Why?

As I began writing my original blog topic for this week I had an urge to switch gears and express to you why I even blog at all. If you are an avid reader of my manifest Monday blog posts you know that I started a quest to embark upon a spiritual journey. In one of the many books I began before this journey I read that you should keep a journal along the way. In the beginning this was my journal, but it has morphed into something bigger than that for me. I try to be as real and genuine as possible for the people who take the time to read this every week. My grammar and spelling are never perfect, but to me that’s okay. I write to you all in hopes of inspiring you to embark on your own form of a spiritual journey.

I am a bipolar, anxious, fearful 26 year old who has gone through some pretty tragic things along the way, like so many of you have probably have as well. I want to motivate you and inspire you every week. I try to let you in as much as possible. Im human, I have my down days. I can’t always be a ball of positive,  manifesting,  creative expression, but I write to you about it and I express to you how I plan on overcoming it.

I want you all to know that I have experienced the power of positive thinking and the wonders it can do. It can be challenging to focus so much on the positive especially when you are at war inside yourself; However when you do look towards the light its remarkable. I find it harder for me to snap out of my depression in the winter time, but I am constantly researching ways to charge my energies inside myself, balance my chakras, find the right healing crystals, and write out the right intentions. Its a journey. Its not something that happens over night. But trust me if you put in the work it pays off.

Things Ive done that have really helped me along the way would be surrounding myself with people who make me a better me. I try to only be around positive people. Its easier to stay in the now and continue to be inspired when the people around you are supporting you and positive. When I do encounter negative people I try to counter every negative thing they say with a positive. Notice how I said try, sometimes I join in on their pity party, because I am bipolar and its difficult sometimes. But most of the time I try to say at least 2 positive things without dismissing their sadness or concerns.

Another thing that has been very motivating would be making intentions and reading them often. Having them posted in varies places around my home helps remind me to read them. Just being able to see them manifest into truly amazing things is a great feeling. It makes you feel so powerful within yourself. “Wow I did that!  Just thinking something, dreaming, focusing my energy and it happened!  Wow you are incredible.” I find myself thinking.

I have found my happiness at work again, reconnected with my partner, built amazing relationships with friends from my past, and mended some relationships with my family that I thought were irreparable. All by thinking it. Its not magic, its just something we are all able to do if we try hard enough. Why not try it?  You can’t lose anything. Prove me wrong. Take one thing and write out an intention for it. Examples can be found in a previous blog of mine. Read that intention at least 2 times a day. Think about it often. Live as if it is already happening. It will start to grow and manifest so quickly. Just give it a chance.

I really hope I inspire some of you along the way. I have a normal job, I drive a Toyota, I have roommates, I am a normal person just like you. We can do this together. If you have any questions or just want to chat feel free to email me theurbanhippiemac@gmail.com

Its almost a new year!  Lets all embark on wellness journey 2016. Just focusing on getting ourselves into the best “us” we can be. Happy, thriving, adventurous beings. Take these next couple of weeks to really map it out and imagine how the best you would look, not physical features, but personality traits and characteristics. I look forward to experiencing this with you.

Sincerely Me

I pick you, I want you

Waking up with my heart pounding with feelings of breathlessness. I dreaded the day ahead. This was a constant battle for me after my breakup. I was so consumed with the dire need to see him, to feel him, to breathe in his scent. It was like I was withdrawing from a drug.

The old mess of a girl that I was always became so dependent on her partner. I had a clingy vibe to me. My significant other and I spent every waking moment together. I was no longer a “me” I was always referred to as a “we” or “you guys”. I had a bad case of codependency.
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The years after my breakup I struggled so hard to find myself again. During that relationship lost all of who I was and who I used to be. My friends were replaced with his, my family taken over and flipped into as well. Love can do that to you sometimes. If you submerge yourself so deeply in someone as much as I did it can control you. I needed a rehab to get clean of him. I needed my ex like you need air to breathe. So cliche and over used, but its true. When we went our separate ways I couldn’t function alone. I developed a need to call him, Skype him, text him multiple times a day. He was my drug and I needed a fix. I dragged the non existent relationship on for months.

During this spiritual quest I have learned the power of being alone. Ive gained myself again. I am an “I” I am Marissa. It has never felt so good to enjoy my alone time.

With my current partner I don’t need him. Which sounds as if I don’t love him nearly as much, but I don’t believe that to be the case. I could live without my current partner. Id be sad and I’m sure I’d lose sleep, but I’d function. Id pick myself up by the boot straps and continue to live. I think thats the beauty of it all. I chose him every single day. I have decided on him. I want him. Thats what makes it so special. I don’t feel like my oxygen supply has been cut off when he leaves for trips. I miss him, but I manage without him. Its a simplistic kind of love, but its amazing.

