself so seriously. I don’t judge others on the food they have on their plates, I just focus on myself. You aren’t better than anyone just because of the foods you are now deciding to eat.

 

I’m hoping that sometime in July I will start vlogging, maybe doing recipe videos as well. I would love to really give you guys a in depth look into this crazy journey I’ve been on. This spiritual quest has had so many ups and downs, but that’s life isn’t it. Things don’t work out as perfect as you envision them, and if they did how dull and boring would that be. I am grateful for every experience I have had to endure, because without it I wouldn’t be me.