As I walked out of the BART tunnel off the stairs and into the salty air, cool breeze, buildings to the heavens skylines city I felt at peace. Lately I’ve been working on getting out and just experiencing life. I have always had an irrational fear of public transportation for many reasons. I feared all the germs covering every surface of the transit, the odd, unexpected things the passengers might do or say, and if something terrible might happen along the way. But today I tried to put all that behind me and enjoy my ride.
Every time I get out of town to a place I consider my zen place I’m always flooded by a million thoughts. Me, my fiance, and our friend were the ones Embarking on this adventure. Recently I was told if I continued a friendship with our friend or his mother that another person would no longer have a friendship with me. I hadn’t really allowed myself to dwell on it until I hit the city. Like i said It’s always when I go to find peace that my mind starts twirling and analyzing past events. Never when I sit down to really think about them. As much as I tried to block that negative conversation out of my mind I wasn’t able too.
As I’ve stated in previous blogs, I am a people pleaser. A “Yes Man” in every true meaning of the word. When someone is upset with me I analyze everything I’ve ever done to them, every conversation, every interaction to figure out what I’ve done wrong. But in this situation I just couldn’t understand what I could have possibly done. Our relationship had been rocky for awhile due to certain events that had transpired. So the conversation that occurred left me extremely confused. As an adult I would never tell another adult that in order for them to remain in my life they would have to give up someone who meant the absolute world to them. It’s cruel. I would maybe ask them to not mention them around me or bring them around me if they brought me absolute grief and despair, but never give them an ultimatum.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? Did it make you consider actually picking a side? For nights I felt torn between people and families. I couldn’t bring myself to let them go. I sat down with a friend and they explained it in perfect sense. “Never hold onto someone who puts you in that situation. If they truly wanted you in their life they would never make you pick. Those words would never leave their mouth.”
As most of you know I went through a really dark time. I lost something very precious to me. The people I was told to throw away were there for me through it all. They’ve always been a shoulder I can cry on. They’ve never used my hurt against me to make me experience even more pain. For that I’m thankful I decided to keep them in my life.
In life you are going to have people who will use you, try to knock you down, and make you feel lower then you’ve ever felt. You will have people who are selfish and will ask unreasonable things from you. It’s how you respond to it that truly matters. Do not let them change you or make them reevaluate who you are. You are a divine being. Let them go.