You have to be you. Don’t consume yourself with someone else. Making them your sole reason for existence. You lose yourself. I have been working so hard these past years with trying to find myself again and its been the toughest battle yet. Im not completely there, but I’m a work in progress and you know what, that’s okay. I am me.

Sincerely me

Fighting the good fight

As I read the text message I received from my mother telling me that my father was in jail I had a plethora of emotions take place inside of me.

The last time I saw him he was dressed in a soiled grey sweat suit with rips along the seams. He was homeless and on drugs. My body felt numb as I fought back the tears. Seeing your father like that is painful. I pulled over and tried to talk to him. As he struggled to get to his feet I noticed the dried blood on his pants. He whimpered solemnly that he had been hit by a car the day before. I panicked and called my mother. I needed someone’s help. I couldn’t handle this on my own. When she arrived he asked if we could get him some food and take him to the behavioral health center. My father felt like he had lost his mind. The car ride to the hospital felt like old times again. He was his happy joking self. We we’re a family for the short ten mins. It was nice. As we entered the glass automatic doors it was as if a switch turned on the rage and confusion inside him. I retrieved the paperwork and began answering the questions on behalf of my father. The answer he gave for the last question will forever be engraved in my mind….. What brings you in today?  “Rissy you know Dorothy and how she’s trapped in OZ? I feel like I’m trapped and I just want to go home. ” said my father. I began to cry. For 5 grueling hours I sat in the room with my father as he came in and out of sanity. I cringed with every hurtful thing he screamed. Finally they sedated him and we we’re asked to leave. That was the last time I saw my father. He was released after his 72 hour hold and I hadn’t seen him since.

With this call I felt at ease knowing he was safe and also out of the cold, but at the same time I felt discouraged. I realized in that moment that I can’t save him. This is his battle, not mine. This will be his fourth time being arrested for drug charges. I have a feeling he is going away for a long time. It puts a thousands bullets in my heart. I am on this amazing spiritual quest and I feel like every other week there is a new test. Im feeling like once i get over one rock another is thrown at me. Knowing that you can’t change someone is the hardest pain to bare. I can’t save him if he won’t accept my help. I feel like he is trapped in a rapid sea of waves and sharks and I’m right next to him begging him to grab ahold of the rope to the rescue boat.

On this journey Ive encountered a lot of opsticles and I’m scratching and fighting to survive them all. I didn’t know how tough I was until I looked at the amount of poop that is thrown my way and how i can still manage to wake up every morning with a smile. I am a divine amazing woman, with a heart as pure as gold. I understand that I cant change people, but I can pray. I can put positive vibes out into the world and hopefully they will reach the depths of my fathers soul that Im needing them to reach. Im feeling alone, like I’m slowly losing everyone Ive ever loved, but I cant let it weaken me. I can’t stop this journey. These blogs every week keep me motivated. They keep me strong.

I will not stop.

Sincerely Me

In my own form of a drought

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As I write to you Im sitting on a lush patch of green grass wet from the days rain. Im feeling calm and inspired while I listen to the pit pat of the raindrops as they fall so gracefully on my umbrella. Today I was feeling earthy. I had a sudden pull to leave my warm cozy sanctuary of a home and submerge myself into the outdoors. This journey has really opened up my inner earth Goddesses. I feel more inclined to go to the city and hike rather then shop.

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Today it is raining and I feel the need to be standing open armed in the rain. It feels warm as the droplets land on my skin. I feel at peace. Im in the middle of my spiritual awakening, I can feel the changes occur. I’ve been feeling peppy and motivated to stay in the here and now. I submerged myself into the river and let the rain fall onto me. It was a freeing and cleansing experience. As the water ran down my body I felt the negative experiences from prior weeks wash away. All the depression I had been feeling was no more. I feel refreshed and balanced for the week ahead.

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 Rain has a way of making things look refreshed and vibrant. It allows things to grow, it nourishes the soil. Just like the trees I was amongst today I to am feel empowered and uplifted by these energizing droplets.

Sincerely me

With A Few Simple Words

“Hello, Marissa. Yes this is ****** school district. You will be starting the year off in Room ****” said the sweetest voice on the other end of my cell phone. My heart dropped a bit. I explained that there had to be some mistake, I was moved back to my old classroom during summer school. My home. The only place I felt comfortable to be myself. But she insisted that it wasn’t a mistake. I thanked her and ended the call solemnly.

I had gone through a lot over the past couple years and the only place I could leave it all behind was at my job. I worked with a lovely group of women in a beautifully structured and organized classroom. These women we’re and still are like my sisters. They empower me and build me up on my weakest days. Knowing that I would have to spend another school year with out my support system shattered pieces of my soul. I felt like I was being bullied. Ever since my boyfriend left the school I had nothing but problems. I got submerged in the mass of chaos and negativity his teaching days left behind. He got out but I was left with the lions like a sheep trying to stay alive. I will never really understand how people who know nothing about you could try to break you down so low until you are nothing and feel okay about it. Thats what my job was doing to me.

