Ive been dreading this moment. The moment when I can longer cling to the hope that by some miracle you could still be growing in my belly into my beautiful little baby. As my body contracts trying to release any piece I have left of you I weep. Weep for the Christmas I won’t share with you, the first birthday, the first moment I feel you kick. It is my job to keep you safe. I am your mother and by some sick twisted fate it is my body that is killing you. The pain I am feeling is worth every excruciating moment. It lets me know you were real, you existed. You were and forever will be my baby.
As I sit in the egg shell colored bath, submerged in a heap of bubbles I rub my stomach and sing to you. The same german nursery rhymes your nana above sang to me and will continue to sing to you when you meet her in heaven. I hope you don’t feel pain. I guess that’s the beauty of being 4 weeks as morbid as it might be. As the tears fall I imagine you stroking my cheek and telling me everything is going to be okay.
The days that will follow won’t be the same. I will continue to move through life as normal as normal could possibly be after a ordeal like this. I will return to work with a smile even though I feel like I’m dying inside. People will try to console me with “you’re in a better place” “at least i know i can get pregnat” “you can always try again” not knowing that those cliche words ignorantly thrown together in a sad excuse of condolance are far from what i want to hear at the moment. The only piece of sufficient help i need these days is a hug. A piece of me was taken away to heaven with you my little bean.
Seeing your cousins won’t have the same joy it used to. More like a sad reminder that you should be here. I saw your cousin Gianna Friday. She would have loved you. As I looked at her sweet face as we played with her legos together I imagined you beside us. Laughing and pretending alongside us. You guys would have been inseparable like me and your aunt Brittany. I wanted to mention you to her, but she’s to little to understand. When I am with her I will cherish her more now I think. I imagine you would have had her quirky personality.
I will try again, but not for another you. Not a replacement. But for a little brother or sister for you. Your memory will live on through them. I will always wonder if you would have resembled them. I will speak of you to them. I got a bear made the day after I found out I would be losing you. It gives me comfort. I take it everywhere. When we have another baby I will let them have it. So they to have a piece of their older sibling. You will still have the duties and responsibility that comes along with the title. Make sure to steer them in the right direction. You will be their protector just as I protect your uncle Marcus. The only difference is you will do it from a special place called heaven.
Every morning I wake up with sore breasts. The sickening reminder that I was once pregnant and lost a child is smeared in my face everyday. I have nauseous sensations randomly throughout the day. I asked the doctors if they were certain you were gone. They repeated the same line I heard once before. With the slow dropping levels I will still experience these symptoms until you and any reminisce are no more.
You are on my mind in all that I do. Every day to day routine is full of thoughts of you. You keep me fighting these days. I bring you up often. I never wonder if people are tired of hearing about you. Your aunt Ris has been my biggest supporter. Shes gone through this with her two babies as well. As for now we are left loving you from a far and it has to be good enough for now.