Lead me out of the darkness

“You’re stronger than this” people keep telling me,  “You’ve gone through worse.” But inside I know I’m not. Im weak. Inside im screaming “SAVE ME!” “PLEASE JUST HOLD ME!” “DONT LEAVE ME!” I feel like piece by piece I’m breaking away.

These past couple years I have been hit with so much. Im on the edge being pushed further and further to falling with every horrid experience. This…… this was my last amount of happiness. I wanted you!  I wished and prayed and dreamt of you every second of every day! Nobody in this world could want anything as much as I wanted you. And now I have to chose…… Chose between risking my own life in some miracle attempt to save yours.

Waiting in the hospital room for the oncologist to deliver the methotrexate I almost left several times. Your father, the reasonable one kept me sane and grounded. “How could I do this to you?” I asked him. I am your mother and you are my little baby. I was sent to this world to protect you and I am here with some horrible twist of fate to “dissolve” you as if that medical term couldn’t stab me harder then the needles they used for every blood draw. I wanted you. We wanted you. On February 3 I never could have thought that I’d be losing you in this way.

When they told me I was having a misscarriage a couple weeks prior I died inside. I attempted to mourn and rebuild my psyche. It was a hard thing knowing God had called you home. But this is something different. This is me taking your life. “Im a murder” I keep thinking in that cold room with the curtains drawn. I am about to murder my baby. I was supposed to protect you. But I couldn’t do that.

In my brain I have ran through a million options. A) I keep you growing in hopes of some miracle you make your way to where you should be and I live.  B) I continue to let you grow, my tube ruptures and I die or lose it and you. The list goes on. But in the end the only real option I had was this one.

This is when the depression consumes me. When I follow my sadness into the darkness. I don’t know how to be normal anymore. Eye contact stabs so deep I feel paralyzed. The mundane ritual of social interaction becomes to much to bare. I just want to isolate myself, in my room, on my bed, alone with my thoughts. But what I need is much different. I need to be pulled and shaken out of these depths I’ve fallen so deep into. I need someone, anyone to hug me and tell me I’m not alone as they hold my hand and walk me out of the somber state. I feel like I’m begging, pleading, screaming on the inside with every fake smile…. Every “I’m okay”……  every forced laugh “please help me feel okay again”

How do you come out of a situation like this unchanged?  No damage done? You can’t. I need a break from life, from work, from societies callous words. I feel the love and support from my friends and family, but I need help. A million hugs, a million you will be okay, a million ounces of love. I need to know that all this was for something. The confused, frustrated, feelings behind it all to be validated. I wanted to be a mother…… am I still a mother? How do I heal? So many unanswered questions. And no formal way to say goodbye.


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