 I began the school year feeling defeated. Not that I didn’t enjoy my new coworkers,  because I do. They are pretty amazing. But I wasn’t at home. I work with children who have autism. Its challenging but I wouldn’t trade my job for all the money in the world. In my old class I worked as a “communication diva”. I taught the children how to appropriately communicate. Hearing children speak their first words and blossom into these beautiful beings is a blessing that I adore. In my new class there wasn’t time for that. Most of our day is spent running around and putting out fires. I don’t get the joy of teaching anymore. By the time I get home Im emotionally and physically drained from all the commotion from the hours at work. I don’t want to talk or move because of all the noise that I had to endure throughout the day. I find myself stressed because my kiddos aren’t learning. These are critical years in an autistic childs life and I felt like I was a contributor to the lack of learning. My brother has autism so I can’t help but view these children as if they are him. Its hard to witness a sinking ship and not have enough man power to save it.

I was stressed everyday entering work and everyday leaving. Last week during recess one of my coworkers said,  “not my monkey,  not my zoo.” I let it sink in. This is not my problem. I cant control what is happening around me. I can’t encourage the administration to see that this isn’t working. But what I can do is come into work with a positive attitude. For some of these kids I might be the only love and compassion they receive in a day so why not be the brightest spark. So I came in the next day with a smile. I greeted my kiddos with a cheerful good morning and manifested for it to be a good day. There were a few bumps along the way but I left there this week determined to make this school year the best yet.

Monday morning Im going to walk onto campus with the widest smile. Im going to be positive if it kills me. I lost my way but I refuse to let this break me. Im going to nourish my friendships with my old coworkers. I will make time for them outside of work. I will spend my breaks and lunches with them catching up and laughing instead of venting and rants. My work days will be filled with laughter instead of anxiety. Some people will try to steer you from your path, but you can’t allow it. They can try, but I’m not a sheep anymore. I have to remind myself that I am Marjorie`s granddaughter and I am a Lion! I am on a spiritual journey and I am in the midst of an awakening. I think I needed those simple little words to become a mantra. “Not my monkey, not my zoo.”

Gotta Roll With The Punches

This week has been a rough one. Ive been struggling with my anxiety which brings on my depression. I had been wallowing in my self pity for a couple days when I decided that I needed to get back on track. I have this problem where when one bad thing happens to me I fall into a dark place and I am surrounded by all the terrible things that have taken place in my life. During the beginning of this journey I read that you have to be specific about your manifestations. Write them with detail. Well my intentions have been manifesting. Bad news first. One of my intentions manifested but not quiet the way I was expecting. It was created just the way I wrote it, but not how I needed it to be. It caused a rift in my life and really put me in a funk. I felt discouraged from my journey and stopped reading my book. I stopped noticing all the positive things around me. I felt very negative. I started feeling hopeless like before. It wasnt until i started feeling like life maybe wasnt worth living that I knew I needed to help myself through this. I started telling myself that there is light at the end of this tunnel. I joined a support group,  made an appointment with my counselor,  and started focusing on the positives. Im feeling like my spiritual journey is back on track.

 Now for the good. I applied as a bartender and had an interview. The manager told me he liked my vibe and that he would offer me a position as soon as I got my certificate. I went home and buckled down on started an online bartending school. I took my test and today I received my certificate! Seeing one of my intentions manifest just the way I hoped was the motivation I needed. Seven of my 19 intentions have already started showing themselves to me. I am creating the life I want.

 I am a believer of this process. You have to be mindful that your intentions my not happen the way you thought. That’s okay. Just rewrite them and try again. We’re only human so we will still have our down days and once again, that is okay. I am not letting that brief moment of depression define me and make me lose hope on how great my life is and is going to be.

The Little Things

Having bipolar disorder and trying to remain in this positive state of kind I’ve been working on while not taking medication has been a battle. For the most part I am so proud of how ove pushed through. I’ve had a couple low points, but I am so blessed to have such great support system. They are the for me when I can’t bear anymore. Without them I dont know where I’d be.

I don’t talk to many people about having bipolar disorder because its something I haven’t fully excepted myself. I have extreme episodes of depression and mania. There isn’t a lot of inbetween with me. This journey has really helped me keep a level head.  I can say thay I’ve felt more joy in these past couple weeks than I’ve ever experienced. Watching my life manifest into the life I want right before my eyes has been so amazing and helps motivate me to keep pushing. I wake up every morning with a main goal of being happy. Thos of you thay struggle with bipolar depression know how hard it can be to even fathom the idea of a happy life. For such a long time I didnt even feel like I deserved it. Reading in the book The Map and hearing how divine we all are and how special we can be has helped change my belief. We all deserve happiness.

