As my eyes stared pleading into his, willing him to remember the me he used to love, a tear rolled down my cheek. I hadn’t spoke to my Papa for the past two and a half years, except for the awkward hug at my uncles funeral. My Papa started drinking after my Nana died and the bottle of Brandy caused his health to decline. My mother took advantage of the fact that he was having memory lapses and moved in. The same person who spent most of her life feuding with him, attempting to turn me against him was now living under his roof. Within a couple of months she managed to push away everyone who truly loved him. My Uncle, who lived with my grandparents most of my life, was issued a restraining order and kicked out with nothing left to his name under false allegations. I attended the court hearings and after five grueling attempts to explain the situation to the judge I had to walk away from the drama. My depression kicked in and I fell apart. I stopped showing up to work, I gained weight from eating my feelings, and I started to rethink my whole life along with the memories. “How could he do this?”, I would say to myself as I sobbed in the shower, “How could he disown everyone who has ever truly loved him?” Every memory I have is filled with this man who has turned his back on me. For months I received calls and Facebook messages from my mother tearing me down and beating me up emotionally till I felt like I had no fight left. I finally blocked her on Facebook and ignored every call. I began to rebuild my shattered life and start the healing process.
When I entered the hospital room and saw my Papa laying there with that pale look on his face I felt my knees tremble. I hate seeing him like that, so defeated by the world around him and his life choices catching up to him. I looked my mother in the eyes and felt the rage start to swell up inside me. I hated her for him looking like this. I blamed her! I started to say something that would be like gas to a fire and something stopped me.”I intend to forgive my mother and I intend to let go of any anger or negative feelings I might harbor against her,” my inner self said. I took some deep breathes and repeated that several times. I felt like a lost a brick. I felt lighter.
Learning to forgive is a huge part of my spiritual journey. You cant move on and grow as a person if you continue to hold onto the past. I have done a pretty good job at forgiving most of the people in my life that have wronged me, but with my mother I knew it would be tough. Being confronted with her in the room with my grandfather made it a little easier. I didn’t want him to sense my negative energy that I felt towards her and I knew in that moment that I had to let it go. Have you ever looked someone in the eyes as they talk about someone they have negative feelings towards? Its scary isn’t it. so much hate and hostility. I’m tired of being that person. The definition of forgiveness is to stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake. So when you attempt to forgive someone keep that in mind. I can say I truly do forgive her, she is my mother. She gave me life and for that I love her. Continuing to say to myself , ” I intend to forgive my mother,” is a great way of continuing to manifest that feeling of forgiveness. I owe myself that ability and power to forgive. Think about what an amazing power that is, forgiving someone takes away their ability to cause you anymore negative emotions. Blame and resentment can take over your whole life if you let them. Allow yourself to forgive at least two people this week and comment below an let me know how it made you feel. truly forgive them, let it all go. It is such an amazing release.