I went to knightsferry yesterday with some friends for a spontaneous trip. I just soaked it all in. I made sure to admire all the beauty and remind myself to save these mental snapshots for the next time I feel sad. I went on a trip when I was 14 to the Grand Canyon and couldn’t see its beauty. To go from that girl to someone wanting to remember every moment of this trip os a big accomplishment. 

We all go through our own struggles in life and wake up fighting our battles, but along the way just keep your eyes on the beauty around you. It’s these little things that keep us fighting. Its your own special medicine whenever the sadness hits.

You’re not alone.

Lets get lost……..

“Don’t you ever doubt just believe”

Ivory Tribes

Those simple little words reached my soul in such a way that it felt like I was on the outside of my body pulling my own soul out and bringing it back to life. I’ve been so numb to things and the world around me. Not being able to fully experience your experiences is grisly. But on September 18, 2015 I felt alive again!Screenshot_2015-09-19-12-58-07-1

Dreading the whole idea of going to a concert where I would be standing for 4 hours straight listening to music I barely know to see one band I enjoy just didn’t seem delightful; however my boyfriend really wanted to go so I agreed. Waiting for the band to come one I was overwhelmed with anxiety because we were upfront and centered to the stage. Close enough that we could wrap our arms around their feet if we got the desire. A band by the name of Ivory Tribes was the first to play, an indie band from Dallas, Texas. These 5 young men will never know how deeply they energized and awakened my soul. They entered that stage and started playing and I felt a shadow lift from my eyes. It’s so weird to put into words, like what is this crazy woman saying? Music has always had a way of pulling me out of my depression, but lately I haven’t been able to connect to it enough to feel touched by it. I feel like this concert was exactly what I needed to jump start the “Let’s get lost” portion of my spiritual journey.

In order to grow as a person, to be fully changed you have to get out and experience life. Living your life in your home overly enthralled with your TV screen or your recent Facebook feed is damaging. Going to a music event, going on a hike, sitting around a table shooting the shit playing board games with your friends those are the types of experiences you need to survive spiritually. When we live our lives with a screen barrier all we see is a disillusioned distorted version of actual reality. We see what these people want us to see, not the actual factual version of what is going on in their lives. With this information that they give us we beat ourselves up over the fact that we don’t have what they have and we live to “top” their experiences. Our lives become consumed with Sandy getting a new car or Tiffany expecting her 2nd child and you’re still trying to have 1. It starts to make you despise your friends because you’re so overwhelmed with jealousy.

This year I have been trying to conceive a child. Every month that “beep beep” notification on my ovulation tracker nicely reminds me that it’s time to start baby dancing. For the next couple of days me and my partner do everything we can possible do to create life. Every 14 days after that, like clockwork, shark week arrives. I feel a lump in my throat and an oppressive pain my heart like someone won’t stop stabbing me with a screwdriver. I shut down for a couple of days and isolate myself so I don’t have to face the world and deal with the awful month ahead of me. The month is full of awkwardly laughing and shrugging off the questions of “Did it happen?” “Did you test? “Was it positive?” Nonchalantly avoiding the fact that the thing I want more than anything in this world seems so out of reach for me. The bitter jealousy sets in when I go on Facebook and see yet another post about one of my friends expecting. How could I feel this way towards someone I care about? I should be joyess for them, but all I feel is pain. I turn my anger towards my partner. Tearing down the man I love, blaming him for our lack of conception. How was this his fault? We were both doing everything that we could physically do to bring life into this world. This spiritual journey has helped me with that. You have to own up to the things that are happening in your life. Remember “you” and only you create the life you want.

In the book The Maps the author states that you should specify your intentions in order to manifest them. I had been manifesting bring life into this world which obviously wasn’t specific enough. 6 weeks ago my cat had kittens and and my boyfriend aided in her labor so my manifestation did happen, we helped her bring life into this world.  With certain things that you are praying for or trying to manifest you should make sure to specify them, example instead of saying, “I want to bring life into this world with my partner” I could have said “I intend to create life in my womb with my partner, I intend for us to have a baby together in the next couple of months, I intend for it to be a healthy pregnancy” that was very specific and conveyed exactly what I want.20150921_135541

Deleting my Facebook has really helped me get full experiences out of my life so far. I don’t feel the need to make a status every time I do something and I don’t feel obligated to try to mimic someone else’s life. I’ve set out my intentions and I am working on manifesting them on my own. In the end we have the power to have the life we want. We can’t blame anyone for the things we don’t have because we have the ability to obtain everything that the universe has to offer. You just have to believe, free your mind, and be open to how that manifestation happens.

Sincerely me